Diamonds735 is offline Diamonds735 Post #1  March 23,2011, 1:55pm
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Hi,

I was wondering my fiance (who asked me to marry him) we just recently broke up, like yesterday. Now I need to know is this situation my fault(which means in my terms should I go back and apologize to him) or should I stick to my decision of what I stated to him.
I stated to Michael, that I wanted him to communicate with me more, and that I do not like to be alone. I would email him from lunch, and call when I get home, because he stated that he did not know what time I get home. Afterward the conversation would get shorter each time, so I would email him , and the emails would be brief. So I began to think he did not want to be bothered.
So I informed him that I did not like being alone, and I need more of him to communicate with me more, and talk to me more. I wanted to learn more about him. I also informed him that I waited up for him until 1a because he told me that he was going to call me back after dinner so I waited. Well that did not go well with him. He informed me that he was not going to be at my beck and call, and that if that is what I wanted then he suggested that I find someone else. He also stated that that is not what a relationship is about. He also informed me that if that is what I wanted then I should look elsewhere for a relationship. I think it is because he has met someone else and was trying to find a reason to break up, but never could earlier in the relationship. Do you think I was wrong is discontinuing the relationship with him?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  March 23,2011, 1:58pm
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how old are you and how long have you been dating?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #3  March 23,2011, 2:28pm
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Diamonds735 wrote :
Hi,

I was wondering my fiance (who asked me to marry him) we just recently broke up, like yesterday. Now I need to know is this situation my fault(which means in my terms should I go back and apologize to him) or should I stick to my decision of what I stated to him.
I stated to Michael, that I wanted him to communicate with me more, and that I do not like to be alone. I would email him from lunch, and call when I get home, because he stated that he did not know what time I get home. Afterward the conversation would get shorter each time, so I would email him , and the emails would be brief. So I began to think he did not want to be bothered.
So I informed him that I did not like being alone, and I need more of him to communicate with me more, and talk to me more. I wanted to learn more about him. I also informed him that I waited up for him until 1a because he told me that he was going to call me back after dinner so I waited. Well that did not go well with him. He informed me that he was not going to be at my beck and call, and that if that is what I wanted then he suggested that I find someone else. He also stated that that is not what a relationship is about. He also informed me that if that is what I wanted then I should look elsewhere for a relationship. I think it is because he has met someone else and was trying to find a reason to break up, but never could earlier in the relationship. Do you think I was wrong is discontinuing the relationship with him?
this is your fiance?
How long was he leaving you alone??
you mean like days..or weeks at a time??
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  March 23,2011, 3:15pm
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I wouldn't say you are "wrong," but certainly of different preferances in what you're looking for.

Best to find such things out sooner than later.

I would not apologize for having expressed a personal attribute to a partner (that isn't wrong.)

I do not think it is wise to continue with this person.
 
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LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #5  March 23,2011, 6:37pm
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Someone who wants to marry you should want to be spending a lot of time with you and keeping in touch regularly (calls, texts, emails). You are not wrong in ending this relationship. Next!
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  March 23,2011, 10:38pm
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I think wanting to spend more time with someone and expressing that desire is a good thing. Expecting that they follow through with what you want, just because you want it, is not a good thing.

It sounds like once he proposed you demanded more than he was willing to give. But, instead of discussing this, both of your insisted that they were right and refused to budge.

I don't think he was seeing someone else, based on what you have posted. But, I do think he felt smothered.

You trying to fill every moment not spent at your work communicating with him seems a bit much to me. I mean, really, give him (and yourself) some room to breath. Were you expecting long conversations when you called immediately after you arrived home from work? When did you expect him to cook dinner and clean up? Or hang with his friends? Or maybe have a conversation with his parents? Or use the bathroom?

I'm not trying to criticize as to give you the other side of the equation. I've been there. I had someone who was interested in me (and we had gone out, sort of) call me as soon as I got home from work. Every day. It was annoying to say the least. They wanted to talk (about next to nothing) and I had things to do. Vacuuming, cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking care of my child, heck just sitting on the couch in front of the TV. People need time to decompress from work. And their commute home from work IS NOT decompression time.

Just think about his needs as well. He IS 50% of the couple.

PS - I do think things are salvageable. If you two are/were engaged you should do what you can to work through this problem.
Last edited by AndieIsMe; March 23,2011 at 10:43pm.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  March 24,2011, 2:28pm
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LongLocks wrote :
Someone who wants to marry you should want to be spending a lot of time with you and keeping in touch regularly (calls, texts, emails). You are not wrong in ending this relationship. Next!

A person should not confuse their personal preferance for style of communication with a judgment about their partner.

In fact, I have no interest in "keeping in touch regularly (calls, texts, emails)."

I prefer to communicate in person, and I wait as necessary until I am in person. I also do not accept disruptions during the workday unless the matter is critical (I also do not have time, and am often in meetings where it would be unacceptable.)

Also, a healthy potential spouse should not be so clingy and insecure as to need such communication.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #8  March 24,2011, 2:51pm
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I assume you weren't living together or seeing each other every day. How often did you see each other?

I feel your pain, after I got engaged my fiance got really distant, then got really mean until I was the one who ended it.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  March 24,2011, 4:26pm
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Diamonds735 wrote :
Hi,

I was wondering my fiance (who asked me to marry him) we just recently broke up, like yesterday. Now I need to know is this situation my fault(which means in my terms should I go back and apologize to him) or should I stick to my decision of what I stated to him.
I stated to Michael, that I wanted him to communicate with me more, and that I do not like to be alone. I would email him from lunch, and call when I get home, because he stated that he did not know what time I get home. Afterward the conversation would get shorter each time, so I would email him , and the emails would be brief. So I began to think he did not want to be bothered.
So I informed him that I did not like being alone, and I need more of him to communicate with me more, and talk to me more. I wanted to learn more about him. I also informed him that I waited up for him until 1a because he told me that he was going to call me back after dinner so I waited. Well that did not go well with him. He informed me that he was not going to be at my beck and call, and that if that is what I wanted then he suggested that I find someone else. He also stated that that is not what a relationship is about. He also informed me that if that is what I wanted then I should look elsewhere for a relationship. I think it is because he has met someone else and was trying to find a reason to break up, but never could earlier in the relationship. Do you think I was wrong is discontinuing the relationship with him?
Add the word "suffocating" to the list of things you are doing to him.

you should relax and why is a phone call that important that you would wait up until 1am? you are being utterly paranoid (based on what I have read) and extremely needy. paranoid that he isn't always satisfying your communication needs and thus believing he has another woman. The surest way to drive a man into seeking another woman is the way you're acting.

You're doing all the chasing. Back off, do your own things even if it's watching TV and thus let him chase you a little. If you give him a little space then he will have time to breathe and want to ring you/text you rather than do those things because he feels pressured/obligated.

Based on what I have read I see nothing to suggest he doesn't want to be with you - the issue is that you are putting to many demands on his time and making him stressed out.

I would suggest you just say "sorry I went a bit over the top - it's just that I missed you yesterday and was looking forward to a nice chat on the phone 'cos I love the sound of your voice"

Ease off on always expecting instant gratification - sometimes a text may never arrive - sometimes he might be busy. It's not your right to own someone just because you are in a relationship. Part of respecting someone is listening to them - listen to what he said and what he tells you.

I also suggest a better tactic on that day was to offer to make him a meal and invite him over - you could have texted him an invite saying "I'll cook tonight if you'd like to come over I'd love your company."

bullying someone into being more responsive or giving you more of their time wont work but trying to make things work by being kind and complimentary should do.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; March 24,2011 at 4:32pm.
 
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Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #10  March 26,2011, 3:46pm
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Hi right back attcha sis!

My mother used to tell me that when a relationship ends it is never just one person’s fault. See, that’s why they are called relationships, because there is always more than just one side to the story.

Yes you can fix this, but my question is do you really want to?

He is probably interpreting your constant need for communication as lack of trust. You probably feel the need for constant communication because of insecurity. See what I’m saying? There is fault on both sides. If you love someone then you should want to be with them and communicate with them as much as possible. If you love someone you should also trust them and not have to constantly check up on them.

You are a woman so you know that people say junk when they are hurt and don’t really mean it! Yeah, he went nuclear on you, but if you still want him he is still yours - - just give his reactor some time to cool down, but don’t wait to long to say you are sorry and you were wrong! If getting back together is what you want to do you’ve got a real heart to heart convo in your near future and a heck of a lot of work ahead of you.

Best of luck
 
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