A question about shallow hookups vs. codependency?


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Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #1  September 6,2011, 6:05pm
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I read a post on here that said women who expect emotional intimacy or the cultivation of a relationship before sex are insecure and have codependency issues. My initial reaction to this statement was very strong. Did the poster actually believe that there are women who become more compliant after they’ve been told they have psychological issues if they resist? The poster’s statement appeared to be made out of desperation until I took a step back and tried to see it from a different perspective.

Here is what it comes down to for me. I think we throw around a lot of terms like jerk, player, and codependent or clingy without taking the time to really understand where the other person is coming from. What I believe is that a person who seeks shallow “hook ups” or someone who needs emotional intimacy before sex isn’t “broken.” Neither person has chosen to be the way they are - - they are merely responding to a need. Conflict arises when people with different needs find themselves attracted to each other and try to act on that attraction. I may have oversimplified it, but I think that sums it up.

Agree? Disagree? What do you think?
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #2  September 6,2011, 6:19pm
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Hmm.. that must make me insecure.

I like to believe in absolutes for as many things as possible, but the push for quite a while now in many things is that someone is ok just because that 'wasn't their choice'. When the only real merit to that argument is that it is unarguable.

In its simplest form, you are right, but I refuse to believe just because a different way exists that is on equal grounds as another.
 
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Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #3  September 6,2011, 6:31pm
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niqht wrote :
Hmm.. that must make me insecure.

I like to believe in absolutes for as many things as possible, but the push for quite a while now in many things is that someone is ok just because that 'wasn't their choice'. When the only real merit to that argument is that it is unarguable.

In its simplest form, you are right, but I refuse to believe just because a different way exists that is on equal grounds as another.
That makes sense.

It is a reach for me to try and see it from the other side, but I find it does help a little when I make the effort. The only common ground I have with someone on the other side is that we are both trying to fill a very strong need except they are very different needs. I agree with you that maybe they aren't equal and can’t really be compared.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  September 6,2011, 7:05pm
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I think you are onto something there (pretty much what most of know already) but there is one part I think you need to add or consider.

The guy who is always looking for a quick hook-up is too (player-like, jaded, pick whatever word you like) for me. And, I'm sure the girl who needs a emotional connection before sex is too (insecure, needy, clingy, pick whatever work you like) for certain guys. It doesn't make them "bad", just not the right one.

I think it is just easier to label people (and in essence blame them) with these terms to make ourselves feel better than to acknowledge the two just weren't a good match.

That doesn't mean that there aren't some truly "broken" people out there. I'm positive there are. I've met a few. But, those broken people don't see themselves as broken and continue to run-a-muck, sometimes breaking other people along the way.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #5  September 6,2011, 8:59pm
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The question is would one also need exclusivity during the time to build an emotional connection prior to intimacy.

I have had it mentioned on these forums from some women that they would like to wait 6-9 months prior to being intimate with a guy.

If the expectation is to have an exclusive, platonic relationship until that time well I don't know too many guys that would wait around that long.

The combination is OK for me, I can compartmentalise. I can have pillow friends, formal occasion friends, and a romantic interest that I could wait for where I can combine all of the above when the time is right.
 
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Spiffy255 is offline Spiffy255 Post #6  September 6,2011, 9:27pm
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I firmly believe that these categories are completely based on the perception of others. I have had women call me a player or a woman-hater, yet others have labeled me as needy or romantic. On these grounds, I feel that these personality labels are purely in the eye of the beholder. Therefore, how you personally feel about those types of people is how you feel, and I see no sense in trying to believe the other side, but rather objectively respect the belief that they're not all bad, but it's just not your cup of tea.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  September 6,2011, 10:15pm
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Diana_P wrote :
... Neither person has chosen to be the way they are - - they are merely responding to a need ...
I agree that people differ on what they think will make them happy. I don't quite understand this part of your post though ... do you think people are born with or somehow develop different needs, and then they get out there and try to satisfy those needs?

Not sure I buy that. People think about themselves, and about other people, and they learn from experience and from each other and from their culture ... and make choices on what life they want. It doesn't seem to me that we're "driven by different needs". I would guess the underlying need/want is very similar for nearly everyone: "I want to be happy". ??
 
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deluxe is offline deluxe Post #8  September 6,2011, 10:16pm
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Ugh, I don't care about labels or what someone else thinks, I do what I think and know is right for me.

This is based on merely opinion and personal differences. No real right or wrong, just what is right for you.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #9  September 7,2011, 3:27am
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Diana_P wrote :
I read a post on here that said women who expect emotional intimacy or the cultivation of a relationship before sex are insecure and have codependency issues. My initial reaction to this statement was very strong. Did the poster actually believe that there are women who become more compliant after they’ve been told they have psychological issues if they resist? The poster’s statement appeared to be made out of desperation
In my experience, people can justify anything to suit their whim. For this person (and, yes, I know who wrote that particular statement), he was merely attempting to justify his own belief that it is ok to date (and presumably to have sex with) women for fun, even though he knows there is no long-term potential ...until, in his words, one woman comes along who 'rocks his world'.

Right? ...wrong? ...meh. I can guarantee you, even the most heinous of relationship crimes have a reasonable justification behind them ('reasonable' for at least for that person). People need to be able to look at themselves in the mirror the next morning.

Diana_P wrote :
What I believe is that a person who seeks shallow “hook ups” or someone who needs emotional intimacy before sex isn’t “broken.” Neither person has chosen to be the way they are - - they are merely responding to a need. Conflict arises when people with different needs find themselves attracted to each other and try to act on that attraction. I may have oversimplified it, but I think that sums it up.
Negative. Ghostrider ...

wrote :
Conflict arises when people with different expectations find themselves attracted to each other and try to act on that attraction.
This would be a more accurate statement.

An expectation could be based on a 'need', yes, but could also simply be based on a 'want' or even a 'preference' ...and I would argue that the desire to be emotionally involved with someone to justify having sex with them - and vice versa - is nothing more than a 'preference', not a 'need' since, clearly, we are as human beings with all the right equipment can, in fact, have sex without any emotional involvement whatsoever.

Other than that ...what's your point? Chances are, no one will be able to ascertain someone else's 'true' expectations of any given situation until they make them known. There is one commodity that our society is becoming very very good at producing ...actors.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #10  September 7,2011, 8:44am
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If you don't like someone, it's easy to call them names or ascribe bad intentions or low morals to them. I think sometimes people are closed off to others and quick to dislike. So it's hard for anyone to win with them.
 
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