Feel like I have put myself between a rock and a hard spot


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ann1234 is offline ann1234 Post #1  January 5,2011, 9:09am
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I posted a post the other day "Am I not that into him or am I afraid to love again" Well Saturday he was taken to the hospital becuase of his heart. He has a severe heart problem that I was not aware of. He was born with a tumor on his heart. He had to have part of his heart removed. The doctors said he would not live past the age of 10. He is now 33. He almost died. He coded three times. He had angioplasty done and stents put in. He is doing better and came home yesterday. The doctors said if it happens again he will not live. The last time it happened was two years ago.

His family was great keeping up to date on his condition. They asked what are relationship was. I told them we were still trying to figure that one out and that I care about him greatly and he has become my best friend. And his heart condition would not factor into our relationship. They asked me if I knew he was in love with me. I told them he had never told me, but I thought he might be. He told me later that I am the reason he kept fighting and did not give up.

We had agreed last week to see each other and other people and see what happens. I am not ready for what he wants which is to get married and have a family. After everything happened, I realized my feelings ran deeper and maybe I should give it a real chance. Now I don't know. Part of me thinks I let my emotions get the best of me and not what I truly feel. The other part of me thinks it is because I am scared knowing he may not be here in five years. And I let the walls start to come down and now I am putting them back up. Also, I am feeling pressure because from his family. His brother told me he knows are relationship is more than I will admit. His entire family wants to meet me.

I have not seen him yet. He is not ready to see me. He wants to be stronger and doesn't want me to see him so weak. I have respected his wishes. We have talked every day.

He tells me he has something important to tell me when he sees me. I think he is going to tell me he loves me. I don't know what to say. Yes, I love him but I am not in love with him. I don't know if I ever will be and I don't want to waste his time. Especially, if he doesn't have much left. But it I take that into consideration I am factoring in his heart condition which I said I wouldn't. I told him when we do see each other we do have to talk about us, but now I don't know what to say, because I don't know what I want. My family tells me not to label it and just see where things go.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  January 5,2011, 9:28am
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ann1234 wrote :
I posted a post the other day "Am I not that into him or am I afraid to love again" Well Saturday he was taken to the hospital becuase of his heart. He has a severe heart problem that I was not aware of. He was born with a tumor on his heart. He had to have part of his heart removed. The doctors said he would not live past the age of 10. He is now 33. He almost died. He coded three times. He had angioplasty done and stents put in. He is doing better and came home yesterday. The doctors said if it happens again he will not live. The last time it happened was two years ago.

His family was great keeping up to date on his condition. They asked what are relationship was. I told them we were still trying to figure that one out and that I care about him greatly and he has become my best friend. And his heart condition would not factor into our relationship. They asked me if I knew he was in love with me. I told them he had never told me, but I thought he might be. He told me later that I am the reason he kept fighting and did not give up.

We had agreed last week to see each other and other people and see what happens. I am not ready for what he wants which is to get married and have a family. After everything happened, I realized my feelings ran deeper and maybe I should give it a real chance. Now I don't know. Part of me thinks I let my emotions get the best of me and not what I truly feel. The other part of me thinks it is because I am scared knowing he may not be here in five years. And I let the walls start to come down and now I am putting them back up. Also, I am feeling pressure because from his family. His brother told me he knows are relationship is more than I will admit. His entire family wants to meet me.

I have not seen him yet. He is not ready to see me. He wants to be stronger and doesn't want me to see him so weak. I have respected his wishes. We have talked every day.

He tells me he has something important to tell me when he sees me. I think he is going to tell me he loves me. I don't know what to say. Yes, I love him but I am not in love with him. I don't know if I ever will be and I don't want to waste his time. Especially, if he doesn't have much left. But it I take that into consideration I am factoring in his heart condition which I said I wouldn't. I told him when we do see each other we do have to talk about us, but now I don't know what to say, because I don't know what I want. My family tells me not to label it and just see where things go.
Ok..
What I got from your post is that you both had agreed to see other people, before this latest event...is that correct?
It's tough, I'd imagine, to separate the tremendous sympathy factor regarding his latest condition, and your true feelings..before this happened.

But, if I truly loved someone, and this had happened to me, I wouldn't want them just feeling sorry for me...I'd want them to be with me because they loved me.

Sounds like the family is pressuring you in a sort of left handed way, also, to be at his bedside through all this.
I don't think that's fair. I think they should stay the heck out of it, myself. Far out of it.
They should respect both his and your privacy regarding your "relationship", IMO.

Bottom line is you need to be honest with not only him, but yourself.
Yeah, be there for him now, there's nothing wrong with that.
But don't take it any further than what a very good friend would do, at least until he gets out of the hospital.
Last edited by TheThinker; January 5,2011 at 9:32am.
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #3  January 5,2011, 9:46am
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Ann,

I'm not familiar with the back story - The_Thinker suggested that the both of you had wanted to see other people before this happened?

My late wife was born with a birth defect. The doctors told her mother that she wouldn't make it to be 1 year old... then she wouldn't make it to be 6... then she wouldn't make it to be 12... but she made it! She made it until 4 months before her 31st birthday. So there's a chance your guy could make it!

Having said that, you need to have some serious thoughts about this. It sounds like you are not ready to be with this guy - you're still at the "friends" stage but he wants more. And his family is being extremely disrespectful towards you by pressuring you like they are.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would pretend that the whole hospital event did not happen - pretend that right now, you two are in a restaurant and he is completely healthy, and he told you he loves you.

Is your very first first gut reaction to tell him no?

Or is your very first gut reaction to tell him you love him back?

If your first gut reaction in the restaurant scenario is to tell him no, then you need to separate yourself from this situation. It will be extremely difficult but it's something you have to do.

You have to look out for YOU first and foremost - not him.

I wish you luck with this.

Peace,
-Sp
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #4  January 5,2011, 9:53am
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This is a tough situation, I can see it's very emotional on both sides. Sorry you are both in that position.

I think at this point, it's good to be supportive and be there for him but tell him it's best to take it one step at a time. Your relationship was not fully defined before his heart incident so I don't think you should change that now (unless you strongly feel you want to commit). I don't think this is the time to pull out or to make commitments if you are unsure. Just take it one step at a time and be supportive. I think that's all you can do.
I would ignore the pressure from from family, if they ask I'd say we care for each other and are taking it one step at a time.

At the end of the day you need to do what is right for you and what is right for him. Only time will show what exactly that is.
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #5  January 5,2011, 10:16am
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curiousgirl123 wrote :
I don't think this is the time to pull out or to make commitments if you are unsure. Just take it one step at a time and be supportive. I think that's all you can do.
^^^^ This ^^^^
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #6  January 5,2011, 10:44am
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You describe his family as acting as if you are their daughter-in-law-to-be. They must know you two are just dating? And recently agreed to see others?

Some of this sounds quite disjointed..........his family asking you if his heart condition would factor in to "the relationship"? Do they think you are his wife / girlfriend ?...........sounds very odd.

He wants to start a family , but "will certainly die" if he has another cardiac event ?........In the other post you just wanted to be friends.

First it would be wise to separate your feelings from some of the family interpretation of all this. If you just want to be friends with the guy, just say so and be that.
ann1234 wrote :
I posted a post the other day "Am I not that into him or am I afraid to love again"

He is now 33. He almost died. He coded three times. He had angioplasty done and stents put in. He is doing better and came home yesterday. The doctors said if it happens again he will not live. The last time it happened was two years ago.

I care about him greatly and he has become my best friend. And his heart condition would not factor into our relationship.

We had agreed last week to see each other and other people and see what happens. I am not ready for what he wants which is to get married and have a family.
 
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