cynthiajames is offline cynthiajames Post #21  January 3,2011, 3:39pm
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Hi there. I think you are asking the wrong question. Most mature people have a negative response to games, which is why everyone on this forum says, "don't play them". But "playing games" is an extreme response, because by definition it means being inauthentic or dishonest. Yet, while most people would agree that honesty is very important in a relationship, discretion is too. "Honesty" definitely doesn't mean sharing everything and anything which comes to your mind (like how handsome or hot the waiter/waitress is!).

Your question suggests that you are worried that you might be coming on too strong. If you are experiencing less than an enthusiastic response from men, you probably are. The thing to look at is: are you unrealistically enthused about new guys? If every relationship you got excited about worked out perfectly, the answer is no. If not, the answer may be "yes".

I have to admit that I don't find it attractive when a man says we are soulmates on the first or even third date. It's a little scary. However, once we've developed a relationship, if he tells me he thought that the first time we met - that's okay. Having talked to a lot of people about similar experiences, it seems that many of us feel pressure to reciprocate another person's feelings when they express them. Plus, we may feel they haven't seen any of our imperfections yet. So, it's usually more comfortable for the less-enthused person if feelings aren't expressed too strongly or suddenly right up front. It's not "playing games" to keep this to yourself for a while - especially once you've been through the cycle (a few times) of getting excited just to end up disappointed.

Another question is, what are the "nice things" you do? If it's leaving oatmeal cookies outside his apartment after having coffee, that might be seen as a form of stalking. If you clear your calendar to be available at his whim, that's going overboard. But if all you mean is that you are courteous and answer his calls and let him know you're having a great time when you're together, "he's just not into you" if he doesn't like that. One test of balance is this: for each overture he makes, do you only make one overture back? If so, that's fine. If you are sending five positive signals to his one, that's too much. If you are having trouble controlling your enthusiasm, add more things into your day or week which excite you that don't involve him. It can be easy to get carried away with the possibilities when meeting someone for the first time, but just remember there are a lot of things you still don't know about him...
Good luck!
cj
 
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