Rocchio is asking for help from the women on the boards! (there's a first time for everything)


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rocchio is offline rocchio Post #1  December 14,2010, 8:57pm
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OK, here’s some prelim information about the situation. About a year ago I met a woman in my exercise class (body-pump). She’s fun and engaging and from the start we seemed to hit it off in terms of our personalities. We laughed a lot and just had fun while at the class. We had our “spot” and would routinely set-up our equipment for each other if one arrived before the other. Then we exchanged phone numbers so we could text each other to let the other know we were at the class or would not be able to make it. After a few weeks I asked her if she felt like getting lunch. She explained that she had a boyfriend so it must be as friends. I never asked her out after that, but we became better friends and soon began socializing outside of the class (I am not “paying her way” when we do go out). We would meet for drinks now and again, sometimes with other friends, sometimes just us. I never made any advances or suggestions about dating, but I think she knew that, if I had my choice, I’d date her. I saw other women and felt no need to “pine away” for her affection (doing so, I felt, would be undignified). I’ve been invited to hang out with her at her home, and we enjoy talking and joking with each other. As with going out, sometimes it’s just us, sometimes with either my friends or her friends. I’ve actually gotten to be friends with a couple of her friends in the process. It’s a fun group.
Here’s my problem. About 6 weeks ago she breaks up with her boyfriend. She proceeds to go on a couple of dates here and there with some new guy but seems fairly uncommitted(I don’t ask her about the few dates she has been on—it’s none of my business, but sometimes she will volunteer information. She says he seems "pretty into" her but she does not want to “put all her eggs in one basket” (whatever that means--I did not ask for any elaboration). I just change the subject in a roundabout manner to something more fun. While I like hanging out with her, she has plenty of girlfriends to “dish” with). Well, last week she sends me a text and asks “whatchya doin?” She then asks if I want to come by and drink some wine and hang for a bit. Since this is not unusual (we hang out a few times a month at her place), I go on over to her house. We, as we typically do, have a fun conversation. While we normally sit on her porch (usually with one of her other friends as well), this time we stay inside and sit on the floor in front of her fire place. I’m not sure what the difference was, but she just seemed so much more relaxed. Her body posture gave off a certain vibe, and she seemed to hold eye-contact a bit longer. Now, she’s a very attractive woman, and she seemed even more attractive that night. We talked about male/female friendships and the assorted dynamics of such friendships. I told her that I never befriend a woman with whom I would not be satisfied simply being her friend if that is all it will ever be. It’s unhealthy for me and unfair to the woman. At some point in this conversation, she made a comment about her feet (I think she said something like “I like my feet”). I then made a comment and started to give her a foot massage which led to a back massage, which led to her clothes coming off, well-- one thing led to another and we became physical. We stopped short of having sex. I wanted to make sure our friendship was going to be ok, so at some point when we were kissing I asked her during all of this--“Now you’re not going to start acting weird on me after this, are you?” She said “don’t worry.” I went home an hour or so later. Everything seemed fine when I left.
So, I went about my usual routine. The next day I sent her a text and asked if she was in the mood to go to the gym and do the treadmill (something we do at least once or twice a week). She can’t go, and it goes like that for a few days. She usually responds to my text messages and now she starts taking forever. In essence, she IS acting weird on me. Today she agrees to meet at the gym and do some cardio on the elliptical machine. We always do it alone, but today she had a friend meet us as well (I knew her, so it was no big deal—just a bit odd to me). After we were done, she rushes out like the place was on fire, and I don’t even get a chance to chat. Again, this is not typical behavior.
OK, here’s my theory. I think she regrets the whole fireplace night because she is afraid that I’m going to think that she wants to date me or something. That I am going to make a bigger deal than it is. While I would date her (she’s wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful), as I told her in plain terms, I’m perfectly comfortable with the knowledge that we can only be friends. So, now here’s my question—if there is even an answer—why is she acting weird? I’ve already let off the hook—in advance! If she does not want to date, I’m cool with it, but I want to go back to it being the way it was since she does not want to date. What gives, Ladies? Any ideas? Should I just ignore everything and wait for it to blow over, or should I give her my assurances that I am fine with her not datinmg me. I'm afraid that all I did was make her feel uncomfortable. When my intention was that she not feel like she was going to have to face some awkward conversation from me about wanting to date her. Any advice worth giving out there?
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #2  December 14,2010, 10:07pm
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Now, this is just MY opinion... if I were her... I'd be feeling very... mmm... NOT special... if you know what I mean. It looks like she was throwing out hints (ie: eggs in one basket - meaning she wasn't that into him and was willing to see someone else (you?)) that she was interested in you as more than a friend and trying to feel out your interest level and you may have made her feel more like a FWB. But this is just MY take. (Not sure how you came up with her NOT wanting to date you...Did she come out and say this? Maybe she wasn't sure, now that she was single, if you were still interested in dating her, hence the hints...)

I am sure a dozen more people will come in here and analyze every detail to death and sound like Freud...

Anyway, she is probably feeling EXTREMELY awkward now and has no idea how to process what happened.

Are you still interested in dating her? DON'T assume anything... and I don't think ignoring is the best option, especially if you DO care about her. Maybe ask her to dinner and have a talk. Ask her how she felt about what happened, what she expected...

Sometimes when an intimate encounter occurs, the dynamic of the friendship is damaged and there is no going back. All you can do is try to start over.
Last edited by dazedconfuzed; December 14,2010 at 10:23pm. Reason: clarification
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  December 14,2010, 10:29pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Maybe it makes her feel 'powerful' or dramatic in a way to make a bigger deal of this than it is. That she likes to think she's just so desirable that you must really be crazy for her (despite what you actually told her). Frankly, from what you've written I think I'd stop even contacting her. She has your number if she wants to stop acting weird.

[Was this thread only for women's input? If so....that was jayjay's 'feminine side' talking. ]
 
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HardTruths is offline HardTruths Post #4  December 14,2010, 10:36pm
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I'm not a woman, but I don't really need to be to answer this question. It's pretty obvious.

Let me get this straight: There's a girl you're interested in that you've kind of been waiting out for her to drop her boyfriend. You went back to her place, got her naked and then you didn't have sex with her? Then you make comments about it being ok if she doesn't want to date you and you want to make sure your "friendship" is ok?

It's pretty simple. She either thinks:
  1. You're gay
  2. You only want her as a FWB
  3. You weren't attracted to her enough to have sex with her after the clothes came off
  4. She thinks you're uncomfortable with sex/a virgin.
None of these are good things if you're actually interested in this woman. You might have totally blown it here. If you wanted her, why didn't you just take her? She gave you your chance and you either permanently friendzoned yourself or offended her. Probably both.

If a woman takes off her clothes and basically "gives herself to you," then she's expecting you to take her if you want her or are attracted to her at all. If you don't, that tells her all she needs to know.
Last edited by HardTruths; December 14,2010 at 10:37pm. Reason: Formatting was funky
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #5  December 14,2010, 10:43pm
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HardTruths wrote :
I'm not a woman, but I don't really need to be to answer this question. It's pretty obvious.

Let me get this straight: There's a girl you're interested in that you've kind of been waiting out for her to drop her boyfriend. You went back to her place, got her naked and then you didn't have sex with her? Then you make comments about it being ok if she doesn't want to date you and you want to make sure your "friendship" is ok?

It's pretty simple. She either thinks:
  1. You're gay
  2. You only want her as a FWB
  3. You weren't attracted to her enough to have sex with her after the clothes came off
  4. She thinks you're uncomfortable with sex/a virgin.
None of these are good things if you're actually interested in this woman. You might have totally blown it here. If you wanted her, why didn't you just take her? She gave you your chance and you either permanently friendzoned yourself or offended her. Probably both.

If a woman takes off her clothes and basically "gives herself to you," then she's expecting you to take her if you want her or are attracted to her at all. If you don't, that tells her all she needs to know.
Jayjay. Hardtruths is more in touch with his feminine side right here.
But thanks for trying.

Good post.
 
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seeksoulmate is offline seeksoulmate Post #6  December 14,2010, 11:44pm
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Hi rocchio. What I got out of your post is that you care about her, want to take things to a different level, and respect her enough not to do anything that might jeopardize the relationship that the two of you already have. So talk about it with her, express to her that her reaction to the situation was exactly what you feared would happen. Awkwardness between the two of you. (Well, at least on her part.) And FWIW, next time- step it up some
 
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rocchio is offline rocchio Post #7  December 15,2010, 2:04am
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Jayjay, certianly not.I welcome your feminine side! You have already made me realize that putting the responsibility on myself in this thing is not my role! Why should I have to play psychiatrist in all this?
 
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rocchio is offline rocchio Post #8  December 15,2010, 2:10am
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HardTruths wrote :
I'm not a woman, but I don't really need to be to answer this question. It's pretty obvious.

Let me get this straight: There's a girl you're interested in that you've kind of been waiting out for her to drop her boyfriend. You went back to her place, got her naked and then you didn't have sex with her? Then you make comments about it being ok if she doesn't want to date you and you want to make sure your "friendship" is ok?

It's pretty simple. She either thinks:
  1. You're gay
  2. You only want her as a FWB
  3. You weren't attracted to her enough to have sex with her after the clothes came off
  4. She thinks you're uncomfortable with sex/a virgin.
None of these are good things if you're actually interested in this woman. You might have totally blown it here. If you wanted her, why didn't you just take her? She gave you your chance and you either permanently friendzoned yourself or offended her. Probably both.

If a woman takes off her clothes and basically "gives herself to you," then she's expecting you to take her if you want her or are attracted to her at all. If you don't, that tells her all she needs to know.
OK, there, Newb. You're new here, so I won't take offense. (Me? Gay? Now I've heard everything!)Firstly, none of those things are true. While I'll be the first to admit that I can be a total jerk to women (and I have got the voicemails to prove it!), I'm seldom intentionally insensitive. At some point she telegraphed her comfort level, and I did not push it. Capice, Friendo?
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #9  December 15,2010, 2:50am
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... is like a nice warm vibratey feeling all through your guttiwuts.

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Rocchio, I think jayjay nailed it. You clearly are comfortable with what you want. She isn't, or doesn't know, and is acting kooky. It's certainly not fair to you to have to figure out where her head is at.

ETA: I do think you should have boinked her though. :-)
Last edited by insertscreenname; December 15,2010 at 2:52am.
 
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rocchio is offline rocchio Post #10  December 15,2010, 2:57am
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dazedconfuzed wrote :
Now, this is just MY opinion... if I were her... I'd be feeling very... mmm... NOT special... if you know what I mean. It looks like she was throwing out hints (ie: eggs in one basket - meaning she wasn't that into him and was willing to see someone else (you?)) that she was interested in you as more than a friend and trying to feel out your interest level and you may have made her feel more like a FWB. But this is just MY take. (Not sure how you came up with her NOT wanting to date you...Did she come out and say this? Maybe she wasn't sure, now that she was single, if you were still interested in dating her, hence the hints...)

I am sure a dozen more people will come in here and analyze every detail to death and sound like Freud...

Anyway, she is probably feeling EXTREMELY awkward now and has no idea how to process what happened.

Are you still interested in dating her? DON'T assume anything... and I don't think ignoring is the best option, especially if you DO care about her. Maybe ask her to dinner and have a talk. Ask her how she felt about what happened, what she expected...

Sometimes when an intimate encounter occurs, the dynamic of the friendship is damaged and there is no going back. All you can do is try to start over.
I can't explain it, but I just "know" she's not that interested in dating me. I can “feel” that she is not. I would have found out from one of her friends by now--I run into them all the time. She's made reference to our "friendship" on many, many occasions. This is my “friend.” “I’m glad we are friends!” “Thanks for being my friend” etc, etc. Heck, I'm the one that wanted her from the get-go. Even when she was dating her boyfriend, I'd say things to remind her that I’m not her “girlfriend.” I sent enough hints that I was open to dating her in the past. Well, after awhile, I got used to the idea. In short, I accepted the idea of being in the “friend-zone.” She, in my opinion, had much to offer, and still does, that transcends an intimate relationship. She’s a good person.

Also, I’d like to say something I neglected to mention because it did not seem to have relevance. Back in the summer, one of her friends (not really one of her group, some old college roommate) picked-up on my more than platonic interest in my friend when we were all out. While she was somewhat annoying, and I’m not sure I’d like hanging out with her, I base an idea on the logic of the information presented rather than the” likeability” of the presenter. She took me to the side and gave me a dose of reality. She pointed out the attributes (money, looks, etc) of my friend’s then current boyfriend. Then she told me about my friend’s ex-husband (money, looks, etc). Then she pointed out the attributes of my friend (looks, success, etc). Finally, she looked me the eye and asked if I really thought my friend was in my league? She said, “Boyfriend or no boyfriend, do you really think that you have a shot with her?” Rather than get insulted, I chose to analyze the situation. Now, if I just wanted to “have her,” it would not have mattered much, for I’ve been with plenty of women who would not want to “date me.” By this time, however, I had become friends, and I liked her. This college roommate’s assessment, despite her disagreeable nature, made sense to me. I might wish it, but I’m just not the right guy for her, just like, for whatever reasons, there are women who are just not for me. It’s a fact and those who don’t accept that are doomed to failure in these matters.

I will, however, accept your advice. I’ll ask her to go out for a drink and smooth things over. I just tell her that I want to date her and ask for her thoughts. I guess part of me is, and I hate to admit this, does not want to hear an answer. If she says no, it confirms my suspicion that while she likes spending time with me and finds some level of physical attraction for me, she does not see me as “datable,” as her friend had pointed out. While I think this is the case, I don’t want to put her in the position of telling me this, and I don’t want to hear her say it. I’d rather just go back to what I had resigned the situation to. In fact, when I ask her, I’m inclined to ask for a simple yes or no answer with no qualification necessary. Then we can either start dating (which I don’t think will happen), or we can toast glasses and agree to go back to the way things were. Finito!
 
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