My dates tell me my looks and personality don't match!


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JoyfullJenn is offline JoyfullJenn Post #1  August 15,2011, 9:59am
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I have been doing online dating for 5 years now, and have not found anyone. I have used Eharmony, Match, and a couple other less known sites. The problem is that almost all my dates (I average 2 guys a week) do not call me back after 2-5 dates or phone conversations. Sometimes we will meet without talking on the phone.

Over these years I have noticed a pattern where my dates will go exceptionally well. Most of the time, the dates last at least 5 hours and the conversation and chemistry are great. The guys usually compliment me on many different aspects. I nearly always go home truly believing that I will be seeing the guy many more times. But alas, the trend continues where I do not hear from my suitors again after a few more dates.

My friends would sign up for Eharmony or Match and end up in relationships with the 2nd or 3rd person they met. Why not me?For the longest time I had no clue as to why my dates were falling off the planet. I am 27 years old, optimistic, well-spoken, fit, have a great job as a high school English Teacher, and most men find me attractive. Nobody's perfect, but I think I have qualities that should have made me marketable to someone by now.

So, I decided to email a few of the guys who had recently fallen away from me. They all basically said that there was a disparity between my looks, my tone of voice, and personality. They would look at my pictures (which are very recent) and judge by my petite, youthful, and soft features. When I appeared in person, they were shocked by my serious, intellectual demeanor. In different words, they all made it clear that after a few dates, they decided I was way too serious and conservative for them.

Has anyone else had similar online experiences? Is it possible that online dating really does not work for some personality types? Should I remove my photos from my profile?
Last edited by JoyfullJenn; August 15,2011 at 10:02am.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #2  August 15,2011, 10:09am
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I would not recommend removing your photos; many men will automatically dismiss a profile with no pictures, assuming you are overweight or unattractive.
Maybe you need to do a better job in your profile and initial communications portraying your personality accurately, not what you think men want to see. Try posting your EH profile in the Using Eharmony thread and get some feedback.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #3  August 15,2011, 10:12am
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do you smile when you are on dates/meeting people?

do you wear clothing which is too formal?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  August 15,2011, 10:13am
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wrote :
So, I decided to email a few of the guys who had recently fallen away from me. They all basically said that there was a disparity between my looks, my tone of voice, and personality. They would look at my pictures (which are very recent) and judge by my petite, youthful, and soft features. When I appeared in person, they were shocked by my serious, intellectual demeanor. In different words, they all made it clear that after a few dates, they decided I was way too serious and conservative for them.

Has anyone else had similar online experiences? Is it possible that online dating really does not work for some personality types? Should I remove my photos from my profile?
I'm not sure if I believe that all these guys are dismissing you based upon your inside(personality) vs your outside,(physical appearance)as I think the odds are that most guys are not going to be so bewildered, or put off..that they would walk away based solely on that sort of discrepancy or comparison(although it's conceivable that they may be trying to let you down gently by telling you this)

I think the thing that you do have some control over here is not your looks vs preconceived notions about them, but rather the way you are coming across to them.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  August 15,2011, 10:30am
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JoyfullJenn wrote :
So, I decided to email a few of the guys who had recently fallen away from me. They all basically said that there was a disparity between my looks, my tone of voice, and personality. They would look at my pictures (which are very recent) and judge by my petite, youthful, and soft features. When I appeared in person, they were shocked by my serious, intellectual demeanor. In different words, they all made it clear that after a few dates, they decided I was way too serious and conservative for them.
And that's OK...isn't it? If their personalities and yours...don't match?

We don't always; that's the truth of it.

The only way this should be a problem is if you are trying to "fit" yourself to somebody else...

...or if you're not really serious and conservative...

...in which case, you should look at your presentation. But if you are more serious and conservative than not...I would not concern myself with the ones who don't "fit" me.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; August 15,2011 at 10:43am.
 
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Clare334 is offline Clare334 Post #6  August 15,2011, 10:39am
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Some guys don't read profiles. I went out with a few guys who seemed to know nothing about me. When I asked them if they read my profile, they said they just looked at the pictures! No joke, both guys said that guys in general rarely read a girl's profile. That's why it is so important to talk on the phone before you meet. You did mention that you spoke on the phone with some guys, and that those guys sometimes did not get back to you. Trust me, it was better that way. Don't give in to the ones who don't want to talk on the phone. They are often the ones who have not interest in your hobbies/interests and just want to be out with a good-looking girl.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #7  August 15,2011, 10:50am
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JoyfullJenn wrote :
They would look at my pictures (which are very recent) and judge by my petite, youthful, and soft features. When I appeared in person, they were shocked by my serious, intellectual demeanor.
What do your pictures portray? Do they portray a serious intellectual, or do they portray a party girl?

This could be way off base, but this is what jumped out at me from your post.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #8  August 15,2011, 11:25am
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JoyfullJenn wrote :
My friends would sign up for Eharmony or Match and end up in relationships with the 2nd or 3rd person they met. Why not me?For the longest time I had no clue as to why my dates were falling off the planet. I am 27 years old, optimistic, well-spoken, fit, have a great job as a high school English Teacher, and most men find me attractive. Nobody's perfect, but I think I have qualities that should have made me marketable to someone by now.

So, I decided to email a few of the guys who had recently fallen away from me. They all basically said that there was a disparity between my looks, my tone of voice, and personality. They would look at my pictures (which are very recent) and judge by my petite, youthful, and soft features. When I appeared in person, they were shocked by my serious, intellectual demeanor. In different words, they all made it clear that after a few dates, they decided I was way too serious and conservative for them.

Has anyone else had similar online experiences? Is it possible that online dating really does not work for some personality types? Should I remove my photos from my profile?
As a 29 yr. old man who has not succeeded in finding a long-term relationship after about 3 years of online dating, I would certainly like to go out with a "well-spoken, fit, petite, youthful, soft-featured, intellectual, serious, and conservative" 27 yr. old English teacher.

But I guess that's just me ...

If most men find you attractive and you have pictures up---well, I'm pretty much under the impression it shouldn't be a problem for you to have a very large number of dates available on these dating sites, unless you are in an isolated rural area.

So consider the possibility that you may be self-selecting men who are ultimately going to reject you?

Are you agreeing to go on dates with men who appear to be intellectual, serious, conservative themselves? Or who appear to be fun and stereotypically masculine (cool, aloof, alpha male)? Do they appear to have read your profile when they email you? Do they ask questions about intellectual topics and interests beyond the superficial?

Having used "e-mail" sites extensively, I find many women with attractive photos, who, by their profiles and interests seem like they would be very good matches for me---completely ignore my emails, even if they are very "well-crafted" emails ... and I see these same women on the same sites, still active, years and years later.

Also ... I hate to open a can-of-worms on this one, but if they are not calling you back after 2-5 dates, and say you were "too serious" or "too conservative"---is that code for, "didn't observe the 3-date rule?" I am certainly not suggesting that you should, if you don't want to---but again, are you seeking guys who want to have sex in an exclusive, long-term relationship, or guys who sign up for online dating to meet strangers and "see where it goes" only to quickly lose patience? "Conservative" is a pretty-loaded term in a dating context .... and "serious" is often used as opposed to "fun" which is itself a loaded term in the context of, "looking just to have fun for now ..."

All just food for thought ... You can definitely experience "failure" in online dating through no fault of your own, but I'd also consider the possibility of taking a look at your "screening process."
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #9  August 15,2011, 11:35am
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JoyfullJenn wrote :
I have been doing online dating for 5 years now, and have not found anyone. I have used Eharmony, Match, and a couple other less known sites. The problem is that almost all my dates (I average 2 guys a week) do not call me back after 2-5 dates or phone conversations. Sometimes we will meet without talking on the phone.

Over these years I have noticed a pattern where my dates will go exceptionally well. Most of the time, the dates last at least 5 hours and the conversation and chemistry are great. The guys usually compliment me on many different aspects. I nearly always go home truly believing that I will be seeing the guy many more times. But alas, the trend continues where I do not hear from my suitors again after a few more dates.

My friends would sign up for Eharmony or Match and end up in relationships with the 2nd or 3rd person they met. Why not me?For the longest time I had no clue as to why my dates were falling off the planet. I am 27 years old, optimistic, well-spoken, fit, have a great job as a high school English Teacher, and most men find me attractive. Nobody's perfect, but I think I have qualities that should have made me marketable to someone by now.

So, I decided to email a few of the guys who had recently fallen away from me. They all basically said that there was a disparity between my looks, my tone of voice, and personality. They would look at my pictures (which are very recent) and judge by my petite, youthful, and soft features. When I appeared in person, they were shocked by my serious, intellectual demeanor. In different words, they all made it clear that after a few dates, they decided I was way too serious and conservative for them.

Has anyone else had similar online experiences? Is it possible that online dating really does not work for some personality types? Should I remove my photos from my profile?

Damn, you sound perfect to me.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  August 15,2011, 11:38am
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perhaps you don't flirt enough so they don't think you're that interested?
 
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