KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #11  July 29,2010, 7:46pm
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Sangrebloom wrote :
In late 2007 to 2008 I was in a relationship what was half way to serious half way in denile, We were that couple that was always together, but were 'just friends'. When things began to change from 'friends' to something else, we got into an argument that lasted about a week and half then we were getting to the point were it was either break or mend, but from one day to the next it ended because he died in a car crash. I was left in a horrible place emotionally, but I managed to find balace again. I find myself now, after these two years avoiding men with his same name. does anyone think this is a wise thing to do? I feel that it would be awkward to have a boyfriend with his same name, to introduce him to friends and family. How can I explain this situation without scaring the hell out of someone?
I think if you're using avoidance, then perhaps you haven't really found balance. Ok, let's say you avoid someone with the same name. Let's pretend you meet someone with a totally different and rare name. Your new interest's name is Balki. Balki might not have the same name, but maybe he drives the same car; likes the same beer or listens to the same music as your late friend. Do you see where this is going?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #12  July 29,2010, 7:49pm
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Sangrebloom wrote :
I love Nemo!

Love is much more scary than clowns.
 
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shanepl is offline shanepl Post #13  July 29,2010, 9:55pm
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Seems like a pretty serious and traumatic life-event to me. Like what others have said, see a clinical psychologist or therapist.
 
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Sangrebloom is offline Sangrebloom Post #14  July 30,2010, 6:57pm
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KungFuFtr wrote :
I think if you're using avoidance, then perhaps you haven't really found balance. Ok, let's say you avoid someone with the same name. Let's pretend you meet someone with a totally different and rare name. Your new interest's name is Balki. Balki might not have the same name, but maybe he drives the same car; likes the same beer or listens to the same music as your late friend. Do you see where this is going?
That's just the thing, I can seperate the things we did do together, the things he liked and not break down. I have to say that it was hard, but I don't burst into tears when I listen to "Stairway to Heaven" *from his favorite band*
It's really just his name, I just can't see myself calling someone else his name.
I think I really should clarify why it's been so hard. It wasn't just him in the car when he died, it was a very bad wreck with 3 that didn't make it. I was unfortunate enough to realize I had fallen in love with him when we were fighting, we were getting over it and the day before I thought to sit and have a talk with him without our other friends around, he passed away. In a way I can't forget the details about him, because he was my friend as well as someone that I had fallen in love with.
I did a lot to move on from it. There has been nothing in my life that could of prepared me for what happened and it's been hard to get to the place where I'm at, but I'm here and I want to move on with life because it's the only thing left to do after a loss.
BTW I loved Perfect Strangers, Balki was awesome.
 
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Sangrebloom is offline Sangrebloom Post #15  July 30,2010, 6:58pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Love is much more scary than clowns.

True dat D-Lion.
 
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superbeetle is offline superbeetle Post #16  July 31,2010, 5:27am
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Most therapists are not connected to a religion, and it shouldn't be hard to find one of those. If you have insurance, start there. Nearly all companies have an EAP you can call for assistance, and they help direct you to therapists in your plan. You can also call your local mental health center, which will often have a sliding scale.

Most places will do an intake with you to find out what kind of therapist you want and what your goals are. Just specify that you don't want someone with a religious approach.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by how little time it would take with a therapist to make you feel better. People often have visions of years of therapy, but four or five sessions might do wonders for you.
 
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Sangrebloom is offline Sangrebloom Post #17  July 31,2010, 8:53pm
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that's making the assumtion that I work at a job that offers medical. One of the reasons I haven't seen a therapist because I cannot afford one. I know one thing is for sure, treatment of any sort isn't free.
However I'm having better luck with the previous link for a therapist locator. One that I can afford has been located with enough calling.
Just posting this thread helped me. I've had others, tell me that it's been "enough" time to move on, part of the problem was me believing that my previous sadness wasn't supposed to linger so long. Now that I know that it's agreed that this is something that other people would struggle with was comforting in a way. It was a sort of catharsis for me.

I really thank everyone's contributions!
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #18  July 31,2010, 11:14pm
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Sounds like you're moving forward, Sangrebloom ... yay!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #19  August 1,2010, 8:46am
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Sangrebloom wrote :
that's making the assumtion that I work at a job that offers medical. One of the reasons I haven't seen a therapist because I cannot afford one. I know one thing is for sure, treatment of any sort isn't free.
However I'm having better luck with the previous link for a therapist locator. One that I can afford has been located with enough calling.
Just posting this thread helped me. I've had others, tell me that it's been "enough" time to move on, part of the problem was me believing that my previous sadness wasn't supposed to linger so long. Now that I know that it's agreed that this is something that other people would struggle with was comforting in a way. It was a sort of catharsis for me.

I really thank everyone's contributions!
It's hard when you feel still stuck in that place of grief and the rest of the world keeps moving on faster and sooner than you're ready for. That's normal, I think. Friends and family who tell you it's 'time' or it's been 'enough'...this is a reflection of their issues as much as yours. Some people aren't comfortable with grieving. Some aren't comfortable with expressing concern in a way that doesn't invalidate your feelings. Some are just too self-centered to be good friends through a process like this.

It takes as long as it takes - and as long as you're able to function day-to-day and you're taking active steps to heal, no one else really gets to say when it should be enough.

Good luck. I hope the therapist is able to help you resolve some of the lingering issues you're having and I wish you the best.
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #20  August 1,2010, 9:11am
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My mother died when I was young. Many years later I named my daughter after her. It wasn't until my daughter was in her teens that I could call her by my mother's name without sadness or even tears. The name is a powerful thing. Some cultures do not name children until seeing what sort of personality they have. Others have the child chose their own name. It is even a custom in some cultures to spit when uttering the name of an enemy. Names carry power. It is no wonder that you are unable to date men with his name. My suggestion might be to use another form of that name, ie; a nickname or pet name instead of the same form of the name as your friend. Sometimes that can be a bridge towards using it again. Best of luck to you.
 
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