When is the right time to reveal a handicap?


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Tom_Terrific is offline Tom_Terrific Post #1  January 2,2011, 10:18am
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I am widowed and was married only once for 32 years to my college sweetheart. Now I find myself having to start all over again. Not only does it feel strange trying to start up a new beginning, but I find my physical appearance to be a deal breaker for many women I meet. My mom had German measles during her pregnancy. I did some research and I could have been still born, blind or had a congenital anomaly. I was born with bilatteral club hands. I am charming, intelligent, funny, caring, sweet (these are not my words, but the words of women I have met), and they go on and on, but... and that's the end of it. Sometimes when I'm on a date and we're eating in a restaurant, they will be staring at my hands (I guess they are waiting for me to fling my steak across the room) while I am trying to engage them in eye contact and conversation. I will end up putting my hands under the table just to get them to look at me. Any idea how gross it is to try and eat sphagetti without a fork? I've had very few 2nd dates and even fewer beyond that. I never thought women could be so shallow, but it's true.
So in the world of online eitquette, when is the right time to spring this on someone. I tried before meeting, I tried surprising them with my winning smile and devilishly good looks (just kidding), with equally piss poor results. Any ideas?
By the way, I'm not self conscious of my appearance and not hung up on this turn of fortune. Most of the women I work with don't even see me that way and readily admit they accept me for who I am and what I stand for. Unfortunately, they are all married and I'm not interested in any type of relationship with them.
 
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SimplySterling is offline SimplySterling Post #2  January 3,2011, 7:29pm
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Before I go out with someone I haven't met before, I like to throw out a , "Anything else I should know about you before we meet?" question.

You could ask her, and then come up with something to the effect of, "Just a heads up, I have a congenital problem with my hands, I cope quite well with it and rarely think about it. I hope this won't be an issue for you, but I'll understand if it is, and I didn't want you to be surprised."

Honestly, I'd appreciate a heads up so I wasn't caught off guard. If it's someone who does mind, well, they aren't the type of people you want to waste your time with, right?
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #3  January 3,2011, 7:48pm
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Hi Tom_Terrific, welcome to the advice boards!

We actually have a group specifically for dating with disabilities:

Dating and Disabilities Group -eHarmony Advice

If you read some of the messages there you can see what some other disabled folks have done.

My late wife told me about her disability on our second e-mail if I remember correctly. In her case, she had a profound muscle disability that prevented her from using her legs. We found ways to work around that and it wasn't an issue for us.

You may also find the Widow / Widowers group helpful. We're all a friendly bunch there, and we help each other through the unique challenges that our status presents.

Widow / Widowers Group -eHarmony Advice

It's good to meet you, Tom. I'm looking forward to seeing your posts around the forums!

Peace,
-Sp
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #4  January 3,2011, 8:27pm
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This is an interesting question, Tom Terrific, as I was just reading the thread about "full body shots" to reveal your actual physical body shape and condition. Many of the posters felt "deceived" if a match didn't display "accurate" information about their body right up front on their profile. I don't think you have to point this out on your profile, but I would expect that you would mention this to your matches before a face to face meeting.
 
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