I'm having major trouble engaging in conversation, and maintaining conversation.


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Rise is offline Rise Post #1  November 19,2011, 8:28pm
Rise's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2011

Posts: 50

See profile

I'm 26, and was diagnosed with aspergers, although not as pronounced as some it shows I do have a natural handicap when it comes to social interaction . Adding on to that, I also became very withdrawn in my teens by the verbal abuse kids at school put me through, and I tend to avoid social situations and unknown people as potential hazards and sources of pain as a result.

Part of the problem I know is a shyness stemming from those things.

But the other part of the problem is that I simply do not engage in small talk, with anyone, about anything.

I don't know what to say. My mind goes blank.

Bring up a weighty intellectual topic and I'll converse for hours with you on it, because it's something of substance to me.
But I'm lost most of the time struggling to find something to talk about with people.

And I have no idea what to do about it, or if I even can do anything about it.
I could just find a girl who appreciates guys who don't talk much, but I probably won't reach that stage unless I can learn to engage in conversation during the phase of first building a relationship.
 
  Reply With Quote
UKUSCanuk is offline UKUSCanuk Post #2  November 19,2011, 8:47pm
UKUSCanuk's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2011

formerly "Annother"

Posts: 166

See profile

Your situation is more usual than you may think. I expect that there are sites and organizations that deal directly with Aspergers, people here can help you from an everyday dating point of view.

Making small talk is actually a big thing! Many people do not know how to bridge the gap from being strangers to becoming friends. I recommend that you ask questions that invite a lengthy response. Yes or No answers are not helpful. Ask how or why questions in an atmosphere of genuine interest.

Let your date know that you want to know more about her. It's not so much that you need to talk more. It is that you need to listen more effectively.
 
  Reply With Quote
stangchik is offline stangchik Post #3  November 19,2011, 9:37pm
stangchik's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2011

Posts: 3

See profile

You have two things to try. Or you can do both. I suggest both. First, there is someone for everyone out there. That is what is so great about variety and everyone being different. There are women out there with the same personality as you. You just have to find them. Second, I suggest you work on the conversation problems you have. You can overcome and fears or problems you are having if you work on it and have your mind set to it. Don't give up. Try researching how to carry on small talk. I'm sure other people have the same issues therefore there should be topics on the internet about this. I, personally, am your opposite. I am very good at small talk. I work in a grocery store and try to be polite and treat each customer with respect. A pointer is just start out small. Asking questions is the easiest way to start a conversation. Find out someones hobbies or just their favorite food or even color. Appreciate the other persons opinion no matter how different it is from your own. No two people are the same. Be concerned about other people's feelings. Ask them how their day was. Little stuff like that means a lot. Try to get to know someone on a friend basis. Think about it as figuring out who someone is and where they come from. Why they act the way they do. Let someone's 'story' be your substance. It is a mystery and you must get to know and delve into their personal opinions to figure it out. This is how I've always thought. I hope this helped your small talk problem out a little bit. Have a good rest of the day.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  November 19,2011, 10:10pm
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,075

See profile

Good advice above.

Also, Rise, you could use eHA as a place to practice. Join in on some of the Chit Chat forum threads -- they are often small talk. Or start a Small Talk thread there.

And ... don't feel you have to be someone other than who you are. Small talk can be "how about those Lakers?" or "looks like rain" or "how ya doin'" but it can also be about topics of more substance. Lots of people are not big fans of small talk and would be happy to get into something weightier with you. And, even lightweight small-talk can lead somewhere that's more interesting.
 
  Reply With Quote
Rise is offline Rise Post #5  November 19,2011, 11:27pm
Rise's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2011

Posts: 50

See profile

Stang's advice helps.
I have resisted the idea of researching how to engage in small talk, because it would seem like forced acting. I want to be genuine, but I probably should research it and see if there's a way I can just bring out more of who I am in small talk, and not put on some kind of fake act.

Forums aren't a very good place to practice. I can actually hold conversation better in text than verbally, because I'm much more expressive and experienced in writing.
I'm not that talkative on the phone or over voice on the internet, compared with how much typing I can do in real time text conversations.
 
  Reply With Quote
lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #6  November 20,2011, 5:11am
lunabeach's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jun 2010

Ohio

Posts: 2,167

See profile

Rise wrote :
...
Bring up a weighty intellectual topic and I'll converse for hours with you on it, because it's something of substance to me.
...

I could just find a girl who appreciates guys who don't talk much, but I probably won't reach that stage unless I can learn to engage in conversation during the phase of first building a relationship.
Actually, you could find a girl who appreciates guys who like to have in depth, technical conversations.

Similar to another thread going ("Dating multiple candidates"), that's not going to be the bubbly, center of the party girl. You need to make sure that who you are attracted to is in line with who you are compatible with - we see a disconnect between the two on the boards often (and, equally often, a complete rejection that that is happening or that it's worth changing). It is worth changing - it's pretty awesome dating someone who accepts you for who you are, who you can be yourself with b/c you know they like you more for it. It's also really awesome being that person for someone else.

Most likely a girl you're compatible with is going to be a girl like you in this area, who may not always find it easy to strike up a conversation but who can carry her share once she gets going. You don't need to find someone with the same interests (you'll have more to talk about with different interests...and you'll learn some things ), just someone who likes to communicate in a similar way.

Sassafras is correct that small talk can be technical and in depth (I had a very short discussion with someone yesterday while waiting in line about the paradox of choice and how stores are probably hurting their sales with overwhelming selections on one display). The key is to keeping it light and not lecturing - you need to be succinct.

Just relax about finding "the one" - accept that many of the women you meet will not be; it takes a lot of pressure off. Contact many different women and avoid a "type" because it sounds like you don't know what works for you yet anyway.
Last edited by lunabeach; November 20,2011 at 5:14am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  November 20,2011, 5:18am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,286

See profile

Being a text fanatic is different than communication difficulties.
All language skills (written, spoken, non-verbal, etc.) are learned and the effort to practice (besides just texting skills) is in your best interest. From your posts, the written skills seem fine. Maybe date girls who are as into texting as you are...since that is the preference... Good Luck..
Rise wrote :
Forums aren't a very good place to practice. I can actually hold conversation better in text than verbally, because I'm much more expressive and experienced in writing.
I'm not that talkative on the phone or over voice on the internet, compared with how much typing I can do in real time text conversations.
 
  Reply With Quote
lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #8  November 20,2011, 5:19am
lunabeach's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jun 2010

Ohio

Posts: 2,167

See profile

Also: it's totally ok to let someone know that you're not a fan of talking on the phone. It's not unusual to prefer face to face communication, the phone is just a tool to filter for some people - if you find yourself communicating with someone who wants to converse by phone for long periods of time before meeting, that may not be someone you're compatible with (unless there's some distance involved and meeting soon is less viable)
 
  Reply With Quote
szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #9  November 22,2011, 8:03pm
szgorzelski's Avatar

is on beercation.

Veteran

Joined: Jan 2010

Fort Eustis, VA

Posts: 1,413

See profile

Rise wrote :
Stang's advice helps.
I have resisted the idea of researching how to engage in small talk, because it would seem like forced acting. I want to be genuine, but I probably should research it and see if there's a way I can just bring out more of who I am in small talk, and not put on some kind of fake act.

Forums aren't a very good place to practice. I can actually hold conversation better in text than verbally, because I'm much more expressive and experienced in writing.
I'm not that talkative on the phone or over voice on the internet, compared with how much typing I can do in real time text conversations.
Small talk is forced acting, but silence makes people uncomfortable. You don't engage in deep meaningful conversation with someone you've just met, but small talk does lead there.
 
  Reply With Quote
1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #10  November 22,2011, 8:32pm
1Horselady's Avatar

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL THE MAY MEMBERS!

Virtuoso / Chit-Chat Board Leader

Joined: Jun 2008

Somewhere out there

Posts: 4,088

See profile

Are you working, or going to college? How do you talk to people that you are already friends with-including relatives? If you're comfortable with these people, you can actually practice with them. I would start there. If you start with anyone(including women-any age), ask questions about them, most people like to talk about themselves. If that doesn't get you going, ask about music, food, movies, outdoor activities (sports), anything that you would think the other person may be interested in. Or you both have in common. Since we have a holiday coming soon, ask them about their plans, and do they have any favorite memories? Then when you are comfortable talking about these things with people you know, move it to someone you don't know. Are you more comfortable talking to other guys? Start there. Once you get to know another stranger, move it to a female. I wouldn't even try for a romantic relationship yet. I would try talking either to a girl that just looks friendly, or is an extrovert. Extroverts can help you with your shyness. I know this well, I was VERY SHY when I was alot younger. I couldn't even look a boy in the eyes because I automatically started blushing.

If you are still in school, ask any girl sitting near you about any class assignment, then go from there. Even if you understand everything, this is just an opening, and women like to be needed. If at work, either ask for someone's help( I have NO idea what you do) , if it's a BIG project. Then try the topics I suggest above. Or if it's a lunch, dinner, or a break, you could ask any female how their day is going. You may even use this with older women, NOT to get a date(unless you like us that way), but to get some insight into the female psyche. There's NO age barrier for that. Then once you start talking to one female, try a second one, then a third. If anyone clicks with you at this point, follow it up. Don't give up if anyone rejects you, and DON'T take it personally. Just MOVE ON to another female.

One word of caution however. Unless you want other men or women to be riled, avoid politics, religion, and anything dealing with money matters. Or saying anything deragatory about anyone-makes you look like a complainer, and a person with a nasty personality. Be kind.

By this time, you should be getting more comfortable talking to people in general. This process takes time, and persistance, but my method does work. I'm not even talking in months-if you are a quick learner-yes, but expect this to take awhile. Once you feel more relaxed, then you can start looking for romance.


And if you want to begin, remember your manners. Many women still appreciate doors being opened for them. And if they respond, look them in the eye, and reply" either thank you, or you're welcome". There are NO age boundaries for this either. And this gives you a perfect opening for ANY prospective gf.



I hope I am able to help you alittle.


Let us know what happens.


Take care,


Suzie
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« first date callback | Ask a Dating Expert | Need help, 25 y/o guy with panic disorder »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Does he date women his own age? Who pays? If he still hasn't called by tonight, should you call him? I can understand his read. It doesn't sound like you'll lose any sleep over Bill if you never ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“JNS - the way I handle these sparse/photoless profiles is to Archive them. If there is no photo, you can send a photo nudge. Also, keep an eye on the updates section on your home page. There it will ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Sparse profiles.” discussion

“ Thank you for your feedback, Sweetnectar. I've actually stopped the smoking thing because I'm not even sure why I do it when drinking. But I've also stopped receiving matches for now! No other ... ” –  Scott_in_LA

Join the “Profile and Pics Review, Please (M/38)” discussion

“List red flags for men Moderators are watching Get back on topic” –  harnomygirl

Join the “RED flags for men” discussion

“Here's the ad. Want your hair blown back? Trojan Vibrations Commercial Neighbors - YouTube You poor thing! Were you bad? Tweet ... This is the one, though now you did make me have to watch all ... ” –  Shelby

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“That's the whole point of me posting here instead of saying all this to him. Because I KNOW it's too much. So that's what I'm saying - I am backing off. I'm not pressing. I put the ball in his court ... ” –  Holiday_HH

Join the “I think I blew it...” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:26pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0