I'm a female, and my best friend is a male. It's a complicated situation.. please help?


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bnels21 is offline bnels21 Post #1  November 27,2011, 10:13am
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He's my absolute best friend. He cares for me like nobody else, and treats me like a queen. He seems like the perfect guy for a girl like me, and he says the same about me. But here's the issue...he's never been a person of a titled commitment, even though at times we act as if we're in a relationship. And that's where mine and his lifestyles differ. He enjoys going out , exploring, and meeting new people. Females included, in all ways imaginable. No, we aren't in a relationship, but the level of care and desire I have for him, make me want to be in one. He's 27, and at this moment in his life, marriage is not in the future for him. But he compliments me frequently, tells me I'm the perfect woman, and if anybody were to change his mind about commitment it would be me. But in this situation, I'm hurting, because I want something from him now at this moment in time, that he may or may not be able to even give me in the future. My conflict is, I love him to death, I want him mine, and even though he may go out for a few hours to hang out with another female, and frequently texts other females, while this may hurt, I have hope that maybe his perspective will change and finally realize what's right in front of him, therefore, I can't find it in myself to just throw in the towel and give up on our friendship seeing that he is my best friend, and I'd rather have him in my life and hurt a little, than not have him in my life and hurt a lot. He knows how I feel. I've talked to him about it multiple times, but I think by me talking to him about it, he feels like I'm "putting pressure on him to change", so it only pushes him away. I'm torn between the present and the future, but I just can't help the thought of him being with another female making me sick to my stomach. It hurts.. words of advice?
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 27,2011, 10:40am
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Hi bnels21 and welcome to eHA.

I had a friend/sort-of-boyfriend just like that, when I was about 23-24. It does hurt, a lot. And it doesn't go anywhere good. What I did not realize at the time is that you have to believe a guy when his words and actions are telling you that he does not want to be in a relationship with you.

It is very unlikely that he will change, and come to want what you want. Meanwhile, your feelings and focus are wrapped up in this guy and making you unable to move on and find someone who reciprocates your feelings.

When you love someone who doesn't love you, it's really impossible to be friends. What finally worked for me was just cutting off contact.

Not too long after I did that, I did find someone else, who wanted me as much as I wanted him. It's a completely different and wonderful experience ... don't rob yourself of it.

I am sorry for your pain.
 
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bnels21 is offline bnels21 Post #3  November 27,2011, 10:48am
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He tells me often, that if his life perspective were to change and he did become interested in commitment and marriage, then I would be the person he would commit to. And coming from him, I see that as a big step from what he's said in the past about how he NEVER wanted to even think about relationships, but I feel as if now that he's found me, its something he's considering, and I see it as if I want to be with him I need to be there when he's ready. Not saying I'm revolving my life around him. I do enjoy his company very much, but if I were to meet someone else who met my standards, I would give them a chance as well.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  November 27,2011, 10:53am
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Sounds like he is a charmer and has many friends-with-benefits. Even if you were to "have a relationship" (romantically)....this behavior will continue and hurt even more.

He may be your friend , but he is also a player...so no....you won't "tame him".
Find a man with whom you can have a romantic relationship and phase this guy out...This unrequited desire is preventing you from finding a better man............Good Luck....
bnels21 wrote :
He enjoys going out , exploring, and meeting new people. Females included, in all ways imaginable.
But he compliments me frequently, tells me I'm the perfect woman, and if anybody were to change his mind about commitment it would be me. he may go out for a few hours to hang out with another female, and frequently texts other females
 
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bnels21 is offline bnels21 Post #5  November 27,2011, 10:57am
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I understand how my words make him sound like a charmer, but I don't believe that's him. He really isn't like anybody I've ever met. He's honest, and at times brutally honest. So I know he's not the type of person who would just tell me something because he thinks its what I want to hear, that I know.
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #6  November 27,2011, 11:07am
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bnels21 wrote :
I understand how my words make him sound like a charmer, but I don't believe that's him. He really isn't like anybody I've ever met. He's honest, and at times brutally honest. So I know he's not the type of person who would just tell me something because he thinks its what I want to hear, that I know.
Regardless of whether or not he's a charmer, he is not reciprocating your feelings. Don't let the years pass you by.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  November 27,2011, 11:40am
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bnels21 wrote :
He tells me often, that if his life perspective were to change and he did become interested in commitment and marriage, then I would be the person he would commit to. .....
You are hanging your hopes and dreams and heart on a fantasy. It is unlikely his "life perspective" (what a load of BS that line is!) is going to change.

Please get the book "He's Just Not That Into You." It's an easy read, humorous in its delivery, but spot-on especially as to how this guy is treating you.

You would be best served to cut off communication with him and start actively dating others. There are other guys out there who "meet your standards" and won't string you along under the guise of "friendship." Love is so much better when it flows both ways.

EDIT: I just noticed your profile here identifies you as male, which contradicts your post info stating you are a female. Even if you are a male, this does not change my advice at all, but the fact that he is dating women means that he may never change his "life perspective" and want to settle down with a man.
Last edited by Wonderwoman402; November 27,2011 at 11:44am.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #8  November 27,2011, 2:20pm
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bnels21 wrote :
I understand how my words make him sound like a charmer, but I don't believe that's him. He really isn't like anybody I've ever met. He's honest, and at times brutally honest. So I know he's not the type of person who would just tell me something because he thinks its what I want to hear, that I know.
NO, you don't know. He is getting exactly what he wants, the best of both worlds, and your neediness is allowing it. This is not a real relationship. Grow up, go out with other friends, meet some new people.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #9  November 27,2011, 4:55pm
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Whether you're willing to admit it or not, you're infatuated with someone who doesn't love you...and never will in the way that you hope. Deep down, you probably know that already. Cut contact with him, and find someone who will actually love you. Right now, you are fixated on someone who is toying with you and taking advantage of the way you feel, while occasionally dangling a bone of hope to keep you from leaving. You're a nice ego booster. That's all. He's living his life and playing the field. You're stuck in limbo.

The right person for you is out there. You'll never recognize him as long as you continue to pine and mope after someone who doesn't feel the same way that you do. You are just losing precious time and setting yourself up for heartbreak.

See your situation for what it really is. Best of luck!
 
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KikiAZ is online now KikiAZ Post #10  November 28,2011, 11:17am
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He clearly doesn't need to charm you, he is able to be honest...IOW "I don't want a relationship and I don't want a relationship with you and I am playing the field whenever I want" and you are trying to be okay with it....but you aren't.

Many many of us have been through this.

The guy thinks it's fine because he is telling you the truth and choose to stay.

You need to give up this friend and move on with your life and find a healthy situation. As long as you are hanging around waiting for him your life will be on hold. Painful hold.
 
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