A bit confused and not sure where to go from here


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oshae is offline oshae Post #1  December 25,2010, 9:15pm
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A few months ago I met a girl online that I asked out a few times. I guess they weren't actually official dates but we went to a few movies together, hung out at her place a few times etc. I made a few attempts to get her out again for dinner/drinks etc. and after a couple failures due to her insanely busy friend/family schedule I made one final request and was told that she was only interested in friendship. I was fine with this and said so, even though at this point in my life I am interested in dating and not making female friends. So I turned the other way and went off in search of what I am looking for. We kept in touch a bit via texting but not very often and I pretty much forgot about the whole thing and went on with my business.

A few weeks later we happened to be at the same party together and we hung out for the majority of the night. When it was over she asked if I wanted to come to a bar with her and so we left together. We stayed for a bit and afterwards I was invited back to her place. We watched some TV on the couch and talked and when I felt it was time for me to get going I was invited to stay and further that I didn't have to sleep on the couch.

One thing led to another and we ended up kissing and touching but did not actually have sex or even get fully naked for that matter. We talked a bit and then fell asleep together. To most this would seem like a drunken sort of one night stand. However, the next morning we woke up and she wanted to hold hands, snuggle and kiss some more. I guess what I am trying to convey is that the whole night seemed very invited and very affectionate. I got a ride home and was on cloud nine for the rest of the day.

The problem now is that I do not know where I stand with this girl. Again due to this busy schedule she keeps there doesn't seem to be anywhere for me to fit in and I am worried that some of it might be excuses. Or is it just this busy time of year, I'm not sure. She made a point to call me one night after our encounter just to talk. But no matter what I have not had any chance to actually spend any time with her, yet we have kept in touch via text a fair bit. I don't know if I should just forget about the whole thing or if I should just talk to her to clear up the confusion that I have about how she feels about me and where I stand with her. I'm worried that she thinks I expect more from her now and that I want to have a serious relationship. I have this feeling she is not very experienced in the relationship arena so the very thought scares her and she is afraid that it will replace her life and friends etc. It seems as though she may have been single for a very long time in her life but always had family and a huge group of friends as her support.

I know how a one night stand feels and if this were the case I would know what to do. But it's tough to deny the feelings that I felt when we were together. I've had way too much time to think and it's starting to eat at me. I am definitely interested in her but I don't want to risk driving her away as I really do like her.
 
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Emeralreese is offline Emeralreese Post #2  December 25,2010, 10:36pm
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It is a busy time of year, but she is scared. At least that is what I think. Either that, or (I'm sorry, but...) she may be seeing someone seriously. She may actually be very interested in you, but in a serious relationship with someone hence her "busy with friends/family." I would ask her straight out what the deal is. Tell her how it's going to be. She's either interested in you or she's not. She either wants to be with you or she doesn't. She's either GOING to be with you or she's not. If not, the time for playing games is over as is the "friendship" until she decides that she wants to own up to her feelings. Sorry you have to go through this drama.
 
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Mirabell is offline Mirabell Post #3  December 25,2010, 10:43pm
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Oshae, to get the solution, you need to know your date better...her past relationships, lifestyle, where she stands in her carreer, priorities, maybe it's her age (too early to settle down), etc. Why not to try to talk to her sincerely and let her know (even if you already tried to before) what you are looking for and how do you feel about what happened and why do you like her... maybe she's just recovering after a painful break-up and scared to start something new and be hurt again? That's why she'd feel more comfortable and secure to be "just friends". I'd chose the same only for this reason OR just because I wasn't sure he's the right one for me... maybe she feels or thinks the same? If you'll get a feeling, it's the 1st reason, then you may assure her that she can count on you as a friend if she needs to talk, but you should try to move on and start dating someone else meanwhile... and then - see what happens... ) I wish you good luck and patience!
 
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Mirabell is offline Mirabell Post #4  December 25,2010, 10:46pm
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Oh, yeah! One more thing: when someone is really interested in you, even the busiest schedule will make it happen to find time to meet!! At least within a week or so... All the rest are just excuses...
 
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oshae is offline oshae Post #5  December 26,2010, 8:54am
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Thanks for the input and advice all. I thought it was worth mentioning that I am about 99% certain she is not seeing someone else. And also that I really don't think she has had many if any past relationships. I know this because I have gotten to know her fairly well. I should have mentioned that we happen to work within the same building and so I have visited her a few times and gone for lunch. We also text each other during the work day just to see how the other is doing. I felt this was worth mentioning to create a clearer picture of the situation.

If I have learnt anything however, it is that I must simply just talk to her and find out her feelings and intentions. I just don't want to come on too strongly and make her think what I want is some super serious relationship leading to marriage. What I really want is that special someone to take out to movies and events, to hold my hand and rest their head on my shoulder on the couch. Someone that can give me a hug when I need one, and someone that I can return all these same things to.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #6  December 26,2010, 4:40pm
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Seems like you know what to do. Be non-threatening and try to ask her what she thinks about you. If a few subtle questions don't get an answer, then don't be afraid to let her know that you would like to be more than friends if she is comfortable with that.
 
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oshae is offline oshae Post #7  December 26,2010, 5:16pm
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I'm pretty afraid I'm not going to get the answer I'm looking for. I was told once the interest was friendship only and I don't see why it would be any different if I broach the subject again. The only thing I have to go on is the intimate night we spent together.

My hope is that she might be ok with taking things slowly and not diving right into the relationship pool. I'm really not too sure if there is a grey area in there or what it would be called. I suppose the closest thing is friends with benefits, which is not want I want to be honest.

Since I don't think she has been in many if any relationships I wonder if she may be yearning for that type of human contact that we had the night I stayed over. I'm really not sure. Perhaps some more ladies could weigh in as to what would be going through a girl's mind to behave like this.

I would also be interested in hearing any "do say this" but "don't say this" type of advice. I already made the decision last week not to give her a very small and simple Christmas gift (candy) that I had picked up earlier in the week for fear of the message that it might send and not knowing what kind of reaction it might cause.
 
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Mirabell is offline Mirabell Post #8  December 26,2010, 11:48pm
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Why not to give her a small and simple present unless it's at the shape of a heart? ) It's just a friendly gesture for a Christmas/New Year. And if you're not sure/confident enough about "what's going on at her head" and what it'd be her reaction, why not to talk a little bit about it during a casual lunch or coffee? And if you're not sure if she had or not any relationships in the past, that's a good topic for "friends" some time later. She has to know your motives as well and what plans do you have towards her, it doesn't matter how many times you discussed that before and if she already mentioned "just friends"... Talk to her (not as a big serious "we need to talk" thing) and see her reactions if you should go on or not... maybe all your doubts will be gone. Some people change their mind about realtionship very quickly... or very often... Good luck!
Last edited by Mirabell; December 26,2010 at 11:51pm.
 
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oshae is offline oshae Post #9  December 27,2010, 7:23pm
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Well it would definitely seem like I am on this girl's mind. I haven't talked to her for a few days since I've been out of town and busy with Christmas. She texted me to see how I am doing and we chatted a bit. Other than her girlfriends I don't know of anyone else she fairly consistently contacts like this.
 
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oshae is offline oshae Post #10  January 2,2011, 9:16am
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So this busy holiday season has come and gone. And I have been keeping in touch with this girl via text and the odd phone call. I was out of town for New Years and she made sure to text me to ask how I was etc. I talked to her last night and we made plans to go to a movie or just hang out tonight.

I am looking forward to it but one thing that is on my mind is whether or not I should make a "move" on her. After all that has occurred from my original post and the time that has passed and all the uncertainty, should I try to hold her hand in the theater or give her a kiss goodnight? Should I ask her first if she is comfortable with that? This is the most difficult to read girl I have ever encountered.
 
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