That_Chris_Guy is offline That_Chris_Guy Post #1  September 29,2011, 12:28am
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I've always been curious about this. People play coy, people feign ignorance, people would do anything to escape who they are in order to find a woman or man to accept them for who they are. What kind of sense does that make?

As naive as this may sound, why is it so hard for people to be themselves?

Heartbreak hurts no matter what, so you might as well avoid the games altogether and play it straight. Why would anyone willingly choose to play against the truth and adopt a more lovable persona? Even if it works, that only means you'll have to keep up the act...every...single...day. Lies, no matter how light, never serve a good purpose. No one should live a cowardly life. Besides, games are for children.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #2  September 29,2011, 1:57am
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what is the background to your comment? is this relating to something happening in your life?
 
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That_Chris_Guy is offline That_Chris_Guy Post #3  September 29,2011, 7:57am
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I've always had issues dating (mostly just getting to date #1) and whenever I would get curious and pick other people's brains, I would always get responses like "you need to know how to play the game" which usually involves pretending not to be interested and hiding your feelings. Common sense things like being polite and tactful make sense, but purposely sending the wrong messages is...well...deceitful. Anything that contradicts the truth is a lie. There are no exceptions.

For example, the rule (or at least the American rule) is to wait to call. What purpose does it serve? It seems ridiculous to even think about feigning lack of interest at all, especially when there's no one else around.

After a while, people are more focused on reading from a script than acting on how they actually feelings. It's almost as if those people are unaware that if the relationship does succeed and they start spending more time together (or even living together), the facades they make with inevitably unravel, their true selves will be revealed, and the introductions would have to start over because...NOBODY KNOWS ANYBODY.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #4  September 29,2011, 11:52am
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Chris - you sound like you want to try something different in order to have better success with dating. And, that's good! If you feel that things are not working, then asking for advice is a great place to start.

But, when you start going on what everyone else says you should do, and that goes against what you feel is right for you, that's when you end up seeming "fake" and like you are "playing games". Like the "waiting to call" game. I'm not sure what your friends are suggesting, but if it's something like "Never call a woman within 3 days of going out with her" then that is just ridiculous advice. It is never a bad idea to initiate contact when you feel like doing it.

I wonder if you have a history of seeming too eager with the women you are trying to date? One phone call/email/text is reasonable, and works to express your interest. Leaving repeated messages to ask "Why haven't you called me back yet?!" is starting to get into clingy, or stalker, territory. Do you think you have been guilty of that kind of smothering behavior before? Maybe that is what your friends are trying to caution you against?
 
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Swirlndia is offline Swirlndia Post #5  September 29,2011, 11:58am
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You are not alone. I had never gotten real and open with a guy before he opens his cards first. But then again, it had never happened before date #1 or even a few dates down the road. Games are only fun when both people know they are playing.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #6  September 29,2011, 12:13pm
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Right off the bat without reading your thread, people who think others are playing "games" almost always have issues/baggage to work through. 99% of other people have better things to do than to play games with you. They do what makes them happy, often but not always with some thought to the feelings of others.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #7  September 29,2011, 12:31pm
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wrote :
Lies, no matter how light, never serve a good purpose.
False. Truth is an important ideal, but not the only one in most peoples' codes of ethics. If I a Nazi is looking for Jews and demands to know, yes or no, whether one is hiding in your house--lying and answering "no" serves a good purpose. I do agree people lie often when it serves no good purpose.

That_Chris_Guy wrote :
Why would anyone willingly choose to play against the truth and adopt a more lovable persona?
Some context would help. We often put our best foot forward on dates. Which is not the same as pretending to be something we're not. I'm picking up my house just now before company arrives. I usually do this same big cleanup the first weekend of each month--but I don't want them to stop by and say, "Jesus Christ! Is his place always this messy?" In a similar vain, women may schedule their haircut for just before a date.
 
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myusernamehere is offline myusernamehere Post #8  September 29,2011, 1:01pm
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It's because they work.
 
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saturnoculto is offline saturnoculto Post #9  September 29,2011, 1:39pm
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I'm with you. I personally feel repulsed by the "game". And I don't play it. I simply am myself. Things either are or they aren't. If I have to play a game just to keep a girl around, then personally I believe I'd rather be alone, because as much as I do wish for a long term relationship in my life, I'm not willing to pretend someone that I'm not just to keep it. I want someone that loves me for what I am, the same way I've loved them for what they are. End of the story.
 
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That_Chris_Guy is offline That_Chris_Guy Post #10  September 29,2011, 1:57pm
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myusernamehere wrote :
It's because they work.
So does extortion, homicide, abuse, etc. Doesn't an "ends justify the means" argument seem a bit morally bankrupt?

shapeShifter79 wrote :
We often put our best foot forward on dates. Which is not the same as pretending to be something we're not. I'm picking up my house just now before company arrives. I usually do this same big cleanup the first weekend of each month--but I don't want them to stop by and say, "Jesus Christ! Is his place always this messy?" In a similar vain, women may schedule their haircut for just before a date.
Yes, people usually want to look better to prove not only they take care of themselves, but they care about who they're with. What I was referring to were people's actions during the dating process.

When a man lies about himself or his past or a woman pretends to be shy to appear more innocent or coax the man into chasing, how could that possibly turn into a relationship? It's pretty much a game of chess at that point. They'll both attempt to manipulate and one-up each other into a checkmate. Is that supposed to be fun? Is that what dating is supposed to be about? What's the point of hiding/changing who you are if you're hoping someone would fall in love with you for you? Doesn't that seem counter-intuitive?
Last edited by That_Chris_Guy; September 29,2011 at 2:08pm.
 
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