I'm having major trouble engaging in conversation, and maintaining conversation.


Reply
  • Page 2 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #11  November 23,2011, 5:25am
Tipitina's Avatar

repents for her good behavior.

Veteran

Joined: Dec 2007

New Jersey

Posts: 1,318

See profile

Rise, I'm not sure if this will work for you, but a few years ago I learned a little method of engaging a conversation and getting it going. It involved a little bit of visualization where you see a house, and the things in it are cues to different conversational topics (i.e. where the other person lives, their family, their work, hobbies and so on). When I first used it, it felt kind of fake, but it helps you find common ground with the other person. You just keep 'walking through the house' until you find common interests you can talk about. Then you don't have to worry about the house at all, because you've got a good conversation going.

I'm not big on small talk, but I've found that this process helps keep me from worrying about those dreaded long pauses in conversation with people I don't know well. And people like it when you show interest in their lives, as long as it's sincere.

If you'd like to check it out, there's a good description of it here.
I hope it helps!
 
  Reply With Quote
tangochef is offline tangochef Post #12  November 23,2011, 3:53pm
tangochef's Avatar

is happy to be home.

Veteran

Joined: May 2011

Southern CA

Posts: 2,348

See profile

UKUSCanuk wrote :
Your situation is more usual than you may think. I expect that there are sites and organizations that deal directly with Aspergers, people here can help you from an everyday dating point of view.

...
It must be getting very common. Very recently we have had 3 brand new forum poster guys with Aspergers asking very similar questions. Amazing that all had the same issues, I guess must be due to the symptoms.

Prior to those posters I did not even know what Aspergers was, and had to look it up.
 
  Reply With Quote
myusernamehere is offline myusernamehere Post #13  November 23,2011, 4:24pm
myusernameher…'s Avatar

is awesome

Veteran

Joined: May 2010

Posts: 1,401

See profile

I know exactly what you mean, my friend. Women reject me for it all the time.
 
  Reply With Quote
tangochef is offline tangochef Post #14  November 24,2011, 11:39am
tangochef's Avatar

is happy to be home.

Veteran

Joined: May 2011

Southern CA

Posts: 2,348

See profile

myusernamehere wrote :
I know exactly what you mean, my friend. Women reject me for it all the time.
With good reason too. They don't want to be dropped like a bad habit later.
 
  Reply With Quote
Immerito is offline Immerito Post #15  November 24,2011, 7:47pm
Immerito's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jul 2008

Texas

Posts: 371

See profile

Rise wrote :
I'm 26, and was diagnosed with aspergers, although not as pronounced as some it shows I do have a natural handicap when it comes to social interaction . Adding on to that, I also became very withdrawn in my teens by the verbal abuse kids at school put me through, and I tend to avoid social situations and unknown people as potential hazards and sources of pain as a result.

Part of the problem I know is a shyness stemming from those things.

But the other part of the problem is that I simply do not engage in small talk, with anyone, about anything.

I don't know what to say. My mind goes blank.

Bring up a weighty intellectual topic and I'll converse for hours with you on it, because it's something of substance to me.
But I'm lost most of the time struggling to find something to talk about with people.

And I have no idea what to do about it, or if I even can do anything about it.
I could just find a girl who appreciates guys who don't talk much, but I probably won't reach that stage unless I can learn to engage in conversation during the phase of first building a relationship.
I can't resist quoting from one of my favorite books, Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice:

[Elizabeth asks] ``Shall we ask him why a man of sense and education, and who has lived in the world, is ill qualified to recommend himself to strangers?''

``I can answer your question,'' said Fitzwilliam (Darcy's cousin), ``without applying to him. It is because he will not give himself the trouble.''


``I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,'' said [Mr.] Darcy, ``of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.''


``My fingers,'' said Elizabeth, ``do not move over this instrument [a piano] in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault -- because I would not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution.''


****
The moral is the same: conversation is a life skill that must be practiced. The only way to improve is to make an effort to do it. Yes, it will be awkward at times, but no one learns to play an instrument without a few sour notes, and no one learns to ride a bike without a few tumbles to the ground. You are simply developing a life skill at a later stage than some, that is all.


Best wishes!
 
  Reply With Quote
harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #16  November 25,2011, 8:20am
harnomygirl's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2011

Posts: 6,377

See profile

Elizabeth was remarkably conceited. The only possible explanation for her lack of talent must be lack of interest and practice. It is impossible that anyone could be better than she is at anything otherwise.
 
  Reply With Quote
Rise is offline Rise Post #17  November 26,2011, 2:21pm
Rise's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2011

Posts: 50

See profile

Actually forcing myself to engage in conversation with random people is harder to do than I thought it would be. I haven't actually done it yet. I think my shyness is at work here more than I realized.
Even though with friends and relatives I can be very quiet anyway.
 
  Reply With Quote
harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #18  November 26,2011, 2:27pm
harnomygirl's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2011

Posts: 6,377

See profile

Rise wrote :
Actually forcing myself to engage in conversation with random people is harder to do than I thought it would be. I haven't actually done it yet. I think my shyness is at work here more than I realized.
Even though with friends and relatives I can be very quiet anyway.
That means you might need more help than the average person. Look into getting professional help. Depending on where you live, you might be able to take a group class or you might have to see a counselor one-on-one who specializes in mainstreaming people socially.

There are men who prefer very quiet women. If you are certain that they do not prefer that for chauvinistic reasons, you might be happier with one of them.

Keep us posted.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #19  November 26,2011, 3:14pm
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,495

See profile

Rise wrote :
Actually forcing myself to engage in conversation with random people is harder to do than I thought it would be. I haven't actually done it yet. I think my shyness is at work here more than I realized.
Even though with friends and relatives I can be very quiet anyway.
Forcing a conversation with random people is difficult for anyone. Start off slow, in an area where you obviously have something in common to talk about. I'm guessing you're in college.... in the cafeteria make a comment about how good (or unusual, or whatever) the entree is. After class, strike up a conversation about the topic of the day... or ask for help as study partners. Find a campus group of interest (there are lots of them, from purely social, to activity based, to interest based, to potential career based) and talk to people there about the topic of the group.

That should be at least slightly easier than trying to talk to someone totally random about the weather (though that is good practice in an elevator, etc., too).

My son is a college student with Aspergers Syndrome. Living on campus and being forced to interact with people all on his own has been good for him, but a year and a half in he still hasn't forged any new friendships there, nevermind a girlfriend. It takes a lot of practice, a little bit of a thick skin, and patience. While your natural tendency may be to stay to yourself, you really do have to make yourself get out there to talk to people.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 2 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« first date callback | Ask a Dating Expert | Need help, 25 y/o guy with panic disorder »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Does he date women his own age? Who pays? If he still hasn't called by tonight, should you call him? I can understand his read. It doesn't sound like you'll lose any sleep over Bill if you never ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“JNS - the way I handle these sparse/photoless profiles is to Archive them. If there is no photo, you can send a photo nudge. Also, keep an eye on the updates section on your home page. There it will ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Sparse profiles.” discussion

“ Thank you for your feedback, Sweetnectar. I've actually stopped the smoking thing because I'm not even sure why I do it when drinking. But I've also stopped receiving matches for now! No other ... ” –  Scott_in_LA

Join the “Profile and Pics Review, Please (M/38)” discussion

“List red flags for men Moderators are watching Get back on topic” –  harnomygirl

Join the “RED flags for men” discussion

“Here's the ad. Want your hair blown back? Trojan Vibrations Commercial Neighbors - YouTube You poor thing! Were you bad? Tweet ... This is the one, though now you did make me have to watch all ... ” –  Shelby

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“That's the whole point of me posting here instead of saying all this to him. Because I KNOW it's too much. So that's what I'm saying - I am backing off. I'm not pressing. I put the ball in his court ... ” –  Holiday_HH

Join the “I think I blew it...” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:25pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0