Unavailable (?) and on eHarmony


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Anthurium is offline Anthurium Post #1  December 28,2010, 8:52pm
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I recently met my first eHarmony match. He was attractive, easy to talk to, polite, generous, complimentary, funny - in short many things that I'm looking for. We saw each other four times over a couple of weeks, culminating in a dinner he cooked for me, dip in the hot tub, and a night of intimacy. Things were comfortable in the morning - ate, read the paper, talked about the next week (he would have his daughter). I went home, turned matches to off and let my other new friends know that I was going to concentrate on this fellow.

BTW, I'm not one to date around and both of us had infidelity on our can't stand lists, so while we had not discussed exclusivity, it was definitely on my list of topics for the next conversation.

After a week and a half of unanswered texts, emails and calls, he finally emailed to say that his ex GF had brought him a Christmas present, wanted to get back together and even though he has a really bad track record with her, he's going to give it another shot. AND, if it's OK, he'd like to send the gift he'd gotten for me. He seems to still be on eHarmony, hasn't closed our match and apparently reviewed my profile after I left that morning.

So, my heart was bruised yet again (even better, it's a frequent Christmas season tradition in my house). I really thought this guy could be it.

His "who influenced you the most" response held a clue. He said as an adult it was a girlfriend he lost through inaction. I interpreted that as meaning he'd learned from the experience and was ready for a new relationship that would have his whole attention and devotion, not that he still had feelings for someone else.

I'm a bit angry that I was being the nice new GF, understanding his need for family time, carefully contemplating the proper gift for a really special but really new friend, not appearing on the doorstep unexpectedly etc., while Miss Bad Track Record sashayed back into his life.

I know eHarmony doesn't accept everyone, but is there any screening for how "available" someone really is?

Any insight to his behavior? Is this likely to be a last gasp attempt at something that hasn't worked in the past? I did quote the "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" thing - it's certainly been true in my really bad relationships.

Do I accept his gift? I did put off getting anything to him, although I had some good ideas. I've now been out of town for a week and have composed myself. Should I ask him to meet in a "safe" place like a coffee shop to give it to me?

Thanks for anything you can add to my deliberations. I'm not devastated, just badly disappointed.
Last edited by Anthurium; December 28,2010 at 9:15pm.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  December 28,2010, 10:13pm
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Ohhh. What a disappointment for you. Sorry that happened.

Without knowing the guy I can't say anything useful to you about why he did this. Could be anything from he's some kind of player to he's sincere and meant well but she just popped up again, at a bad time for you, and he couldn't say No.

I wouldn't meet with him again. And I wouldn't accept the gift. Because ... the best thing for you right now is to get over this so you can move forward. Staying in contact just will delay your progress.

If you would be willing to see him again if he definitively broke up with the ex, you could tell him that. But only if you're capable of leaving him behind, and not waiting and hoping.

Good luck ... and welcome to EHA.
 
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frogprince is offline frogprince Post #3  December 28,2010, 10:18pm
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Sorry this happened to you. If what he told you is true there is no way you or eharmony could predict it.

If it were me, I wouldn't meet to accept the gift but really it comes down to how you feel about the situation.
 
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Beachedgenie is offline Beachedgenie Post #4  December 29,2010, 12:58am
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Hate to say it, but he got what he wanted with the "night of intimacy" and tried to 'poof' but couldn't because of your texts, so he came up with some lame story to get you to leave him alone.
He's a user and a jerk, you are better off cutting all contact/ties. .
 
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szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #5  December 29,2010, 2:03am
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The mistake was assuming you were the girlfriend after two weeks. That's kind of soon.

Don't accept the gift. It's his way of trying to keep you on the back burner just in case.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #6  December 29,2010, 6:18am
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Maybe i'm not as jaded as I thought I was.

Personally here, I find that this guy, is like many other people on EH. They *thought* they were available, gave it a shot, and their past came back to haunt them. They were presented with a choice. To move forward with the new person, or give history another chance. Unfortunately, almost always, history always wins. You can't compete against that.

He made his choice, and I think it was fair that he told you and not strung you along. However, I sympathize with you for being the "other person"

Yes, he really shouldn't have been looking when he truly wasn't ready to be with someone else, BUT, people don't know that from the onset. Maybe the ex reconsidered the breakup when she saw that he was more successful than she was in dating and didn't like that. Or maybe there was a more complicated reason.

Ultimately, it is NOT your fault. And you should not even go there. Let yourself heal.

As for the gift...maybe here, is where i'm jaded. Have him send it to you through the mail and THEN cut him off. It might be a good present
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #7  December 29,2010, 6:29am
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Beachedgenie wrote :
Hate to say it, but he got what he wanted with the "night of intimacy" and tried to 'poof' but couldn't because of your texts, so he came up with some lame story to get you to leave him alone.
He's a user and a jerk, you are better off cutting all contact/ties. .
szgorzelski wrote :
The mistake was assuming you were the girlfriend after two weeks. That's kind of soon.

Don't accept the gift. It's his way of trying to keep you on the back burner just in case.
What THEY said...

Sorry this happened to you OP...consider this a teachable moment, evaluate the situation for future reference...and move on.

Consider yourself fortunate that you got out of this relatively unscathed (give or take a few bumps and bruises to the ego)....it could have been much worse had this happened months into the relationship.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #8  December 29,2010, 6:33am
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Dafearon wrote :
r person"

As for the gift...maybe here, is where i'm jaded. Have him send it to you through the mail and THEN cut him off. It might be a good present
...SHAMELESS!!!!....(but something I might do...)

Hey....if not for anything else, I could hock the gift, buy myself a great outfit for New Year's Eve (or at least a few mojitos at his expense)...and paint the town red!!!!
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #9  December 29,2010, 6:38am
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I agree with Dafearon's post esp. on two points:

1) History is powerful...I've met a few good men in the last year who were just not ready to move on from semi-recent history. It's a bit disappointing but, as I have no desire to be an alternate or rebound, it's limited disappointment.

2) Presents are good. Ask him to drop it in the mail. Maybe I'm a little twisted, but delivering that message would provide me with enough amusement to get over any lingering upset.
 
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Anthurium is offline Anthurium Post #10  December 29,2010, 4:17pm
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Thanks all. I'm back at home now, emotions better in check. The gift had arrived: a silver key pendant. I assume initially meant to be the key to his heart. Which, yes, brings up questions of whether he's trying to keep me on a back burner or is a playa'. That seems a rather meaningful choice of gifts for a new friend.

In response to some of the advice offered: when IS it OK to sleep with a new love interest? I'm sure there's lots of variation in what happens. I'm single single (divorced 5 years, one serious relationship that I'm definitely over) with no children. As I said, I've never been one to date around, or at all promiscuous, but I am interested in what others think.
Last edited by Anthurium; December 29,2010 at 4:19pm. Reason: adding more thoughts
 
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