star75 is offline star75 Post #1  July 25,2010, 4:23am
star75's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2010

Posts: 6

See profile

I would like to get some guys to respond to this question if they can.

I have known this guy for several months. I am attracted to him and would like to spend more time with him, but i'm not looking for anything serious right now. We have gone out to dinner a couple of times, and he has come to dinner at my house a few times. He is between jobs right now and i know his life is pretty stressful with the money situation.

Lately, I feel like he is avoiding me, but this is where the confusion comes in. Whenever i see him (lately in a casual setting, not a date) he is very flirtatious, touching me and kissing me, singing to me, etc. So i feel encouraged, and I'll invite him over for pizza and a movie or something, and I get rejected. He says he's too busy, but what the heck? I just don't buy it. I told him a few nights ago, I have a busy life too (grad school and full time job) and i'm not looking to marry the guy for pete's sake, i just want some company on a saturday night.

So I guess I'm just asking why do guys flirt and come on like that when in reality they don't want to pursue something, even casually? Am I being too dense here?
 
  Reply With Quote
Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #2  July 25,2010, 4:47am

Unregistered

Joined: Apr 2010

Massachusetts

Posts: 1,007

See profile

It's impossible to get inside this guy's head for you and provide any feedback regarding his rationale, or lack thereof. One could only begin to speculate based on the limited information provided.

Stop second guessing his possible motives and confront him. Open honest direct communications with him is the only way your going to make sense of this situation.

Let him know that you too have a busy schedule but would like to see more of him. Let him know upfront what your expectations are or are not and that you need him to be open with you.

The key to any relationship is communication skills.
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  July 25,2010, 8:52am
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile

There are two possible reasons for this kind of behavior:

He's not attracted to you, or ...

He's not attracted to you. =(

It appears as though you've been 'friendzoned' - this is something guys rarely do ...but when done, usually means, 1) he feels as though he can do better, but 2) currently has no other options. The instant one comes along, you are history.

(Hey, don't judge ...women do this ALL THE TIME; in fact, I'd say if you weren't attracted to him, you'd be doing the same to him).

The rest of his behavior (the "flirting", etc) can pretty much be explained away with 4 simple words ..."Because you let him".
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  July 25,2010, 9:16am
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,651

See profile

star75 wrote :
I guess I'm just asking why do guys flirt and come on like that when in reality they don't want to pursue something, even casually? Am I being too dense here?

- One reason to flirt without wanting a relationship is that you seem "safe" for some reason, such that it is clear there is no possibility for a relationship (that does not really fit the touching, the dinners, or the interest you appear to have shown.)

- Another reason is lack of attraction.

- It may be fear of failure (lack of income is generally death for a man's dating, and in particular it is foolish to make expense only to get dumped anyway.)

- It may be that he is lonely and, for whatever reason, unable to handle a relationship at this time.

I'm sorry, but this is a situation where whatever the cause, he is not making sufficient effort. I do not see you as likely to get a promising relationship from this person.
 
  Reply With Quote
star75 is offline star75 Post #5  July 25,2010, 6:11pm
star75's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2010

Posts: 6

See profile

Ok, well thanks for the responses!

I have been out of the dating field for a while as I was in a long term relationship for several years and i guess I just have to get used to this again.

Seems like "lack of attraction" was the consensus, but wow, with kissing and touching and flirting.. if guys only do this because I let them I have a lot to learn.

thanks for the help!
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  July 26,2010, 4:19am
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile

star75 wrote :
Seems like "lack of attraction" was the consensus, but wow, with kissing and touching and flirting.. if guys only do this because I let them I have a lot to learn.
Women do this too (more often than guys) ...it's called being a "cuddle buddy" and is based on the idea that every human being needs to feel 'connected' to another. Now, I have to admit, I've rarely seen this behavior in a guy - 'connected' to us means 'sex' - but I have to entertain the possibility given that your guy is going through a tough stretch right now and is probably only using you for comfort and support rather than facing his problems completely alone.
 
  Reply With Quote
Raw_Truth is offline Raw_Truth Post #7  July 26,2010, 9:55am
Raw_Truth's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 1,487

See profile

BikerBeagle wrote :
There are two possible reasons for this kind of behavior:

He's not attracted to you, or ...

He's not attracted to you. =(

It appears as though you've been 'friendzoned' - this is something guys rarely do ...but when done, usually means, 1) he feels as though he can do better, but 2) currently has no other options. The instant one comes along, you are history.

(Hey, don't judge ...women do this ALL THE TIME; in fact, I'd say if you weren't attracted to him, you'd be doing the same to him).

The rest of his behavior (the "flirting", etc) can pretty much be explained away with 4 simple words ..."Because you let him".
YUP.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Second Date | Ask a Dating Expert | Feeling a bit lost »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Calling all guys! Need your advice please :) LeeAnne Ask a Dating Expert 64 October 14,2010 11:01am
Any past or present jealous guys? sthngrlc Relationships 27 May 4,2010 9:51am
Advice for women ami1uwant Dating 10 April 10,2010 1:47pm
HELP: Relentlessly depressed and lonly. Need advice. Satsirosu Ask a Dating Expert 21 August 13,2009 9:46am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Does he date women his own age? Who pays? If he still hasn't called by tonight, should you call him? I can understand his read. It doesn't sound like you'll lose any sleep over Bill if you never ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“JNS - the way I handle these sparse/photoless profiles is to Archive them. If there is no photo, you can send a photo nudge. Also, keep an eye on the updates section on your home page. There it will ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Sparse profiles.” discussion

“ Thank you for your feedback, Sweetnectar. I've actually stopped the smoking thing because I'm not even sure why I do it when drinking. But I've also stopped receiving matches for now! No other ... ” –  Scott_in_LA

Join the “Profile and Pics Review, Please (M/38)” discussion

“List red flags for men Moderators are watching Get back on topic” –  harnomygirl

Join the “RED flags for men” discussion

“Here's the ad. Want your hair blown back? Trojan Vibrations Commercial Neighbors - YouTube You poor thing! Were you bad? Tweet ... This is the one, though now you did make me have to watch all ... ” –  Shelby

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“That's the whole point of me posting here instead of saying all this to him. Because I KNOW it's too much. So that's what I'm saying - I am backing off. I'm not pressing. I put the ball in his court ... ” –  Holiday_HH

Join the “I think I blew it...” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:34pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0