lonboys is offline lonboys Post #1  January 4,2011, 10:57pm
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I have been in a relationship for 10+ years, we are pretty much committed but not sure at this it will ever evolve into anything more. We are both in our early 50's. I have been married once and have grown children. He has a preteen son and has told him that he was going to marry me. Recently noticed him chatting on line and after several times ask him why he is downsizing chat when I walk in. His only reply is that I would just get mad. Obviously he was hiding something. We argued about it and I finally told him that we should go our seperate ways, he stated that I was throwing away ten years because of a computer, but offered no explanation as to who he was chatting with, only he was sorry. I know deep down that there is a trust issue and have been in a relationship before where he was very controlling and know it can never work. Guess I am wanting to know if I am over reacting or if after all this time am right in knowing that this will never last. any advice would be appreciated.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  January 5,2011, 4:05am
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Do you live together?.......These issues seem to go way beyond hiding chatting activities, that's just a symptom. Throwing the "separates ways" ultimatum at him won't make him be forthcoming.

Sounds like you are in a relationship of convenience and he has his playtime on the computer, and you are equally dissatisfied.......

He has no incentive to stop the cat-and-mouse games if you are complacently living together , he can have his chats and you.........Do you really want to spend anymore time in a neither here nor there situation?
lonboys wrote :
I have been in a relationship for 10+ years, we are pretty much committed but not sure at this it will ever evolve into anything more. We are both in our early 50's. Recently noticed him chatting on line and after several times ask him why he is downsizing chat when I walk in. His only reply is that I would just get mad. We argued about it and I finally told him that we should go our separate ways, he stated that I was throwing away ten years because of a computer,
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  January 5,2011, 3:18pm
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There is no such thing as "pretty much committed." It's like being pregnant. You either are or you aren't.

Personally, I spent 4 years waiting for a man to get around to making a real committment to me once upon a time and we weren't even living together. I wouldn't live with a man who wasn't willing to make a committment....not a sort-of committment, or a someday committment but a rock solid statement of intent with milestones and such.

And yes, if he's doing something on the computer (or with someone else) that he won't do in front of you - that's a big, red flag. Threatening to leave won't solve the problem. Figuring out the true nature of the relationship and being clear about what you each want (and are and aren't getting from the current situation) is the only way to address this.
 
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