Move on permanantly?? Loooooong But please give advice


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Sarahmell is offline Sarahmell Post #1  December 30,2010, 4:21pm
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I was in a relationship with this guy for almost a year. In the beginning we got really close, really quickly. He had just been through a messy divorce and I was going through one. I have three kids and he has a son and we are both very focused on our families. We were always very open and honest with everything in our lives and I really enjoyed the relationship that we were developing. We even became close with each others children around month 6. We started talking about the future, of merging our families, getting married and living happily together. During month 7, things were a bit rocky but I thought that we recovered nicely and were doing fairly well in month 9. Around the end of that month, we had a rather large disagreement and in the heat of the moment I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore. I quickly realised my mistake and apologized to him the next day and asked if we could continue.

After that things were never the same. He became distant and went from making sure that he saw me every day and we kept in fairly constant contact to never coming over, always having something else to do and not talking very much. When I talked to him about it, his explanation was that he was mad about me "breaking up" with him and he was trying to get close to me again, but was having some trouble and to give him time.
So I gave him time. I tried not to crowd him and tried to let him deal with his anger that he has with me. But he got even more distant. After a month and only seeing him 3 or 4 times I asked if we were ever gonna get back to being happy together. He still maintains that he needs space and that he is still working on it, he loves me but he just doesn't see our relationship the same.

Finally, I am fed up. Every time I ask him to be together, its a fight. If we do get together, I am uncomfortable and he seems like he just wants to fight or leave. So we end it again. Over the next 6 weeks, we go back and forth between, being completely done and deciding that we want to work on it. Finally I ask him to decide if he wants to be together or move on. He drags the decision on for a week, he says that he just doesn't view us the same, but he loves me and that's why he can't decide. Finally, after 10 days I decide that I have been more than patient and I tell him that it is time for me to move on. He doesn't even answer my phone call, so I write him a good bye email. He writes me back 4 days later and says that he never wanted it to end this way, good bye and good luck. It's been 10 days since my email and we haven't talked.
I guess my question is, and I'm sure I know that answer, but do I move on? I mean totally move on. Forget about him? Open my mind to eventually dating other guys? Forget all the things that we talked about for our future? Or do I give him time to come around? Let him have space and in a few weeks or months approach him slowly again?
I am really broken up over this and I need advice!!!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  December 30,2010, 4:26pm
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I think it's best to leave.

I must admit I may well have ended things over "I don't want to see you anymore" as well. Still, he's backed too far away, for my taste.

I think 2 - 3 months is altogether too long to carry a hurt (2 - 3 days, maybe.)

So, even if this specific situation gets repaired, this is an attribute I don't think I'd commit to.
 
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Sarahmell is offline Sarahmell Post #3  December 30,2010, 4:39pm
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Sorry, I just want to add that he was still talking about moving in together last month and insisted on helping me move into my new house 3 weeks ago.......
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  December 30,2010, 4:45pm
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Your relationship ended at month 7. The rest is just things limping to a slow and painful death because the guy never had the guts to tell you so straight up. When you got into that big fight and told him that you don't want to see him anymore, it was the ticket out that he's been waiting for.

Open your own eyes - are your needs being met? No. When was the last time you were truly happy in this relationship? Can you even remember? I bet you need time to think about this one. At this point you are merely hanging onto a fantasy of what could be, but it's not what your reality is. Let go of the fantasy so you can move on a healthy and happy relationship with someone else. The sooner you close this chapter, the better you'll be off.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #5  December 30,2010, 4:54pm
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Sarahmell wrote :
I guess my question is, and I'm sure I know that answer, but do I move on? I mean totally move on.
Yes.

Sarahmell wrote :
Forget about him?
You never truly forget about someone you cared about. But try to put him out of your mind? Yes.

Sarahmell wrote :
Open my mind to eventually dating other guys?
Yes, but only when you feel you've healed and are ready.

Sarahmell wrote :
Forget all the things that we talked about for our future?
Yes. Those things died with the relationship.

Sarahmell wrote :
Or do I give him time to come around?
Don't waste your time. He barely came around in the last months. He's said goodbye. He's not coming around again.

He spent months dragging out the goodbye. His refusal to answer you or forgive you for so long was his way of checking out... to make you so fed up that you would be the one to leave so he didn't have to feel like the "bad guy." He succeeded.

Sarahmell wrote :
Let him have space and in a few weeks or months approach him slowly again?
I wouldn't. "Space" is just another word for break up. Holding out this hope will only delay your healing. Again: Don't waste your time. He barely came around in the last months. He's said goodbye. He's not coming around again.

Sarahmell wrote :
I am really broken up over this and I need advice!!!
I'm sorry you're hurting! Hopefully you will learn some lessons from this experience. The first should be to choose your words more carefully when you are angry so you don't say things you may regret. Learn not to spout hurtful things "in the heat of the moment." Once said, words cannot be unsaid and can cause lasting damage.
 
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Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #6  December 30,2010, 7:23pm
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Sarahmell wrote :
Finally, after 10 days I decide that I have been more than patient and I tell him that it is time for me to move on. He doesn't even answer my phone call, so I write him a good bye email. He writes me back 4 days later and says that he never wanted it to end this way, good bye and good luck. It's been 10 days since my email and we haven't talked.
I guess my question is, and I'm sure I know that answer, but do I move on? I mean totally move on. Forget about him? Open my mind to eventually dating other guys? Forget all the things that we talked about for our future? Or do I give him time to come around? Let him have space and in a few weeks or months approach him slowly again?
I am really broken up over this and I need advice!!!
You've gotten some very good insight and perspective here, but just remember to make your final decision on your own. (We've had a couple of people come back and say they should have decided on their own and not be influenced by "strangers".)

If you did happen to decide to speak again (which might give you both some closure at the very least, since it sounds like your breakup occurred entirely via email (not good)) and pick things back up, maybe you should both consider couples counseling to improve your communication style and understanding of each other.
Last edited by Getting_There; December 30,2010 at 7:24pm. Reason: typo
 
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Sarahmell is offline Sarahmell Post #7  January 3,2011, 6:47pm
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Thank you all for the advice and your views on how things went down. I have decided that I won't be in contact with him again. Yes, it would be really nice to have some closure, but I don't think that would be the result of another conversation. He is so closed off to me that I'm not even sure that he would answer.
I have realised over the past little while that there were so many red flags and issues that should have made me walk away closer to the 2 or 3 month mark. I regret that I didn't. I am not going to allow myself to do anything more that I will regret.
I feel very angry and hurt by everything that happened in the 6 weeks before the breakup, about the cold email that he sent me and the fact that I haven't heard anything from him since. I really want to send a angry hurtful email to him, but I wont. Right now, and maybe for quite a while, I am just going to focus on moving on and trying to mend my heart and my life. I really hope that I can stop myself from closing off and being opposed to finding someone who I can be truly happy with.

Again, thank you all!

S
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  January 4,2011, 4:34am
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Two people on the rebound..........this happens. People are in break up or divorce mode which is a factor in unstable on-again-off-again rebound relationships.

They get into the habit of saying "good-bye and good luck!" because they are reliving the ending of that relationship constantly. Not focusing on a new relationship.

People want an instant "relationship" in a misguided attempt to "move on".........often totally unaware that they are still in "end-it mode". Imagine how many times the "I'm leaving!!! It's over!!" drama has taken place before and right up through the divorce / break-up.............it becomes a default bad habit / reaction to any relationship issue.

Also people are so raw and unready, just about anything pushes buttons or pours salt in wounds.......... relationship / getting along issues in particular.....

Agree with other posts.........this rebound relationship has run it's course......they all do.........now perhaps you can move on
Sarahmell wrote :
He had just been through a messy divorce and I was going through one.

He writes me back 4 days later and says that he never wanted it to end this way, good bye and good luck.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #9  January 4,2011, 5:02am
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Sarahmell wrote :
it would be really nice to have some closure, but I don't think that would be the result of another conversation
You are correct, another converstation or communication of any type, would not give you closure..

Closure can only come from within..

When a relationship ends because someone is not given what you need. They still won't be able to give you what you need to begin to heel.

We don't count on someone to makes us happy while in a rely, don't count on someone to make you feel better when it ends, only you can do that.

wrote :
I really want to send a angry hurtful email to him, but I wont.
You should write it, but don't send it. file it away, and then for a short period - read it when you're feeling down or angry. Eventually you won't need or want to read it any longer, because you've gained your closure..
Last edited by TrekRyder10; January 4,2011 at 5:12am.
 
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Sarahmell is offline Sarahmell Post #10  January 5,2011, 1:52pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Two people on the rebound..........this happens. People are in break up or divorce mode which is a factor in unstable on-again-off-again rebound relationships.

They get into the habit of saying "good-bye and good luck!" because they are reliving the ending of that relationship constantly. Not focusing on a new relationship.

People want an instant "relationship" in a misguided attempt to "move on".........often totally unaware that they are still in "end-it mode". Imagine how many times the "I'm leaving!!! It's over!!" drama has taken place before and right up through the divorce / break-up.............it becomes a default bad habit / reaction to any relationship issue.

Also people are so raw and unready, just about anything pushes buttons or pours salt in wounds.......... relationship / getting along issues in particular.....

Agree with other posts.........this rebound relationship has run it's course......they all do.........now perhaps you can move on
Wow. I had really never thought of the relationship like this.
I had dated a few guys between him and my ex husband, but nothing serious. I knew before we started dating that I shouldn't get involved with anyone. I had all these rules and plans, that I wanted to follow, keeping myself and children separate from any future relationships. I ignored all of it for him. I'm not saying that he is to blame for my choices, as I made them all on my own account. Just being around him I wanted to make him part of my life.
I made a lot of huge mistakes, as did he. Time to move on.

But how do I prevent myself from making these same mistakes and treating any future relationships like rebound relationships????

Honestly, I am more heartbroken over the loss of this relationship than I was over the loss of my 13 year marriage. I just want to heal and move on so badly.
 
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