48blueeyes is offline 48blueeyes Post #1  December 29,2011, 10:13pm
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I recently met a guy online and we've had four great dates. My profile clearly states that I want to take things slow and during the four dates various pieces of the conversation have touched on that same fact. At 48 and as a single mom, I'm conservative in nature and concerned about diseases; most importantly, I want a relationship based on friendship first and the physical aspects can come later. I'm definitely not a "friend with benefits".

On date four, I mentioned that a recent guy I had dated had informed me that the fourth date was supposed to be significant in terms of "guaranteeing sex" and pointed out of course, that given that I'm no longer dating him...it didn't guarantee sex at all. This was an opportunity to address the fact that I didn't intend to have sex for a while. At the end of the date, my current date started groping my breasts and given that I didn't "cave" to his desire to have sex, he eventually got the message and ended the date. The next day he called me and told me during the conversation that he "would have been okay with having sex with me the night before". I reminded him of the prior conversations we've had as well as the one the day before when I reflected on the former guy I had dated expecting sex on the fourth date (it was our fourth date as well). I explained again that I wanted to get to know him better and wanted a relationship first and the physical would come later. Today he texted with some ideas for a date tonight...drinks? bowling? sex (LOL)?

Really??!! Is that what dating is like these days? You have to have sex on the fourth date or you're not going to have a relationship with a guy? Guys want to weigh in here? Are there no concerns about diseases? Is it just about getting notches on one's bedpost? I'm a highly successful, educated, professional woman searching for similar qualities in a man.
 
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boomer_gal is offline boomer_gal Post #2  December 29,2011, 10:28pm
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You will find a wide variety of responses in terms of when it's *the right time* to have sex in a new relationship. Everything from "the first night" till "after we're married". You'll never get a consensus. All that really matters is whether you & the man you are dating are able to come to a mutually agreeable timetable. Doesn't sound like that is happening with this guy.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #3  December 29,2011, 11:01pm
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48blueeyes wrote :
At 48 and as a single mom
People of all ages, parents and not, can enjoy sex.

wrote :
I'm conservative in nature and concerned about diseases; my current date started groping my breasts
I'm unaware of any STDs that are commonly spread that way! Heavy petting can be fun, especially when it's mutual.

wrote :
I want a relationship based on friendship first
Your preference. This seems to be the core idea.

wrote :
Really??!! Is that what dating is like these days? You have to have sex on the fourth date or you're not going to have a relationship with a guy? Guys want to weigh in here?
People seeking an LTR are seeking the full enchilada--a friend, companion, and lover. We all, as individuals, have tolerances for how long we'll wait for the physical. Yup, no sex by the fourth date will lose guys. No clothes off even more. No kissing even more.

wrote :
Are there no concerns about diseases?
Again, removing clothes and engaging each other with your hands isn't a common way to transmit any STD that I'm aware of. If it's your preference, that's one thing, but don't hide behind the STD excuse for not making some physical progress.

wrote :
Is it just about getting notches on one's bedpost?
For some men/women, certainly. For most it's about finding a good partner who's fulfilling in every sense.

wrote :
I'm a highly successful, educated, professional woman searching for similar qualities in a man.
I'm a highly successful, educated, professional man seeking (or was seeking?) similar qualities in a woman. Plus someone hot who knocks my socks off in bed. I don't settle anymore. And yes, life is good these days.
 
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szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #4  December 29,2011, 11:09pm
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Yup, what he said.
 
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Kindg is offline Kindg Post #5  December 30,2011, 12:57am
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You should be able to find what you are looking for in a gentleman that takes the same approach as you do. There is no need for a clash of desires. Maybe it would be a good idea to clarify that from the get-go in order to prevent as much as possible unwanted and unwelcomed surprises.

I personally think that no one should count the number of dates in order to get some "perks." Let things take a natural and unrushed course, especially if you are looking for a LTR.

Make sure you do communicate clearly each other's expectations from the beginning.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  December 30,2011, 7:19am
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You are going to run into all kinds of people out there. Some people see life like you do and others don't. Don't take it personally and don't think that anything has changed in this world just because you came across some men that think differently.

Also, this current guy seems to have gotten your point and was only joking around with you in his text. The danger of texting is that it's really easy to misunderstand things. So I wouldn't quite write him off yet. Also, there are a lot of women out there who say "Oh...I sooo don't sleep with a guy on a first date....that is sooo not me...." when what they really mean is "I really want to jump your bones right now, but want to play goody two shoes, so you really should go for it and seduce me." Can't really blame him for testing the boundaries to see if you meant it or were actually inviting it in a backward manner. Now he knows that you really meant it and that's fine. I doubt he has any issue with that and if he does, you'll know about it soon enough and can choose to walk away at that point.

In an odd way when you protest too much right off the bat and act too defensive, you kind of invite the problem. I personally take my time about things like that and have never had an issue with that. However, I have never really felt the need to discuss it with a guy or have to defend or justify my position either. Let things happen naturally and if I'm not happy with his pace, I'll slow it down as it suits me. The woman is always in control of that. If he has a problem with that, he knows where the door is. Like minded people exist and those are who I seek. One way to avoid this issue completely is to keep those initial dates in public where there is no opportunity for anything to happen until you are ready to proceed to more intimacy. More intimacy doesn't mean sex, but just some progression in terms of kissing, affection, etc.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  December 30,2011, 8:06am
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This is not going to work out.....he will continue having fun breaking down your barriers..Why? because of the excessive "I'm not that type of woman" lectures. Why are you doing this? This tactic never works, is usually laughed at as he is, and often challenged by these type of guys.. Clearly yes, sex belongs in a relationship when that time works for both.....Move on to better matches ...and next time save the lectures....and let things unfold at a natural pace...Good Luck
 
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moonette is offline moonette Post #8  December 30,2011, 8:17am
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DancingFool wrote :
Also, this current guy seems to have gotten your point and was only joking around with you in his text. The danger of texting is that it's really easy to misunderstand things. So I wouldn't quite write him off yet.

In an odd way when you protest too much right off the bat and act too defensive, you kind of invite the problem. I personally take my time about things like that and have never had an issue with that. However, I have never really felt the need to discuss it with a guy or have to defend or justify my position either. Let things happen naturally and if I'm not happy with his pace, I'll slow it down as it suits me. The woman is always in control of that. If he has a problem with that, he knows where the door is. Like minded people exist and those are who I seek. One way to avoid this issue completely is to keep those initial dates in public where there is no opportunity for anything to happen until you are ready to proceed to more intimacy. More intimacy doesn't mean sex, but just some progression in terms of kissing, affection, etc.
^^^^ this.

If you don't talk about sex 'in any way' with guys on dates, the pacing will be slower.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  December 30,2011, 3:09pm
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If I can't make a women want to jump me before four meetings, then I need to fix whatever I'm doing wrong, or find a woman who is turned on by me.

But, if it is platonic friends you want, I would not search for them on a dating site.

It is a fine thing to forthrighty ask "Do you know your STD status?" Any answer not backed with facts, and you lead into, "We'll get tested together."

***

You could search for more theological guys, but at 48 I'd be more concerned about searching for guys who can ... satisfy.

For me, I'd be moving on by four meetings.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  December 30,2011, 3:41pm
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48blueeyes wrote :
I recently met a guy online and we've had four great dates. My profile clearly states that I want to take things slow and during the four dates various pieces of the conversation have touched on that same fact. At 48 and as a single mom, I'm conservative in nature and concerned about diseases; most importantly, I want a relationship based on friendship first and the physical aspects can come later. I'm definitely not a "friend with benefits".

On date four, I mentioned that a recent guy I had dated had informed me that the fourth date was supposed to be significant in terms of "guaranteeing sex" and pointed out of course, that given that I'm no longer dating him...it didn't guarantee sex at all. This was an opportunity to address the fact that I didn't intend to have sex for a while. At the end of the date, my current date started groping my breasts and given that I didn't "cave" to his desire to have sex, he eventually got the message and ended the date. The next day he called me and told me during the conversation that he "would have been okay with having sex with me the night before". I reminded him of the prior conversations we've had as well as the one the day before when I reflected on the former guy I had dated expecting sex on the fourth date (it was our fourth date as well). I explained again that I wanted to get to know him better and wanted a relationship first and the physical would come later. Today he texted with some ideas for a date tonight...drinks? bowling? sex (LOL)?

Really??!! Is that what dating is like these days? You have to have sex on the fourth date or you're not going to have a relationship with a guy? Guys want to weigh in here? Are there no concerns about diseases? Is it just about getting notches on one's bedpost? I'm a highly successful, educated, professional woman searching for similar qualities in a man.
You want a 'relationship' before sex? I've always considered sex as part of a relationship not something that's seperate.

I think you should talk in person to him rather than discuss by text how you move forward.

Generally, you sound like you're both on different pages regarding sex. For him it's a priority, for you it's more in the back ground.

Do you 'fancy' him?
 
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