Boyfriend VS. the ex - confused!


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CanadianAngel is offline CanadianAngel Post #1  July 30,2010, 10:14am
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My BF and I have been together a lil' over 4 months. He's my first everything. I have low self-esteem, and because of that, I never think I'm good enough, pretty enough, and always being paranoid he's comparing me to his exes..despite the fact he tries to reassure me.

Back when we first started dating, paranoia got the best of me and I made a fake Facebook account to keep tabs on his ex. You know, like if she was saying stuff about trying to get him back or what not. I KNOW I was wrong in doing that, but what's done is done.

So getting to the real problem. Apparently she's been contacting him a lot. He doesn't tell me this stuff. He did slip up once and told me (2 weeks later) she did but that as soon as he heard her voice he "hung up on her". But I have a feeling there's been WAY more phone calls and conversation than he's letting on, and something must've happened because he got p!ssed enough to hack into her account and email and mess with her. This was on the same day he told me all he was doing was laying around watching tv waiting for me to get off work.

I'm just having a hard time trusting him right now. There seems to be a lot of drama with his ex he's NOT telling me. I think I have a right to know if she's bothering him. Am I wrong? I also think he's handling it completely wrong. If he wouldn't answer the phone to her, you'd think she'd give up. But as long as he's answering he's fueling the flame and she'll keep on calling. They musta had a heated argument for him to hack into her stuff. And I'm completely in the dark about ALL of this because he doesn't tell me anything, and the only reason I know is because of my fake account. After she got her account fixed she posted a lot of mean stuff about him - how he was mentally abusive, made her feel bad everyday, threatened to leave her if she did this or that, that he was controlling, etc.. I would normally ignore that kinda stuff but a few minor things she posted I knew for a fact were true because I've experienced them, for example not wanting me to wear certain things. So I don't know who or what to believe anymore.

I wanna talk to him about this, but there's no way I can without admitting my secretive role. Then instead of explaining, he'd turn it around how he can't trust ME anymore, and we wouldn't get anywhere. How should I handle this?
 
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Wonderwoman402 is online now Wonderwoman402 Post #2  July 30,2010, 10:36am
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Without trust you don't have a viable relationship.

Also, keep in mind the way he is treating his ex is the way he will eventually treat you.

Talking about this is not going to help. You already know you're going to get a bunch of half-truths and lies. Gather up the self esteem you do have, tell him you don't see this working out, and move on. That's all the explanation needed... don't go into the snooping (on your part) and sneaking/hacking (on his part). Just don't go there at all.

And work on building up your self esteem before entering into a new relationship. I don't know what your underlying issues are, but you may want to consider counseling. Just don't go continuing to blame "low self esteem" for continuing to make bad choices,which will make you feel worse and further lower your self esteem.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #3  July 30,2010, 10:43am
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whew...lot of drama going on here, on both sides.
So, you've admitted you're really insecure and paranoid with just about everything with yourself...

Meanwhile you're involved with a guy who's playing games with you, and going back & forth with his ex, and you're spying on him in the middle of this...

Does any of this sound the least bit healthy...to you??
Toxic doesn't even begin to describe what's going on here...

I'm going to cut to the chase and just suggest you get some counseling for self esteem issues that you have.
You can't fix him, but you may be able to help yourself.

I wish you the best.
Last edited by TheThinker; July 30,2010 at 10:47am.
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #4  July 30,2010, 10:51am

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TheThinker wrote :
whew...lot of drama going on here, on both sides.
So, you've admitted you're really insecure and paranoid with just about everything with yourself...

Meanwhile you're involved with a guy who's playing games with you, and going back & forth with his ex, and you're spying on him in the middle of this...

Does any of this sound the least bit healthy...to you??
Toxic doesn't even begin to describe what's going on here...

I'm going to cut to the chase and just suggest you get some counseling for self esteem issues that you have.
You can't fix him, but you may be able to help yourself.

I wish you the best.
I have to agree, if your not in an emotionally good place yourself you can't work towards a meaningful relationship.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #5  July 30,2010, 11:03am
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Before you can have a successful relationship with anyone, you need to take care of YOU.

Understanding that you have low self esteem, and all the issues that go with it, is a good and positive step towards being a healthier person in a better place emotionally.

My opinion, from what you have written, is that you need to work on your own issues before trying to establish a relationship with someone else. There are a plethora of self help books, womens groups, one on one therapy even on line support groups etc to help you grow up and become a strong mature woman instead of a whiny sounding kid.

No one else is in charge of you-and it is all up to you how your life goes from here. Take positive steps toward good mental and emotional development-take a year out of your young life and allow yourself some time to do these things-then start fresh looking for a man who is as mature as you are, instead of someone who has so little to offer you.

Best of luck-and please drop by here and tell us how things are going with you....there have been several young women who have made huge strides in developing who do check in here from time to time. "We" as a group didn't do anything but be supportive to them, but sometimes friends is what it takes.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  July 30,2010, 12:45pm
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Hi CanadianAngel ... You say you have "low self-esteem" like it's something you can't do anything about and you just have to live with the consequences. Which include unhappy relationships.

That's not how it is. Low self-esteem is a condition you can change. I hope you work on it ... if you do, you will find big improvements in all parts of your life, including relationships.

Here's a few things from your post that tell me you do have the beginnings of good self-esteem:
- you owned up here to what you did, creating the fake FB account to spy on your bf. People with good self-esteem don't hide or lie about what they do.
- you do not like what's going in your relationship. People with good self-esteem don't like drama, deceit, lies.
- you are asking for advice and help. People with good self-esteem are open to other people, and seek input.

So you have got the seeds of good self-esteem. If you work on it, it will develop. I hope you do work on it! You will have better relationships and a much happier life.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  July 30,2010, 2:59pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Hi CanadianAngel ... You say you have "low self-esteem" like it's something you can't do anything about and you just have to live with the consequences. Which include unhappy relationships.

That's not how it is. Low self-esteem is a condition you can change. I hope you work on it ... if you do, you will find big improvements in all parts of your life, including relationships.

Here's a few things from your post that tell me you do have the beginnings of good self-esteem:
- you owned up here to what you did, creating the fake FB account to spy on your bf. People with good self-esteem don't hide or lie about what they do.
- you do not like what's going in your relationship. People with good self-esteem don't like drama, deceit, lies.
- you are asking for advice and help. People with good self-esteem are open to other people, and seek input.

So you have got the seeds of good self-esteem. If you work on it, it will develop. I hope you do work on it! You will have better relationships and a much happier life.
Have to agree with the above - you have more strength and better self esteem than you give yourself credit for. You are recognizing that your bf is not someone who is good for you. You do understand and recognize the problems. This is definitely a toxic relationship for you to be in and if I were you I'd leave it. I think you do have the strength and the self esteem to do so.
 
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CanadianAngel is offline CanadianAngel Post #8  July 30,2010, 4:43pm
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I don't think I'm AS bad with my esteem as I used to be. He's actually helped me quite a bit, helping me realize that at least I'm not SOO ugly that no guy would ever date me. Which is what I used to be convinced of.

He hasn't treated me poorly except for a few things that I don't like, but he probably doesn't mean. He has his own insecurities. He's been cheated on several times in the past which is why he has an issue with short skirts and stuff. Afraid some guy will want me and that I'll want him back and then go cheat on him. He admits it's his own problem. I can compromise there, that I can deal with.

But what I reallly don't like is when he calls me the "B" word - jokingly. Like say for example I smack his hand away from something, he'll be like "you b**** " and either grin or stick his tongue out in a playful way. Yesterday I told him, "I dare you to look me straight in the face and say that" and he just goes, "I love youuuu" with a smile instead. I know he probably don't mean anything by it, but no guy should ever say that to their girl even as a joke.

He trusts me though. And he can't be hiding any BIG secrets if he's talking about giving me a key to his apartment. So I don't think I'm ready to give up after just 4 months. I don't think that's enough time to decide whether or not the relationship can be toxic. But at the same time...it's like, when DO you know?
 
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milkman222 is offline milkman222 Post #9  July 30,2010, 6:15pm
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As long as you have feelings for him it feels great to be with him date him have sex with him keep on dating him. It will more than likely eventually fail from everything that has been going on but what's the point in telling you that. Might as well get to the point where he says babe ive cheated on you with my ex sorry then you smack him and break up. For now enjoy his company it's your life.
 
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CanadianAngel is offline CanadianAngel Post #10  July 30,2010, 7:26pm
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milkman222 wrote :
As long as you have feelings for him it feels great to be with him date him have sex with him keep on dating him. It will more than likely eventually fail from everything that has been going on but what's the point in telling you that. Might as well get to the point where he says babe ive cheated on you with my ex sorry then you smack him and break up. For now enjoy his company it's your life.
I don't get the point of your post.

But just to clear things up with everyone else, I'm not worried about him cheating. If he feels anything for his ex it's resentment.
 
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