Boyfriend VS. the ex - confused!


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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #11  July 30,2010, 7:28pm
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If you don't trust him and admit to spying and being insecure, what do you think you'll be tempted to do if he gives you a key to his apartment?

Untrustworthy people in relationships often make a point of saying how much they trust the other person. Then when you hypothetically snoop and find out what you don't want to know, it can be turned around on you---"because he trusted you."

Just food for thought. Why do you want or need an apartment key, at this point?
 
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CanadianAngel is offline CanadianAngel Post #12  July 30,2010, 9:06pm
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I don't need a key. I never asked for a key. He just wants to give me one. And to be honest, if I did have one I'd probably never use it. I don't even leave any of my stuff there, even though he's constantly saying I should leave this and that for when I spend the night. I won't shower there and I bring my own bottled water so I'm not adding to his bill. lol I even bring my own food. I figure, he's paying the rent, his own groceries...I don't wanna become a freeloader.

As far as temptation goes if I had a key...there is none. Since I don't suspect cheating there'd be nothing to snoop for. lol Even if I did, I wouldn't pull the same stunts again and be in hotter water. And I'm more passive aggressive than anything else, so I'd be more likely to just avoid him until he asked me what was wrong and then I'd tell him my feelings. I tried doing that for this past issue, but he ended up emotionally distressed over something non-related so I had to set my feelings aside and be there for him.

But then today, he was cussing up a storm putting some new furniture together, and I just casually mentioned how he has a bad mouth. Swearing doesn't offend me, it just gets REALLLYYY annoying and irritating, especially when it's every other word. It's just not intelligent sounding. So then he's all like, "Oh riightt.. and you effin' think you're a perfect effin' angel.." It sounded so condescending, I was appalled and speechless. Then he looks at me and grins as usual and says, "I love youuuuu". I just didn't talk to him for a good 5 minutes.

After dinner he gave me a massage and we just quietly laid on his bed, except for random kisses and his overuse of saying "I love you" every 3 minutes. It's like, I love you too... but I don't need to say it every few minutes. It actually starts to make me feel uncomfortable hearing it that much.

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive.
Last edited by CanadianAngel; July 30,2010 at 11:03pm.
 
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Sangrebloom is offline Sangrebloom Post #13  July 30,2010, 10:57pm
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He sounds manipulative.
It doesn't sound like a very safe enviroment. It sounds like he'd continue to be passive agressive toward you, it could very well escalate into some problems later on.

I really suggest you spent time away from him and gauge his reactions toward you, if it's negative, I think you should pull further away. just my humble opinion.
 
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CanadianAngel is offline CanadianAngel Post #14  July 30,2010, 11:02pm
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Should I just gradually become more busy? Or should I tell him that I need some space? I think he'd ask why, and I wouldn't wanna tell him it's about his behavior so I can gauge it without him being aware. That way he can't temporarily change it.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #15  July 30,2010, 11:07pm
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Why can't you just be honest and tell him what you have told us?
Why make something up?
Not being able to be honest is a rotten way to be in a relationship.

If you can't talk straight to him, then simply say you don't want to date him any more. Thats the adult way of breaking up. the other stuff you suggest doing is just passive aggressive and not the kind of thing you want to be doing with your life.

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I also want to emphasize what I posted on page one of this thread. You really need to work on yourself before you try and form a relationship. The posts you have written indicate, to me at least, a woman who is very unsure of herself, has dependancy and passive aggressive traits and is not really able to form healthy relationships right now.

Many of us, myself included, took time in our youth to work on becoming better, stronger women by doing therapy, joining womens support groups, reading self help books and so on. I did when I found myself dating and marrying the same type of abusive man my dad was...I was single for almost 20 years! Then I found a man totally unlike the previous men in mylife and had a wonderful fulfilling marriage.

You are in charge of who you are...and only you can make your decisions better ones.
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Sangrebloom is offline Sangrebloom Post #16  July 30,2010, 11:10pm
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I think that's a very good idea, My best friend was in a very similar situation. Just start spending more time with family or friends, get a gym membership, take a class at a community college. If he's really interested in being there for you, he'll want to spend time with you and your friends/family, encourage you to take more classes or go to the gym with you.

If he gets angry, jealous or upset then you know his behavior isn't going to change.

It's been in my observation of this type of guy won't change, but it's worth a shot. I also suggest you don't let him know about the snooping, that will only end badly.
 
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Sangrebloom is offline Sangrebloom Post #17  July 30,2010, 11:12pm
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I just think straight talk might be dangerous! a verbally abusive man can true into the other kind of abusive. I think caution shouldn't be ignored, being honest is good, I'm always for that, but when your dealing with someone that can go from hot to cold, it could be a bad idea.
 
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CanadianAngel is offline CanadianAngel Post #18  July 30,2010, 11:37pm
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Thanks for the support. I think I will try to gradually see less of him and see how it goes. Only problem with that is he always needs to know the plans for the next day. "Am I seeing you tomorrow?" type of thing. If I say even just "probably" instead of yes he'll be weird cuz it still sounds unsure. So I will need to know what I'm doing ahead of time, and if it's not something that will take all day he suggests we could get together afterwards. *sigh*

RoxyRedhead - I actually have the opposite problem of dependency. Yes, I'm unsure of myself and I can't say that I'm my own best friend. lol But I have such walls up around me, I mainly depend on myself and not on other people, and most definitely not on someone I've only been dating for 4 months. Sometimes I think I'm too independent. And that can cause problems too.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #19  July 31,2010, 8:32am
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CanadianAngel wrote :
Thanks for the support. I think I will try to gradually see less of him and see how it goes. Only problem with that is he always needs to know the plans for the next day. "Am I seeing you tomorrow?" type of thing. If I say even just "probably" instead of yes he'll be weird cuz it still sounds unsure. So I will need to know what I'm doing ahead of time, and if it's not something that will take all day he suggests we could get together afterwards. *sigh*

RoxyRedhead - I actually have the opposite problem of dependency. Yes, I'm unsure of myself and I can't say that I'm my own best friend. lol But I have such walls up around me, I mainly depend on myself and not on other people, and most definitely not on someone I've only been dating for 4 months. Sometimes I think I'm too independent. And that can cause problems too.
that's a bad idea. then he's just going to ask "what's wrong"?

you need to grow up and confront things head on. tell the truth. get it all out and let the chips fall where they may. you may lose him, but you will be a better person for it afterwards.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #20  July 31,2010, 4:01pm
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What Scarlet says above is very true.

And my point about the key, OP, isn't that you asked for it or need it---I'm sure you didn't. My point is, you don't actually need it anymore than you need to leave your stuff there, and he seems to be forcing it on you in order to be manipulative.

(It's kind of like doing things you don't like, and then saying, "I love youuuu"---is this a way of saying, "You should have to put up with me because I say that I love you?" You don't.)
 
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