emotionally attached but no physical attraction


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caplove is offline caplove Post #1  November 25,2011, 8:41pm
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What do you do when you're emotionally attached to someone but there's no physical attraction? You don't want to lose that person because you feel compassion and you don't really want to hurt that person? Will you continue to stay in that relationship for the sake of protecting one's feelings?

On the other hand, you're physically attracted to another person and feels that you're more compatible in terms of personality and activities that you enjoy doing but have still decided to go for the other because of your emotional attachment. Is this the right decision?
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #2  November 25,2011, 10:35pm
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How long have you been dating, and have you had sex with him? Those only complicate the matter a bit, but do not change my answer at all.

The correct answer is you need to break it off, the sooner the better. Do not give the other person false hope. The longer you stay with them, the more you will hurt their feelings when you break it off, and the more they will be angry with you for stringing them along.

Part of being an adult in dating is learning how to break up with someone. Yes, you will "lose" that person, but that's the way life goes. You can't stay with someone forever just because you're afraid of hurting their feelings. That's called being a coward, and it's not fair to either of you.

Your second scenario is worded quite oddly, but NO, it is not the right decision. You will not be happy, and do you really think your partner would be happy knowing you feel stuck with him and are not physically attracted to him?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  November 26,2011, 4:29am
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There will always be attraction to others. Depending on your involvement with #1... Friend? Lover? and your actual involvement potential with # 2... Dating? wishful thinking?.
You're staying with #1 is more about security, comfort etc...than any altruism regarding his feelings.......Good Luck....
caplove wrote :
# 1) What do you do when you're emotionally attached to someone but there's no physical attraction?
# 2) On the other hand, you're physically attracted to another person and feel that you're more compatible in terms of personality and activities that you enjoy doing but have still decided to go for the other because of your emotional attachment.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #4  November 26,2011, 8:48am
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An emotionally well adjusted and healthy person, does not sacrifice their own happiness in favour of the needs of someone else. Doing this is usually at the peril of both parties involved.

A person with whom you feel a great emotional attachment but no physical desire for, is a "good or best friend". The love of your life partner will offer you both emotional/physical attraction in equal measure.
 
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caplove is offline caplove Post #5  November 26,2011, 1:29pm
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@Wiseman2: Thanks for clarifying that train of thought. Exactly what I wanted to say.

My involvement with number 2 - was dating him until I had to make a decision. That's when I decided to go for 1 (you're right because I get the support that I need, I feel like I owe him for a lot of things in my life right now) so I can't just turn my back on him.

I ended whatever it is that I have with 2. But I still can't let go of 2. I have feelings for both of them but on different levels. I know that I have to tell 1 how I really feel but I also care for him. I know I'm being a coward right now. Maybe if I can be assured that he'll be fine without me. He's quite attached as it is.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #6  November 26,2011, 2:49pm
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Ending it now with #1 is the kinder thing to do. He will survive. Staying with him because he meets your needs, and out of a sense of guilt is worse. All you are doing is allowing his feelings for you to deepen further. That is far more cruel, when you know the end result will still be breaking up with him.

Allow him to find his happiness. Yes, he'll be upset initially. But he'll recover and find someone who loves him at all levels. Right now you are preventing him from doing this.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  November 26,2011, 2:54pm
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caplove wrote :
I ended whatever it is that I have with 2. But I still can't let go of 2. I have feelings for both of them but on different levels.
I see an affair in your future, with the choices you've made.
 
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caplove is offline caplove Post #8  November 26,2011, 3:14pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
I see an affair in your future, with the choices you've made.
That's my fear. As it is, it seems like I've already done that.

I know that I've hurt both of them. Maybe I'm not yet ready to start a relationship with anyone.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  November 27,2011, 3:20am
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"You've hurt both of them"?....How so?....do they know of the situation?....If so.. you're playing head games with both...."Oh he #2 really wants me".... Oh but he #1 needs me....Really?...not for long....There are plenty of women besides you out there for both of them....and they will find them....Good Luck..
caplove wrote :
That's my fear. As it is, it seems like I've already done that. I know that I've hurt both of them. Maybe I'm not yet ready to start a relationship with anyone.
 
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caplove is offline caplove Post #10  November 27,2011, 3:36pm
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first of, thanks for posting on this thread. i really appreciate all the thoughts that you shared.

i'm sorry but i haven't been honest with the situation i posted. i am #2. we are in a LDR. he met #1, a few months after we met. they became friends. and then he encountered one problem after another with his health, his work (still ongoing) and #1 has been very supportive the whole time.

i am just trying to figure out if there is some sense to what my "ex" has told me about his feelings for both of us. yes, he did play mind games with me and with #1.

it's a very complicated situation. i'm glad that i'm out of it. but of course, i am also sad that whatever happened, happened. perhaps more than anything, it's my pride that's been hurt because he chose her.

what's funny or crazy, is in spite of everything, i can't stay mad at him. i totally understand why it happened. but i still have to deal with the pain.

thanks so much for the posts and i'm really sorry for not being honest in what i wrote.
 
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