Lover (Chemistry w/o Compatibility) Friends (Compatibility w/o Chemistry)


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #1  July 23,2010, 4:23am
morningsunlig…'s Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jun 2010

Posts: 359

See profile

I sometimes fall in love with men who have great charisma (to me), who are verbally intimate, and passionate souls. These men come across as very dynamic and manly (to me). They are highly intelligent, creative, and passionate. They are also sensitive enough to write poetry to me. I myself do have such passionate aspects in my soul. So it works. It's pretty heated when two souls meet. Their strong presence attracts me so much that I cannot think of anything. I am just absorbed in love and do not think or plan or anything. I just want to be with them. These kinds of passionate loves crush and a lot of hurt and end up dysfunctional with trauma.

But I get along better with other people better for long-term. I need a person who is really gentle, sensitive, and considerate who can listen to my concerns and worries, who could do household work for me when I am not healthy. But these people stay as friends. There is no sparks but affection grows over time. But when I am cocmfortable enough to have an attachment to them, they have already moved on to someone else!

I do not know how to deal with these.
Last edited by morningsunlight; July 23,2010 at 5:15am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  July 23,2010, 9:21am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,073

See profile

It sounds like what you want is a man who is a passionate soul, and also gentle, sensitive, a good listener, and supportive.

Perhaps you have just not found one yet?

Is it possible you get so entranced by a man's charisma that you overlook his brutality, insensitivity, etc.?

Or maybe when you meet a kind and gentle man you immediately categorize him as "friend" and don't look for the passion in his soul?
 
  Reply With Quote
FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #3  July 23,2010, 9:33am
FaintestInkli…'s Avatar

Veteran

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 1,105

See profile

Obviously---nothing personal to you, morningsunlight, or any other posters, for that matter---but this "spark" thing just kills me over and over.

Women talk about that all the time. I understand not being physically attracted. I understand "liking you on paper" but not liking your personality or demeanor when you meet. But I've never understood this "spark" thing at all.

It is not fun to be the "gentle, sensitive, and considerate" person who is treated like a "great friend" but "just a friend."

This is the only reason any woman has ever rejected me. Not you have different life goals. Not "I'm just not attracted to you." Not ... you cheated. Not ... you're bad for me, etc.

But "I like literally everything about you
and love being around you, but 'there's just no spark.' "

So they break up with you, and I can't even really get mad .... It seems senseless ... she's single and lonely, I'm single and looking. I like her a lot; she likes me. But she nixes it on "no spark." But she wants to stay friends, of course ... wants to hang-out. Wants to keep talking. I just want to change her mind, or have it be over and done with ... you're looking for a relationship, so why waste your time?

I wish I knew how to tell you to deal with it!

Maybe it's a gender thing. I hear women say this all the time. As a man, I have never felt this "spark" ... I have met a small number of women who had a combination of (1) were combatible with me in values and life goals + (2) I found physically attractive + (3) I enjoyed her company enough to be content "being with her" indefinitely. But this is apparently not what is meant by this indefinable "spark!"

Personally, I gravitate between wanting to say to women: "it's ok, no hard feelings, if you don't feel a spark, then don't force it" and "this spark stuff is a load of ---! do you want to be alone or not?"

If you like poetry---I think relationships should grow from seeds, not sparks. Trees last much longer than fires.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  July 23,2010, 9:38am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,073

See profile

H'mmm. Sounds like faintestinkling might be a kind, sensitive, considerate man who is poetic and passionate!

Check. Does exist.
 
  Reply With Quote
scubachick is offline scubachick Post #5  July 23,2010, 9:48am
scubachick's Avatar

If you can hook it, I can dive it!

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2010

in the Deep South

Posts: 50

See profile

FaintestInkling wrote :
Obviously---nothing personal to you, morningsunlight, or any other posters, for that matter---but this "spark" thing just kills me over and over.
But it is so true. That's why women get seduced by players. If regular guys who have great qualities borrowed some things from players, the world would be perfect.
 
  Reply With Quote
Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #6  July 23,2010, 10:15am

blames self-help books

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2009

STL

Posts: 4,879

See profile

FaintestInkling wrote :
Women talk about that all the time. I understand not being physically attracted. I understand "liking you on paper" but not liking your personality or demeanor when you meet. But I've never understood this "spark" thing at all.
Let me see if I can help you out. So far as I see it you not feeling the "spark" may be why they aren't. Oh I hate the term spark too. I digress...here is the spark as I see it.

It is discussing things that you are passionate about, books, art, beer, pick your poison. You are watching the other person speak and even if you are not understanding the subject the feelings the person is having for the subject you understand. It is that common way of understanding that draws you into the other one's world. When you look in their eyes you see a part of you in their souls and you can see it in their eyes that they see it in you. It is in that feeling that you want to be as close to that person as you possibly can and then you kiss. In that first kiss you feel everything that you have shared verbally and in other actions, up to that point. That kiss is the spark.

No matter how long a day or how tired I am, no matter how awful my day was all Troy has to do is look at me with that understanding and pull me into that kiss. Everything I have felt for him comes rushing across my heart and I feel that amazing love.

I can do the same thing to him.

Wow is it five yet cause I suddenly want to go home.

That is the spark and it has to be felt by both. Good luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #7  July 23,2010, 10:51am
FaintestInkli…'s Avatar

Veteran

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 1,105

See profile

@Can_I_just_be_Jo:
You make a reasonable point ... the thing I always think though is, maybe what you describe is just an extraordinarily good relationship? Maybe not everyone "gets to feel that way?" Or maybe only certain personality types ever feel that way?

Also, I'm still wondering if it's a gender thing. Don't get me wrong. I "love a lot of romance" (to paraphrase one of the choices in eHarm's 1st questions). I just don't don't get that "oh my God, we're made for each other" feeling so many people say they have ....

In line with the OP's question (I hope!), and food for thought for anyone: there are definitely "passionate" people who are also the "stand-by-you" types ... but they may be rare enough ... what is the right thing to do? Be content with the someone who "only makes you happy?" Or wait for some kind of "magic?"
 
  Reply With Quote
Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #8  July 23,2010, 11:28am
Dropdeadredtx's Avatar

Still listening for the jingle of dog tags that isn't there...

Board Leader - Books

Joined: Apr 2010

Houston

Posts: 14,632

See profile

I wish I could explain the difference intellectually, and I can't. I have been what I consider to be 'in love' three times, and in each of those three times I knew immediately. I have had some lovely relationships with some wonderful gentleman that I wouldn't trade for anything, men who I cared for, even loved, but they weren't the same. That - thing, that click, that moment of breathlessness and goosebumps - when it's there, it's there, and there is nothing like it. When it isn't, can I still have wonderfully passionate romantic relationships? Absolutely.
 
  Reply With Quote
PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #9  July 23,2010, 12:02pm

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 6,908

See profile

FaintestInkling wrote :
But I've never understood this "spark" thing at all.
Wiser it is for you to not spend too much time in understanding this phenomenon and/or ever so mysterious 'spark' or 'chemistry'...better spend your energy on understanding stuff like which hoppy beer is great during fall season? Which summer ale is the easiest to drink? Which pale ale taste best with a nice, big, juicy burger?

Important stuff like that. Froggie will back me up on this.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #10  July 23,2010, 12:15pm
Dropdeadredtx's Avatar

Still listening for the jingle of dog tags that isn't there...

Board Leader - Books

Joined: Apr 2010

Houston

Posts: 14,632

See profile

PY_2 wrote :
Wiser it is for you to not spend too much time in understanding this phenomenon and/or ever so mysterious 'spark' or 'chemistry'...better spend your energy on understanding stuff like which hoppy beer is great during fall season?
I would suggest Ayinger Oktoberfest.

Which summer ale is the easiest to drink?
What do you think about Great Divide's Titan IPA?

Which pale ale taste best with a nice, big, juicy burger?
Goose Island IPA, perhaps?

Important stuff like that. Froggie will back me up on this.
I'm sure he will!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Confused? | Ask a Dating Expert | Two problems I am unsure on how to present. »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Insulted? by Boyfriend's Friends! What to do? voteoften Relationships 21 November 27,2010 6:18am
Being friends with your ex lilsun Dating 28 October 31,2009 9:34am
have you turned down friends in eH advice and why? pussinboots Using eHarmony 23 July 23,2009 9:18am
e-Harmony Blues, Missing Chemistry GreatGuy38 Dating 33 June 22,2009 5:20pm
Having Friends DennisWisconsin A Man's Point of view 3 May 24,2009 7:54am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Does he date women his own age? Who pays? If he still hasn't called by tonight, should you call him? I can understand his read. It doesn't sound like you'll lose any sleep over Bill if you never ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“JNS - the way I handle these sparse/photoless profiles is to Archive them. If there is no photo, you can send a photo nudge. Also, keep an eye on the updates section on your home page. There it will ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Sparse profiles.” discussion

“ Thank you for your feedback, Sweetnectar. I've actually stopped the smoking thing because I'm not even sure why I do it when drinking. But I've also stopped receiving matches for now! No other ... ” –  Scott_in_LA

Join the “Profile and Pics Review, Please (M/38)” discussion

“List red flags for men Moderators are watching Get back on topic” –  harnomygirl

Join the “RED flags for men” discussion

“Here's the ad. Want your hair blown back? Trojan Vibrations Commercial Neighbors - YouTube You poor thing! Were you bad? Tweet ... This is the one, though now you did make me have to watch all ... ” –  Shelby

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“That's the whole point of me posting here instead of saying all this to him. Because I KNOW it's too much. So that's what I'm saying - I am backing off. I'm not pressing. I put the ball in his court ... ” –  Holiday_HH

Join the “I think I blew it...” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:34pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0