DrDave2222 is offline DrDave2222 Post #1  October 1,2011, 10:50am
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I've read through a lot of posts and I see some central themes. It certainly looks like we could all benefit from Dr. Jampolsky's advice in his book "Love is Letting Go of Fear". Despite reading this, even I haven't let go of all fear; or at least find myself more than confused at times.

I had thought I may have found the one. Then tragically she found her mom's best friend, who served as more of a second mom or favorite aunt, sadly passed away. She asked for some time alone to feel her feelings, and taking Dr. Jampolsky's advice, of course I honored her request.

She resumed texting and calling and we agreed on a lunch together. We met and she professed that the time apart really helped her appreciate how much she cared and wanted to be together. At that same lunch I asked about a potential trip together for December, only to find that she had booked a solo trip to Tokyo and Thailand. I asked if she wanted to have me join, and she indicated she needed lots of solo time and that this helped her to be a more loving and growing person.

My response was that too much time apart is not healthy; or at least not for me. Perhaps I am impatient - but to spend the better part of 3 months apart doesn't sound like building toward a long-term committed relationship. So, fear or impatience? I am unsure; but I've also read about the health of dating and respecting that until you have a dedicated relationship, don't close off the opportunity to meet someone truly exceptional.

Any thoughts are welcome. At this point I feel I've been more than patient, empathetic and loving and it is now tiime to focus elsewhere. There are so many terrific people to meet, and I have very high hopes for the future.
 
 
bonzi is offline bonzi Post #2  October 1,2011, 12:24pm
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Can you leave your work for three months? She can and is taking the time to work through her loss. If you've ever had to make the choice to disconnect a loved one (done that) or come across their body, it takes time to settle down. Be thankful she sees this for herself. The experience remind any of us of our mortality. Try holding your breath... you can't help but take another breath. There it is "you have high hopes" for you next breath. There are terrific people out there. See her as balanced. Dating can be brutal, rewarding and fearful. There is a lot of pressure, myself included, when we think we've found "the one". Sadly, it can disappear in a blink.
Perhaps look at this as 90 dinners apart with 99999 to go once she gets back. You gotta breath so check out the air around you. She told you at lunch how much she cares for you and want to be together. Hold that, but breath.....
 
 
LDJ is offline LDJ Post #3  October 1,2011, 12:25pm
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It is not that either one of you is right nor wrong, just different. What she needs in a relationship with you right now is not what you need in a relationship right now. Some would call it "bad timing" right person but wrong day, circumstances etc.

Some people might say that if she was "into you" she would not book a trip solo. I dont' think this is true unless you are already establsihed as a couple for some time. This tripis on her "bucket list" of must do\s in life. It seems it is more important to her at this time than establishing a relationshp with you. This doesn't mean she doens't want to do that if you are still available when she returns.

I would support her, stay in touch with her, and in the meantime continue to date others, who knows what 3 or 6 months down the road might mean.

Oh, and I don't really see where fear plays into this at all, btw.
 
 
SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #4  October 2,2011, 1:03pm
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she's a player, dump her.
 
 
WowVonage is offline WowVonage Post #5  October 2,2011, 1:11pm
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Part of me says that she does just need time for herself and to do a solo trip to find herself. That being said, I don't think her feelings are on par with yours. I understand what you mean by fear, and I know the feeling of losing the opportunity of what you feel is a once in a lifetime type of deal.

It would probably be best to do as the others have said, to support her but just start to do your own thing and try not to focus too much on her. To be quite honest, she may even date some guys while she's on this 3 month Eat/Pray/Love sabbatical.

Hoping for the best,

~m
 
 
tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #6  October 2,2011, 1:25pm
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DrDave2222 wrote :
I asked if she wanted to have me join, and she indicated she needed lots of solo time and that this helped her to be a more loving and growing person.


What a line of bs. I'd give her time alright....NEXT!
 
 
PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #7  October 2,2011, 2:54pm
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Relationships can survive this kind of separation. Mine has. My BF and I are long-distance, and he is also frequently out of the country for weeks at a time. Our longest time apart at any one stretch has been about 4 months, and we kept in touch almost daily during this time by e-mail, Skype, or phone. But our relatinship is a bit unusual, I think, and anyway, neither one of us has ever deliberately gone away from the other for the sake of separation--whatever the purported motive of separation--as your GF is doing.

How close were you before? Do you think that she believes that you, too, are "the one"? Or has she always seemed less involved than you in the relationship?
 
 
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  October 2,2011, 3:55pm
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DrDave2222 wrote :
Any thoughts are welcome. At this point I feel I've been more than patient, empathetic and loving and it is now tiime to focus elsewhere. There are so many terrific people to meet, and I have very high hopes for the future.
How long have you two been dating? Have you agreed to be exclusive? It sounds like you are far more committed to this relationship than she is.

I'd say take the 3 months that she'll be traveling and meet new people, go on dates with more women. If you're available and so inclined to date her when she gets back, fine. If not, then you're three months ahead in finding the one who is right for you. Frankly, she doesn't sound like the one.
 
 
savman is offline savman Post #9  October 2,2011, 7:19pm
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It is really hard to answer this not knowing more about your relationship. If you have known her for less than 6 months, or if you have been an exclusive couple for a couple of years, would lead to totally different answers.

Either way though, talk to her about where she sees the relationship now and in the future. If she has no interest to even talk about it, you will know where you stand. If she also thinks you might be the one, she will be happy to discuss it.
 
 
VolGal is offline VolGal Post #10  October 2,2011, 8:13pm
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As with other posters before me, there are variables that need to be answered before we can all opine on what may be going on.

I have a perspective to lend that is in the minority here. I lost my mother (and we were VERY close) after an 18 month battle with metastatic cancer that suddenly returned after a long absence. Those last few months with her were very difficult. I am a different person for that experience. I took some time off from dating, but, at the time of her death, I didn't have an ongoing relationship with anyone.

I restarted dating and then...wham...my father unexpectedly dies within 6 months of my mother. This really took a toll on me. When I look back on the experience, however, I realize that even at 6 months out from my mother's death, I was not really in a good state emotionally.

If you believe she is worth waiting for, then, by all means, please wait. If part of you is suspicious, then hedge your bets and keep dating but keep your options open with the object of your affection.

It sounds as if you want to give her a chance. I encourage you to do that. Everyone deals with grief and death differently. She could be giving you a line, or she could just be really that in touch with her emotional state. The latter is a rare find and worth waiting for.

I had just started dating a guy at the time of my father's sudden death. For months afterward, I was very emotional, hard-to-pin-down, and used physical distance to protect myself until I was sure I was making decisions based on something other than rebound from grief. I make no excuses for protecting myself, knowing that my emotions were in a fragile state, and using time as my ally. However, I was very up-front, clear and unequivocal with those whom I dated during this time. I believed they were entitled to the truth.
Last edited by VolGal; October 2,2011 at 8:18pm.
 
 
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