overweight with health problems- will I always be alone?


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shadowsterlingb is offline shadowsterlingb Post #1  January 20,2012, 9:12pm
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Hello,
I am new here. I am 36 years old. It has been 12 years since I have had a relationship. It was a very deep, close relationship and ended painfully. I haven't dated since. Over the years, I have developed several health issues that have helped contribute to a lot of weight gain. I live with family due to the economy and my health problems. I keep saying I will start dating when I get slimmer and healthier, but it never happens. I am a very active person. I can't stand to sit around. I have a lot of hobbies and am intellectual. I feel I have a lot to offer, but it has been a very long time since I have even had a male friend. I feel I wouldn't know what to say or do and would be a big turn off. I am also very conscientious of my weight. I am worried no man would even give me a chance. I know weight loss is part of the answer, but it isn't that simple and I may go for years if not my lifetime without someone in my life if I wait to find someone until the weight is down. Moving out so that I am not living with family is not a option at this time either. Is it hopeless for me?
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  January 20,2012, 10:23pm
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up late....again.

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No, it's not hopeless, but you need to address each issue separately and make sure mentally you are in a healthy place to date.

If the weight gain is truly something you're working on with a doctor, you should continue to do this. If not, you should begin to involve your doctor in your weight loss desires and plans. Weight is not the only aspect of attraction, but it is one aspect.

Second, I'd put your own house in order before trying to date. You need to get out and make some friends as well as build up your confidence. Consider writing your profile in such a way that you highlight the positive aspects of who you are. You're active - tell what activities you enjoy and the frequency you participate in them. Position your profile to highlight some of your hobbies and other interests as well.

If you come across as dejected and with your head down, you will not attract anyone worthwhile. And, these things are projected between the lines in one's profile as well as within your pictures. Living at home isn't always a deal breaker, but the circumstances under which you are living there can say a lot about a person as well. Are you living there temporarily, to take care of them? Also, and again, the way you present this information will have a lot to do with how people react to this information. And, don't feel you need to put this in your profile. I'd save that information for when you're a couple of dates in, so your date can hear the information within the correct context.

If you're always stating that the glass is half-empty as opposed to half-full, you project yourself in a negative light vs. a positive one. Try not to focus on the entire picture all at once. You probably need to look at each issue and ask yourself, "what am I able and/or willing to change?" and conversely, "what am I unable or unwilling to change, and why?" This exercise can help you look at each item and prioritize the things upon which you can spend effort and energy working to improve.

I truly believe if you look at the positive side of things, you will see that you can have a relationship, and you can make an action plan to work toward that goal. I am disabled, and instead of focusing on what I am physically unable to do, I highlighted the adaptations I have made to do the things I am able to do. I know that information came across better than when I focused on the negative.

I hope this is helpful, and it is meant in the kindest possible way. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  January 21,2012, 1:58am
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Have you ever lived alone or in a relationship with a man? Do you work or have interests / activities outside of living with parents?
You may not be ready for a dating relationship, just lonely for company. You could try friendship sites such as FB,etc.....Good Luck..
shadowsterlingb wrote :
I am 36 years old. It has been 12 years since I have had a relationship.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  January 21,2012, 3:05am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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shadowsterlingb wrote :
I am also very conscientious of my weight. I am worried no man would even give me a chance. I know weight loss is part of the answer, but it isn't that simple and I may go for years if not my lifetime without someone in my life if I wait to find someone until the weight is down. Moving out so that I am not living with family is not a option at this time either. Is it hopeless for me?
You seem to have a pretty clear picture of what you 'should' do to make yourself more attractive to men ...but you also have plenty of excuses why you can't make those changes ...

...so, yeah, I'm sorry to say, the situation is pretty hopeless for you (and, by 'hopeless', I mean, no more hopeful for you than it is right now or has been for the past 12 years). You can't just do the same thing over and over and expect different results ...that's the definition of insanity.
 
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i_remember is offline i_remember Post #5  January 21,2012, 6:32am
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Woe-is-me attitude, overweight and lives at home due to the economy.

So which one are you going to tackle first? You have to commit to change to be successful at it.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  January 21,2012, 11:56am
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i_remember wrote :
Woe-is-me attitude, overweight and lives at home due to the economy.

So which one are you going to tackle first? You have to commit to change to be successful at it.
Wow, you're making a lot of assumptions. The OP didn't say why she was living at home. She doesn't sound like woe-is-me attitude. She asked a question and for advice. I don't understand why people can't be nice to each other when they try to give advice. Is everyone always quick to judge you?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  January 21,2012, 2:02pm
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Of all these factors, living in a house owned by your parents would bother me the least. About half my partners (admittedly in a younger demographic) did, and it wasn't an issue (I owned my own, so there was never a privacy or autonomy problem.) I would far rather have my partner in a good, safe, comfortable home, than on her own just for the sake of it.

That said, lacking the financial wherewithall to be a homeowner at our ages would mean quite a lot of time would have to pass before I could make any economic commitment.

Even modest amounts of overwight is a deal-breaker for me; though some men will accept it, this is where I think the most important improvements can be made.

The other thing I'd my alert for, as that you can get "preyed on" by people who are trying to take advantage of your loneliness for personal gain.
 
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brokensmile76 is online now brokensmile76 Post #8  January 21,2012, 4:37pm
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tink333 wrote :
Wow, you're making a lot of assumptions. The OP didn't say why she was living at home. She doesn't sound like woe-is-me attitude.
Um...yes she did.

shadowsterlingb wrote :
Hello,
I am new here. I am 36 years old. It has been 12 years since I have had a relationship. It was a very deep, close relationship and ended painfully. I haven't dated since. Over the years, I have developed several health issues that have helped contribute to a lot of weight gain. I live with family due to the economy and my health problems.
Unfortunately, weight is an issue for most men. Being overweight often means a less active relationship, additional health concerns and more medical attention which means a financial burden. But the weight issue can be fixed. You just need to educate yourself on the matter and start taking action. I used to be very overweight and pretty much my divorce became my driving force to push me towards my goals. My boyfriend has admitted several times that what initially attracted him to me was my motivation and drive to get healthy.

Don't let your health problems handicap you. No matter what they are, you can still lose weight. Diet is 80% of weight loss and exercise is only 20%. I'd first start off with cleaning up your diet. Take small steps so it's not overwhelming. For example, decide to give up all sugared drinks this next week. No soda, no sweet tea, no juice, no fancy Starbuck drinks etc. After a few weeks take on something else, eating less breads etc. Then get to a point where you are eating less food and healthier foods; THEN start incorporating exercise in at that point.

I'm not judging you for living at home. Personally, I am also living at home right now so that I can tackle my credit card debt and I also recently had to short sell my home that was in another city. My boyfriend also moved back home a few months before I met him. A lot of this seems to be happening right now. I think you'll find people to be more tolerate or understanding of that. So don't let that discourage you.

In the meantime, don't let it hold you back from dating. you can't put life on hold until you lose weight, get a better job, move out of the parents home, buy a place first.....There will also be something you want to do first before tackling dating. Honestly, if you attack your weight first you'll find yourself motivated to pursue a better quality of life. I imagine even less health problems. This will be very attractive to men!

good luck!
Last edited by brokensmile76; January 21,2012 at 4:43pm.
 
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MileHighArtist is offline MileHighArtist Post #9  January 21,2012, 4:45pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Have you ever lived alone or in a relationship with a man? Do you work or have interests / activities outside of living with parents?
You may not be ready for a dating relationship, just lonely for company. You could try friendship sites such as FB,etc.....Good Luck..
Website like meetup.com is great for finding groups that are related to hobbies and etc. You can get out and meet other like minded people in person, not just online. That's the best way to go. I've used it, and it's been great.
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #10  January 21,2012, 6:56pm
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It sounds like you have a lot of personal growth to work out before you bring another person into the mix. Get your health in order so you are feeling better. Get your weight in order so you feel confident in your skin and once those things fall into place, you will have the confidence to get out there and start meeting people.
 
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