Theodore_99 is offline Theodore_99 Post #1  July 22,2010, 8:10pm
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I started dating about a year ago, kind of entered the scene late, since I've been busy with college and I'm not the most outgoing person either.

Anyways... I've probably been on about 15 or so dates. Out of all the dates I've been on, I've been willing to go out with them again to get to know them better, but every date so far has declined. What I don't understand, is about the last 3 or 4 dates I've been on, at the end of the date, they tell me, so are you gonna call me sometime? Or would you wanna call me sometime? I say yeah, sure. So I call them back to try to setup another date, and they either say I didn't feel any romantic connection or they just don't answer. Why do they tell me to call them if they aren't interested? That's sort of misleading I think.

I would say I'm an average looking guy, but I think maybe (I'm not sure) the reason I'm not having any success is that I have no confidence in myself at all. I think they can sense that, and that's it. What's a good way to build confidence in myself? It's kind of hard to try to stay positive and confident when I get rejected quite a bit.
 
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nathanjs is offline nathanjs Post #2  July 22,2010, 9:17pm
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First off after you read this it would be nice if you respond back to me as I love giving advice. I have to commend you with getting all these dates as many men out there even attractive ones don't get to go on a lot of dates. My problem is meeting women as I prefer mainly to do it online and its not a very effective way to meet women I am attracted to. With you I have a feeling on the date you treat them more as like a friend than as a potential future gf. Are you making the effort to flirt with them, hold there hand, perhaps at the right moment giving them a kiss. In order for a women to want to hangout with you again you need to create attraction so she can't help it but drool over the next time she gets to hang with you. You know very well you want to hangout with her again because shes hot and she makes you feel good. Her work is pretty much done all she has to do is play hard to get. On the other hand you have some work to do as i doubt she finds you nearly as attractive as she may want you to be. So you need to make up for this in other ways by creating moments where she feels attraction for you. There are many things that you can do that can make her feel good. An example is leading her to a good time by requesting her to hold your hand even if she tries to resist and saying lets go for a walk. Being in control is hot to women whether they want to admit it or not. Another example is doing the opposite what your body wants you to do. She may say I think you should call me sometime and normaly being you ya Ill call ya tommorow see ya then. WRONG do the opposite of what your body is telling you to do. So she says hey you should call me sometime and you Say this instead give me two reasons why first and good ones. Let her give you two reasons and then excuse yourself without giving her an answer as to yes or no. Call her back no sooner then 5 days. Doing this increases your chances dramatically instead of throwing yourself on her you give her time to think about you , miss you and wonder does he really like me. If you did all of this correctly shes going to want to go on a second date with you just as much as you do and that's simply amazing.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #3  July 23,2010, 7:45am

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So there have actually been some heated threads in dating about this. The guys ask why it happens and think it is deceptive. The women think it is fine as they like to sleep on it before they decide to write the guy off. Those were the two polarized opinions. There were quite a few in between as well.

Unfortunately it was never really resolved but the story goes like this. They had a good time but there wasn't a spark. They said call me or whatever because they didn't want to close the door in case after sleeping on it they changed their minds.

I think the thread really went nuts when a guy complained that he is always paying for these first dinners when they know they are not going on a second. Yeah, unless you want a cat fight, don't bring up who pays.

Hopefully I have brought you up to speed on the ongoing debate here.

Oh, Nathan, if you want someone to read a post that long you need to use paragraphs.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  July 23,2010, 9:16am
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Hi Theodore!

Well I don't know what the problem is. Maybe you're letting too much time go by before you call them? Maybe you're doing or saying something during the date that's off-putting? Maybe you're having an extraordinary streak of bad luck? Don't know.

But ... I'm not so sure you're completely lacking in confidence. How did you get 15 first-dates? Surely they didn't all approach you? So you must have enough confidence to initiate with a woman?

One way to build your self confidence is to recognize when you are being confident!
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #5  July 23,2010, 9:17am

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Yeah-what Jo said.
Also Nathan, you might want to start your own thread and perhaps condense the I said, I felt she said etc a bit.

And finally as to who pays....I always pay my own way and suggest a coffee meet for a first get together.

No reason why you guys can't suggest that also.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #6  July 23,2010, 9:28am

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RoxyRedhead wrote :
Also Nathan, you might want to start your own thread and perhaps condense the I said, I felt she said etc a bit.
You read it. My eyes went buggy so I just answered the OP.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #7  July 23,2010, 10:57am
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Theodore, everyone gets turned down. In fact, the average person gets turned down more often than their invitations get accepted. It's all part of dating.

The key is to keep yourself from thinking it's rejection. Using the word "rejection" makes it personal, when, in reality, these first dates don't know you well enough to make that kind of value judgement. All they know is that they didn't feel whatever they need to feel to want to get to know you better. Or they may have heard from their ex-boyfriend the next day and they got back together. Or any number of other things that have absolutely nothing to do with you. And yeah, it stinks that they tell you to call and then don't want to get together, but it happens to a lot of people. Again, try not to take it personally, because they really don't know you.

If you can look at first dates as a chance to meet someone nice and see if you want to get to know them better, that might help. I couldn't tell from your post whether you had any real emotional investment in any of the women you'd met, but it might be best to try not to have any expectations beyond a simple 'get to know you' date. Once you're not all that invested in a larger outcome (like a relationship) coming out of that one date, you might find a little more confidence in yourself.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #8  July 23,2010, 11:21am

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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
You read it. My eyes went buggy so I just answered the OP.
I scanned it, realized it belonged in its own thread and answered..I'm not that dedicated here Jo!
 
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Theodore_99 is offline Theodore_99 Post #9  July 23,2010, 1:54pm
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To me, trying to hold hands or kiss on a first date or just a first time of meeting, seems a bit forward to me. I do not want them to think I'm moving things to fast (cause everyone tells me women can't stand it when guys try to move things fast) and I would just like to talk and get to know them a little bit before moving on to that. Maybe I'm different, but I don't know if my personality would allow me to do that with someone I just met.

I think for the most part I'm just a "nice guy" and a lot of women write me off for that. But your right, I think the first date, I do treat them as a friend, but don't you want to be their friend (get to know them) before taking things too seriously?
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #10  July 23,2010, 2:09pm
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There's a balance - you can be friendly and polite but make solid eye contact to express interest, too That's where the confidence comes in. It sounds like you're confident enough to meet people, but not confident enough to make interest clear.
 
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