Need Advice: Protective/Controlling Older Sister of Girlfriend


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nplussier is offline nplussier Post #1  July 25,2010, 11:54am
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I have been with this girl ('Jane Doe') a couple of months. From the start her sister (Lane Doe), an acquaintance of mine prior to me meeting 'Jane Doe,' has not been thrilled. She has had the idea that people meeting someone, and asking them out on a date is something only people who want sex do, and is ethically and morally wrong. As a point of reference, Jane and I have not had sex, and we have discussed it and decided that we are not going to unless we end up marrying. Jane and I have both had bad experiences with rushing relationships, so we have taken this slow. This of course has not prevented Lane from twisting everything I have said in her presence, or told friends who were less trustworthy then I had expected. Meanwhile, I have noticed Lane having an abusive, dominance/controlling like relationship with Jane. Now, that Jane and I have moved onto more serious territory where we are becoming a couple instead of just two people dating getting know one another, Lane has escalated to threats of violence. The most recent being to slash my tires if I come to pick Jane up for a date. (They currently live in the same house.) Lane has displayed mental instabilities, and brags about her bipolar nature, and the fact that she does not take meds for it, because she likes being her. So now I am stuck deciding if her threats are real or not and taking the chance. So to the question. I like Jane, I really do. I am comfortable around her, and she with me. This is soemthing that has been hard to find. It is not fair to either of us for to leave because of her sister, but I am split, because if I stay, it could lead to personal injury/death of me, or of her. A restraining order is out of the question, because I do not want to force Jane to choose between me or her sister, because rather I like Lane or not, choosing family is the correct choice. The only other option is to backpedal the relationship publicly and see each other secretly, but that is just delaying this question for another time.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  July 25,2010, 12:20pm
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Hi nplussier!

Wow. What a tough situation. I was thinking "run of the mill dysfunctional family, will the gf put on her big-girl panties and stand up to her sis?" until I got to the "slash-tires" part.

I can see why you don't know what to do here.

Does anyone else live with Lane and Jane, that you and Jane could discuss this with?

Could Jane move into her own place?

I am not quite in agreement with what you say about "choosing family is the correct choice". There's some good in that, but if her family is violent? No.

What does Jane think could be a solution? Have you talked to her about this? She knows Lane better than you do, and has survived living with her up to now.
 
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nplussier is offline nplussier Post #3  July 25,2010, 12:26pm
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Jane lives her mother, Lane, and her other sister and her husband. Jane has tried to move out, but each time she has tried, Lane has blocked it. The current block is that Lane is unemployed, and keeps dinging Jane to keep the her car up and running. Jane needs the car to get to work, so Jane is forced to agree or lose her job. (They live an hour from me, so while I provide rides when I can, I am not reliable in that sense.) Jane's mother frequently intervenes on Jane's behalf, telling Lane to back off and let Jane be an adult. This works only in that for a short period of time Lane becomes passive aggressive instead of aggressive. I have talked to Jane about it, and I plan on sitting down today on what was supposed to be a fun date and talk about the slash tire threat and decide what we as a couple should do, but until now, we have both taken a "Let her say what she needs to say, and we will be polite," stance. Physical violence threat of course changes that stance.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #4  July 25,2010, 12:28pm

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WHILE YOU ARE TRYING DO DECIDE IF HER THREATS ARE REAL OR NOT-SHE IS SLASHING YOUR TIRES?

Yes I meant to yell there! You have to try and see this more clearly or will be involved in the middle of a truly disfunctional situation wherein you have absolutely no control.

The dynamics of Lane and Jane have been going on long before you arrived on the scene and it appears it's what they are accustomed to. Is this what you want from your future? If so, I wish you well and hope you have a great deal of mental stamina and fortitude, because you will need it.

My opinion of disfunctional dramatic situations is it's healthiest for me to not become involved if at all possible. You have to decide for yourself if you wish to escalate your relationship with a woman who has chosen to be passive in the face of her sisters overwhelming emotional problems.

Both of them need serious professional help-without it I don't see how any of you can hope to have something like a normal relationship.

I'd walk quickly away and consider myself lucky to have gotten out with only my tires slashed.
 
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nplussier is offline nplussier Post #5  July 25,2010, 12:33pm
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She has not slashed my tires yet, only threatened to, but your point still stands, just wanted to make that fact clear to prevent confusion.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #6  July 25,2010, 12:40pm

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nplussier wrote :
"Let her say what she needs to say, and we will be polite," stance. Physical violence threat of course changes that stance.
A truly bipolar person who is not on meds isn't someone who will see reason-they are not capable of it-their chemical unbalance prevents reasoning. I do speak from experience here, having an extended family member who is bipolar and with whom I must interact often. If she refuses her meds there simply is no way to talk reasonably or logically to her. Listening just exacerbates the issue because we don't 'get' what they want us to.

Expecting someone who is bipolar to behave reasonably if they will simply try is like expecting a diabetic to control her blood sugar level by trying...medication is what is needed and this has to be assessed frequently.

I say again-they have been dancing this dance for a long time and the family has taken the stance that if they don't ruffle Lanes feathers things will be better. It must work for them, or they are just used to doing it, because there isn't a motivation for them to change.

You have a huge decision to make here...and I think you should ask yourself if you have a need to rescue Jane to make yourself feel good? It's an honest thing to think about-and no need to answer...just ponder why you are needing to involve yourself in such a poor family dynamic.
 
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nplussier is offline nplussier Post #7  July 25,2010, 12:44pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
Listening just exacerbates the issue because we don't 'get' what they want us to.
That line rang very true, because every time I have add a disagreement or argument with her, no matter how much I listened, and tried to understand and be mindful of her point, that is what she always threw in my face. Thank you by the way for the honesty. My friends were coaching the advice, dancing around anything in particular. One thing I like about the internet, strangers are great sources of honest advice.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  July 25,2010, 3:58pm
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While I agree with the situation being "out of your hands" the point where she makes a threat to commit a criminal act of vandalism against you is where you are not just "in the middle" but actually are part of the situation.

If, and when, Lane makes another threat like this, calmly tell her "Thank you for giving me advance warning. Now, when it does happen I can call the police and tell then exactly what you said." Sometimes telling people you will bring criminal charges for their actions will stop them in their tracks.

My first inclination is to think that this woman is NOT bipolar and has developed an excuse for bad behavior. Jane is probably used to dealing with this and knows what buttons to push and not to push to calm her down.

Since you are getting more serious with Jane, it might be time to suggest some options to her to help her become independent. She does not have to continue to keep up her sister's car if she has one of her own, correct? Even a "Tote the note" kind of car dealer could help her find a vehicle. Yes, it's a bit more expensive, but worth it if that is the only thing holding her back from moving out. I don't know where she lives, but, if she can move to within walking distance that could be a solution. Finding a roommate situation might enable her to move out and get a vehicle at the same time.

Family dynamics are hard to deal with, especially when one person has such a violent streak. I wish you luck.
 
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