Living with your parents vs. your parents living with you


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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #1  November 20,2011, 5:50am
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There have been a couple of threads lately in which it has been stated that a person in his or her 30s or 40s that still lives with his or her parents would be seen as undesireable by potential dates. Generally, I agree with this hypothesis -- such a "failure to launch" is often an indication of negative factors such as lack of motivation, lack of education, financial difficulties, substance abuse problems, or an unhealty dependence on one's parents.

At the same time, people in their 30s and 40s (or older) are often confronted with aging parents who can no longer live independently, and its not uncommon for an aging parent to come to live with an adult child. Is such a situation viewed differently in the dating marketplace? If so, why? After all, the end result is the same -- the potential dater is sharing a residence with his or her parents.

I'm asking this question for the sake of discussion. I don't really have a dog in this fight, although my parents are in their mid 60s, and my mother suffers from a serious, chronic health condition, so it it theoretically possible that I will face this issue one day. I currently live alone (except for weekend custody of my kids) in a single family house. And obviously, if such a situation did arise, the effet on my dating marketability would factor not at all into the decision that I would make.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  November 20,2011, 6:23am
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There is a vast difference in scenario 1 and 2.
"I still live with mom and dad because I need care"... is not.... "my elderly parent(s) live with me because they need care".
The first one.... I agree, can be indicative of financial or other problems.
The second one is indicative of a responsible person with compassion.
While elderly parents living with you may pose some challenges (dating).... it would command respect...

Mike74 wrote :
1 ) I agree with this hypothesis -- such a "failure to launch" is often an indication of negative factors such as lack of motivation, lack of education, financial difficulties, substance abuse problems, or an unhealthy dependence on one's parents.
2 ) its not uncommon for an aging parent to come to live with an adult child.
 
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Ingytravel is online now Ingytravel Post #3  November 20,2011, 7:21am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
There is a vast difference in scenario 1 and 2.
"I still live with mom and dad because I need care"... is not.... "my elderly parent(s) live with me because they need care".
The first one.... I agree, can be indicative of financial or other problems.
The second one is indicative of a responsible person with compassion.
While elderly parents living with you may pose some challenges (dating).... it would command respect...
I agree...it's pretty obvious the difference between the two..
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #4  November 20,2011, 8:35am
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I have lived on my own from age 17 and personally, for me, independence is a very attractive quality to me. It would make a big difference to me whether someone was still living in a spare room at their parents, or if they were compassionately caring for their parents. One hints at "dependence" one hints at "compassion". Big diff.
 
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UKUSCanuk is offline UKUSCanuk Post #5  November 20,2011, 8:42am
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While I agree with the previous posters, there is a practical problem that applies in both scenarios. It is difficult to bring home a romantic partner and enjoy flirtations and sex while your parents are in the house. It makes no difference if you are in their house or they are in yours. It's just awkward.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #6  November 20,2011, 10:57am
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You do have to ask to find out which is the case. Sometimes the child who moves back home to help parents lives in their basement. He also pays their mortgage and buys their groceries.
 
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Ingytravel is online now Ingytravel Post #7  November 20,2011, 11:07am
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UKUSCanuk wrote :
While I agree with the previous posters, there is a practical problem that applies in both scenarios. It is difficult to bring home a romantic partner and enjoy flirtations and sex while your parents are in the house. It makes no difference if you are in their house or they are in yours. It's just awkward.
In either case...most likely the other person has a place of their own where they can both go So that part can easily be solved and is really not the issue.
Last edited by Ingytravel; November 20,2011 at 11:54am.
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #8  November 20,2011, 11:46am
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UKUSCanuk wrote :
While I agree with the previous posters, there is a practical problem that applies in both scenarios. It is difficult to bring home a romantic partner and enjoy flirtations and sex while your parents are in the house. It makes no difference if you are in their house or they are in yours. It's just awkward.
Yes, but still, if it is simply an argument of "practicality" (nice guy who loves his parents but house is a bit crowded) then that is something that can be fixed. If it is an argument of "personality flaw" (lack of independence) that cannot be fixed.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #9  November 20,2011, 1:39pm
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A budding relationship may be impacted by the level of attention and effort to care for the aging parent, in similar fashion to caring for still-dependent younger children.

Also, the parent-adult child dynamics may create a struggle pertaining to perceived loyalties and fear of abandonment with a new relationship.

Besides, maybe the aging parent is also looking for a relationship too!

I think the ideal living situation would be to have separate living quarters in the family home, like a separate suite or wing, or in-law cottage. Or an assisted living facility or apartment nearby. This would give everyone some privacy and breathing space.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #10  November 20,2011, 1:49pm
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Shelby wrote :
A budding relationship may be impacted by the level of attention and effort to care for the aging parent, in similar fashion to caring for still-dependent younger children.

Also, the parent-adult child dynamics may create a struggle pertaining to perceived loyalties and fear of abandonment with a new relationship.

Besides, maybe the aging parent is also looking for a relationship too!

I think the ideal living situation would be to have separate living quarters in the family home, like a separate suite or wing, or in-law cottage. Or an assisted living facility or apartment nearby. This would give everyone some privacy and breathing space.
A separate entrance would help. Some homes have different living areas but you have to walk past someone watching television to get there. That has to be awkward when mom and dad bring swingers home. You don't want them to feel restricted by your presence, and they're a little old for you to set rules about their visitors.
 
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