overweight with health problems- will I always be alone?

How is online any different than in real life where people choose each other based on attraction for one another?

It's not 'superficial' in a negative way both online or in person. To have a successful, healthy, long term relationship...BOTH people need to be physically attracted to each other. This has nothing to do with some number 1-10....it just has to do with whether I think the man I am dating is kissable just as he should feel this way towards me.

If someone doesn't choose to date me....for whatever reason...that is their choice...and there is not a single thing wrong with that...it's his personal preference...

SK, I understand what you are saying here, and I do agree, to an extent. Dating - especially online dating - is a heck of a lot simpler if you are "normal sized". But to say "lose weight and then dating will be easy" is way over simplified. I think the OP has a great many more issues to work out, and weight is almost a side effect of that. Why else do you see people who have had gastric bypass surgery - where a large portion of their stomach has been cut out so they can't eat more than a small amount - still have weight issues? Because they haven't dealt with the underlying issues. All they have done is lose weight. It's not a magic bullet. It helps, but it doesn't solve everything.

How is online any different than in real life where people choose each other based on attraction for one another?

It's not 'superficial' in a negative way both online or in person. To have a successful, healthy, long term relationship...BOTH people need to be physically attracted to each other. This has nothing to do with some number 1-10....it just has to do with whether I think the man I am dating is kissable just as he should feel this way towards me.

If someone doesn't choose to date me....for whatever reason...that is their choice...and there is not a single thing wrong with that...it's his personal preference...

It's especially harder dating online because the #1 factor for having your profile to even be read in the first place is based on whether or not your photos are attractive. Photos do not need to say a thousand words in this case...they just need to convey one; attractive.

I heart you, Michell! And I didn't mean to come off as insensitive. I don't suffer these issues, so it does seem simple to me. That said, I genuinely empathize w/ anyone who does. I wouldn't want to be judged and didn't mean it to come across as though I was doing the judging...

I will further explain my comments under Ingy's quote...



The biggest difference in online dating and IRL dating is online a person has no chance at demonstrating who he/she is if his/her profile is being filtered out b/c of any number of preferences (weight being the topic du jour).

IRL, and depending on the situation, people have an opportunity to 'get to know' each other and perhaps an attraction grows from that interaction. There will be no interaction if a person's profile is always being filtered out. And I believe people's expectations re online dating tend to be a bit more unrealistic.

People are far more dynamic than the pix and words used in selling themselves online. It's much harder to pick up on that certain je ne sais quoi online than IRL.

Ultimately, I agree w/ you, Ingy... if someone doesn't want to date me for ______ (fill in the blank), that's his prerogative. I want to date someone who *really* wants to date me... as in I rock his world... and not just b/c I'm thin or pretty or a certain age or...

I really didn't mean to over-simplify the weight issue for the OP or anyone reading this. Merely wanted to point out that, like it or not, online dating is superficial, b/c it... is!

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So true!

I still have to disagree....A man and many women will not even come up and start talking/flirting with someone that they don't find attraction..It is still the number one thing that someone starts with....and if it's not there...it's not there....No matter how 'personable' someone is...

This is a common misconception that so many have about online...that somehow people have morphed into different species and choose 'personality' first....

Too many people have the attitude..."If they only just got to know me...then they would want to date me"....No....even if two people don't have photos up, and decide to meet....it is still all about attraction...If that isn't there...then it's just a friendship...

I met my ex husband through a blind date. We would not have had a second date if we didn't find each other attractive...plain and simple.

Attraction and chemistry is the ONLY thing that separates a friend from a lover. Kissing...sex....all the yummy stuff...

Do I think that some people become MORE attracted to their partner over time with getting to know them...absolutely....But is it needed in the beginning to want to date them....another absolutely...

I'll say it a thousand times...no one is shallow for wanting to be attracted to their partner, just as it's not shallow for someone to want their partner employed...or a certain religion....or have a big chest....Again...WHATEVER someone doesn't like about me....they can close me and I don't give it a second thought...Why would anyone waste a minute of their time on why someone doesn't want to date them?

Hello,
I am new here. I am 36 years old. It has been 12 years since I have had a relationship. It was a very deep, close relationship and ended painfully. I haven't dated since. Over the years, I have developed several health issues that have helped contribute to a lot of weight gain. I live with family due to the economy and my health problems. I keep saying I will start dating when I get slimmer and healthier, but it never happens. I am a very active person. I can't stand to sit around. I have a lot of hobbies and am intellectual. I feel I have a lot to offer, but it has been a very long time since I have even had a male friend. I feel I wouldn't know what to say or do and would be a big turn off. I am also very conscientious of my weight. I am worried no man would even give me a chance. I know weight loss is part of the answer, but it isn't that simple and I may go for years if not my lifetime without someone in my life if I wait to find someone until the weight is down. Moving out so that I am not living with family is not a option at this time either. Is it hopeless for me?

Unfortunately, weight is an issue for most men. Being overweight often means a less active relationship, additional health concerns and more medical attention which means a financial burden. But the weight issue can be fixed. You just need to educate yourself on the matter and start taking action. I used to be very overweight and pretty much my divorce became my driving force to push me towards my goals. My boyfriend has admitted several times that what initially attracted him to me was my motivation and drive to get healthy.

Don't let your health problems handicap you. No matter what they are, you can still lose weight. Diet is 80% of weight loss and exercise is only 20%. I'd first start off with cleaning up your diet. Take small steps so it's not overwhelming. For example, decide to give up all sugared drinks this next week. No soda, no sweet tea, no juice, no fancy Starbuck drinks etc. After a few weeks take on something else, eating less breads etc. Then get to a point where you are eating less food and healthier foods; THEN start incorporating exercise in at that point.


In the meantime, don't let it hold you back from dating. you can't put life on hold until you lose weight, get a better job, move out of the parents home, buy a place first.....There will also be something you want to do first before tackling dating. Honestly, if you attack your weight first you'll find yourself motivated to pursue a better quality of life. I imagine even less health problems. This will be very attractive to men!

good luck!