CapricornGal is offline CapricornGal Post #1  August 13,2011, 1:10pm
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Ok, so I met this amazing guy online about 7 weeks ago. We immediately connected - amazing emails, great sense of humor/intelligence/personality, similar interests, good heart, etc. It was very exciting for me, yet admittedly a little scary, that I "finally" met a really good one. We communicated nearly every day - texts, calls, emails, IMs, etc. And, our few dates were great too. I was pretty confident after our last date that this could get serious with him...and that we'd be having the exclusive conversation very soon.

Well, last week I received an email from him that put a halt on everything. The summary of the story is that he & his ex-wife finalized their divorce in December - and he believed they drifted apart because of their inability to have children. Well, he found out in January that she was pregnant with another man's baby. This was hard for him to deal with...but he thought he came to terms with it. But, last week, he found out that she delivered the baby and he's an emotional wreck. He's mad that the unfaithful spouse got what she wanted (to be a mom) and the faithful one got nothing but anger and frustration.

So, in his email he said he needs to pull back and figure out what's going on with him. He needs some time to go tend to himself for awhile.

I'm not mad at him at all - but I'm of course upset that the situation exists. So UNFAIR! I respect him for being upfront with me and not disappearing off the face of the planet or continuing to date me while he was confused/angry/a wreck.

I've attempted to reach out to him - to check in / provide him support. But, I haven't heard back from him. And, I want to respect the space he needs now...

So, I guess I'm wondering...is there any chance he can recover from this? and in what kind of timeframe? maybe he tried dating before he was really ready? I really like him --- I've been searching for someone like him for a long time. I'd love to try to have a relationship with him when/if he's ready. But, I don't want to sit around waiting for him forever.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 13,2011, 1:56pm
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CapricornGal wrote :
Ok, so I met this amazing guy online about 7 weeks ago. We immediately connected - amazing emails, great sense of humor/intelligence/personality, similar interests, good heart, etc. It was very exciting for me, yet admittedly a little scary, that I "finally" met a really good one. We communicated nearly every day - texts, calls, emails, IMs, etc. And, our few dates were great too. I was pretty confident after our last date that this could get serious with him...and that we'd be having the exclusive conversation very soon.

Well, last week I received an email from him that put a halt on everything. The summary of the story is that he & his ex-wife finalized their divorce in December - and he believed they drifted apart because of their inability to have children. Well, he found out in January that she was pregnant with another man's baby. This was hard for him to deal with...but he thought he came to terms with it. But, last week, he found out that she delivered the baby and he's an emotional wreck. He's mad that the unfaithful spouse got what she wanted (to be a mom) and the faithful one got nothing but anger and frustration.

So, in his email he said he needs to pull back and figure out what's going on with him. He needs some time to go tend to himself for awhile.

I'm not mad at him at all - but I'm of course upset that the situation exists. So UNFAIR! I respect him for being upfront with me and not disappearing off the face of the planet or continuing to date me while he was confused/angry/a wreck.

I've attempted to reach out to him - to check in / provide him support. But, I haven't heard back from him. And, I want to respect the space he needs now...

So, I guess I'm wondering...is there any chance he can recover from this? and in what kind of timeframe? maybe he tried dating before he was really ready? I really like him --- I've been searching for someone like him for a long time. I'd love to try to have a relationship with him when/if he's ready. But, I don't want to sit around waiting for him forever.
he was (imo) definitely rebounding.

all i can tell you is what i would do in this sitch: respect his wishes and leave him absolutely 100% alone. date others and keep your mind off of him. i wouldnt tell myself that i need to "check in" and see how he is. just give him space all the way to china (assuming you dont live anywhere near china). when (if) he contacts, be happy to hear from him and dont dwell on his situation, but proceed with caution and continue to date others.

to keep it in perspective, you havent known each other very long, and you could easily change your mind about his being so perfect as time wears on. everyone has their best foot forward in the beginning.

all the best whatever you decide to do.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #3  August 13,2011, 2:04pm
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He is definitely not over his ex. Give him time to get that all figured out in his head.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #4  August 15,2011, 4:56am
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CapricornGal wrote :
Ok, so I met this amazing guy online about 7 weeks ago. We immediately connected - amazing emails, great sense of humor/intelligence/personality, similar interests, good heart, etc. It was very exciting for me, yet admittedly a little scary, that I "finally" met a really good one. We communicated nearly every day - texts, calls, emails, IMs, etc. And, our few dates were great too. I was pretty confident after our last date that this could get serious with him...and that we'd be having the exclusive conversation very soon.

Well, last week I received an email from him that put a halt on everything. The summary of the story is that he & his ex-wife finalized their divorce in December - and he believed they drifted apart because of their inability to have children. Well, he found out in January that she was pregnant with another man's baby. This was hard for him to deal with...but he thought he came to terms with it. But, last week, he found out that she delivered the baby and he's an emotional wreck. He's mad that the unfaithful spouse got what she wanted (to be a mom) and the faithful one got nothing but anger and frustration.

So, in his email he said he needs to pull back and figure out what's going on with him. He needs some time to go tend to himself for awhile.

I'm not mad at him at all - but I'm of course upset that the situation exists. So UNFAIR! I respect him for being upfront with me and not disappearing off the face of the planet or continuing to date me while he was confused/angry/a wreck.

I've attempted to reach out to him - to check in / provide him support. But, I haven't heard back from him. And, I want to respect the space he needs now...

So, I guess I'm wondering...is there any chance he can recover from this? and in what kind of timeframe? maybe he tried dating before he was really ready? I really like him --- I've been searching for someone like him for a long time. I'd love to try to have a relationship with him when/if he's ready. But, I don't want to sit around waiting for him forever.
seriously? you want a relationship with a man who you offered your support to and he ignored you? plus he emailed you all this "...last week I received an email from him that put a halt on everything. The summary of the story is that he & his ex-wife finalized their divorce in December - and he believed they drifted apart because of their inability to have children."

so let me get my head round this... you went on dates and during those dates he didn't inform you of all this? and you still want him?



"last week, he found out that she delivered the baby and he's an emotional wreck. He's mad that the unfaithful spouse got what she wanted (to be a mom) and the faithful one got nothing but anger and frustration. "

this man is totally baggage ridden and probably years away from being ready for a relationship. he sounds like a completely broken man. his wife (that's how he sees it) has just had a baby by someone else.

RUN!!!!
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  August 16,2011, 5:09pm
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CapricornGal wrote :
Ok, so I met this amazing guy online about 7 weeks ago. We immediately connected - amazing emails, great sense of humor/intelligence/personality, similar interests, good heart, etc. It was very exciting for me, yet admittedly a little scary, that I "finally" met a really good one. We communicated nearly every day - texts, calls, emails, IMs, etc. And, our few dates were great too.
This is because, for all intents and purposes, he was already in a relationship with you practically the minute he met you ...in so far as he was in a relationship with his wife before he met you. All you did, in his head, was replaced her.

Every rebound relationship I've ever seen or heard of, including the one I was involved in, are invariably described as 'perfect', 'amazing' or 'fated', etc - because they are. Rebounders need you to accept them, so they will - quite literally - become whoever they think you want them to be and do whatever they think you want them to do.

CapricornGal wrote :
So, I guess I'm wondering...is there any chance he can recover from this?
Yes, he will recover from this ...eventually.

...but nothing about that picture includes you. This is a dead stick as far as you are concerned. Why? ...because, he's never really been dating *you* to begin with. You were selected because you either have 1) similar characteristics and qualities to his ex-wife or 2) totally opposite characteristics and qualities to his ex-wife ...whichever one it is, those are what attract him to you ...not you.

CapricornGal wrote :
I've been searching for someone like him for a long time. I'd love to try to have a relationship with him when/if he's ready. But, I don't want to sit around waiting for him forever.
The only thing you will accomplish by waiting around for him to 'be ready' is you will be setting yourself up to be used over and over again for as long as you keep coming back for more.

You just gotta trust me on this ...this is not a situation you want to continue with. There ain't nothin' on that roller coaster ride but a whole lotta pain.
 
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ChainMan is offline ChainMan Post #6  August 16,2011, 5:14pm
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I am so sorry this happened to you. Give him some time. On his own, he will get over her.
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #7  August 16,2011, 6:52pm
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
snip
BikerBeagle wrote :
snip

Ok, you two might as well grab a sock and some rocks.

Cap.. how many has he been out with before you? If you are his first to date since the divorce I might tend to agree with them to an extent, just not so harshly.
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #8  August 16,2011, 7:14pm
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Personally, I think you're going to just grow old waiting for him to recover. Are you willing to wait THAT long? I'm not just talking a year or two or three, but longer than that. This man is completely devastated, and NO ONE recovers from that quickly. Might be upwards of 10+ years.

Imho, I suggest remaining friends if possible with him-he needs support, but as for a romance, I would keep looking. You'd have to wait for him to get past all the baggage to even SEE you waiting for him.



Suzie
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  August 16,2011, 7:28pm
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CapricornGal wrote :
So, I guess I'm wondering...is there any chance he can recover from this? and in what kind of timeframe? maybe he tried dating before he was really ready? I really like him --- I've been searching for someone like him for a long time. I'd love to try to have a relationship with him when/if he's ready. But, I don't want to sit around waiting for him forever.
1) Yes, he will recover.
2) Don't know the timeframe
3) Maybe...there's no guide book

I've never been the victim or the perpetrator of a "rebound". It bothers me he's so devastated about his wife and the child and the other man. That's certainly...not good.

If it were me...

I would tell him I wanted him if/when he felt he could do that. I would tell him not to be afraid to come back to me.

But in the meantime...

I would...explore other options, to the best of my ability...being careful not to subject anyone else to a "rebound" of my own.

And then I would let the chips fall where they may.

Good Luck to you.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; August 16,2011 at 7:31pm. Reason: ...let's not get carried away...10 years?...
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #10  August 16,2011, 7:42pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
1) Yes, he will recover.
2) Don't know the timeframe
3) Maybe...there's no guide book

I've never been the victim or the perpetrator of a "rebound". It bothers me he's so devastated about his wife and the child and the other man. That's certainly...not good.

If it were me...

I would tell him I wanted him if/when he felt he could do that. I would tell him not to be afraid to come back to me.

But in the meantime...

I would...explore other options, to the best of my ability...being careful not to subject anyone else to a "rebound" of my own.

And then I would let the chips fall where they may.

Good Luck to you.

j8a
I've been on the receiving end of men like these, so, yes, I'm speaking from experience. And as for 10 years- that was actually my optimism-some men never get over things such as this.


Suzie
 
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