harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #21  December 23,2011, 8:20am
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KikiAZ wrote :
He sounds like a gentleman farmer. :}
I think he must also be very, very good looking.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #22  December 23,2011, 8:26am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Disagree with this...women who dogmatically expect every guy to hunt them down like a horndog will spend many days and nights alone....or later on complain that there are only "players" out there.

.
this is yet another straw man of my overall position

this guy is passive and doesnt seem to really want to invest much of anything, in other words he'd probably date most anyone that would engage in this behavior with him.

just to make it perfectly clear, i expect men to do the majority of the initiating in the beginning especially because whatever you do in the beginning sets the tone for the whole relationship AND men dont pursue women they arent *really* interested in. i'm of the opinion that men know what they want right away, they dont hem and haw over it or wonder or lament, at least not the kind of man that *i* want.

again, if the OP wants this in a relationship i'm sure she'll continue on as she has been. there are women out there that want relationships like this... more power to em. i'm simply stating *my* feelings on the subject and how *i* would react

(and btw i'm far from lonely or lacking attention from men, thanks)
 
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_westendgirl_ is offline _westendgirl_ Post #23  December 23,2011, 8:27am
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harnomygirl wrote :
Did you see your brothers act a little like this man when you were younger? Is that why you're being so tolerant of his ambivalence?
Absolutely! As well as one of my brother-in-laws and more cousins than I can say! How anyone got married and had kids I'l NEVER know! lol To top it off my Mom often tells the story about her first date with my Dad who is very shy (and really a wonderful man). My Dad drove my Mom around the concession 4 times at the end of the date before asking my Mom out again. A concession is a country block 4 miles square basically.

I don't feel that I am tolerating this - I feel that I "get" it. I am of course aware that he could be lying, could be uninterested, could be married, could be so many cynical things that I have thought in the past about men I've dated. BUT for whatever reason my instinct is that it's all genuine. I won't pursue all the time - but I think right now it's okay. Time will tell.
 
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eharmonyjc is online now eharmonyjc Post #24  December 23,2011, 8:44am
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Westend, just based on the description of him, I think you're right. Coming from a farming area myself, I know there are quite a few men like this, and the majority of them are good men. In the end, you have to go with your instincts. I'm not a wise woman but I do know that usually my instincts are right. It's when I don't follow my instincts and my head gets in the way, is when I end up failing. Good luck, I'm still on the hunt for my "gentleman farmer"
 
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_westendgirl_ is offline _westendgirl_ Post #25  December 23,2011, 9:01am
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eharmonyjc wrote :
Westend, just based on the description of him, I think you're right. Coming from a farming area myself, I know there are quite a few men like this, and the majority of them are good men. In the end, you have to go with your instincts. I'm not a wise woman but I do know that usually my instincts are right. It's when I don't follow my instincts and my head gets in the way, is when I end up failing. Good luck, I'm still on the hunt for my "gentleman farmer"
Agreed. I took a wee break and then this match came along. I think at least what the break gave me time to do was to take a step back and find the place I am comfortable in standing. I have no idea what will come of this match but it feels like so far I've been doing pretty close to what I feel is genuinely me.
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #26  December 23,2011, 12:02pm
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My grandpa grew up in the midwest as a farmer. The shy-est kindest most gentle man Ive known. I have no idea how or who pursued the relationship between him and my grandma. But I always assumed she must have made the first move.
 
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_westendgirl_ is offline _westendgirl_ Post #27  December 23,2011, 1:17pm
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Nanette wrote :
this is yet another straw man of my overall position

this guy is passive and doesnt seem to really want to invest much of anything, in other words he'd probably date most anyone that would engage in this behavior with him.

just to make it perfectly clear, i expect men to do the majority of the initiating in the beginning especially because whatever you do in the beginning sets the tone for the whole relationship AND men dont pursue women they arent *really* interested in. i'm of the opinion that men know what they want right away, they dont hem and haw over it or wonder or lament, at least not the kind of man that *i* want.

again, if the OP wants this in a relationship i'm sure she'll continue on as she has been. there are women out there that want relationships like this... more power to em. i'm simply stating *my* feelings on the subject and how *i* would react

(and btw i'm far from lonely or lacking attention from men, thanks)
I get your point although I disagree on your assessment. I have dated passive. My last relationship was such. He added nothing to the relationship and whined incessantly about everything once the "honeymoon phase" ended. I ended it shortly after this characteristic showed up in him.

*I* believe that there is a difference between passive and shy. Everything I am seeing from this guy right now points to shy. As I said in various posts - I know shy, I just haven't dated shy. My dad laughs at the things I've told him so far - laughs and says stuff like "yup, i was shy". I might be completely wrong - it's only been two dates after all. If I'm wrong I'm wrong - but I'm going to go with this for now.
 
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_westendgirl_ is offline _westendgirl_ Post #28  December 23,2011, 1:20pm
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harnomygirl wrote :
I think he must also be very, very good looking.
No. But he is nice looking. He has a nice friendly face, a nice smile, bright eyes. Nice hands. He is tall and fit. When we talk he is "present". There is a humility about him that I like. *shrug*
 
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_westendgirl_ is offline _westendgirl_ Post #29  December 23,2011, 1:24pm
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EccentricAmbiguity wrote :
My grandpa grew up in the midwest as a farmer. The shy-est kindest most gentle man Ive known. I have no idea how or who pursued the relationship between him and my grandma. But I always assumed she must have made the first move.
He sounds sweet. My grandfather on my mom's side was 6'3" and very shy. He would whistle away as we walked to the back field to bring the cows in at night. I loved him very much. He was a big gentle giant. As he got older and the cows were gone his farming consisted of standing on the porch and counting the 5 sheep in the side field. lol.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #30  December 23,2011, 5:39pm
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_westendgirl_ wrote :
Absolutely! As well as one of my brother-in-laws and more cousins than I can say! How anyone got married and had kids I'l NEVER know! lol To top it off my Mom often tells the story about her first date with my Dad who is very shy (and really a wonderful man). My Dad drove my Mom around the concession 4 times at the end of the date before asking my Mom out again. A concession is a country block 4 miles square basically.

I don't feel that I am tolerating this - I feel that I "get" it. I am of course aware that he could be lying, could be uninterested, could be married, could be so many cynical things that I have thought in the past about men I've dated. BUT for whatever reason my instinct is that it's all genuine. I won't pursue all the time - but I think right now it's okay. Time will tell.
Just want to point out that your Dad did ask your mom out. It may have taken him forever, but he did.

You are doing all the work to pursue and make things happen, while he evades and ducks and becomes unavailable to meet but then "wishes that you had." I understand shy. I understand tentative. I understand unsure. What I am seeing here is disinterested, but not repulsed. He's not going to throw out a gift that drops in his lap when he has no one in his life. You will be doing all the work for as long as you two are together. I see you frustrated as he fades away or moves on to someone who actually excites him when she comes into his life.

Yes, still waters run deep. And when he feels the right one comes along, she'll discover just how much he will do.

Instead of spending all your attention and time on someone who is putting in no effort, at least be open to others who might be a hair more excited about you. You went through the same issues with the last guy you posted about. You kept excusing his behavior as shyness too.

Just consider whether you are making the right choices for you, whether you cut guys too much slack once you've gone out on a date with them, and how you might get a different outcome.

The right guy is out there for you, and I doubt that it will be such a struggle to progress to a relationship when he comes along.

Best of luck!
 
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