I'm an already-committed-man magnet. :-( Why?!!!

hankscorpio: that's hilarious! LOL

Can someone please tell me why the only guys that seem attracted to me enough to open a dialog are guys that are already in committed relationships? This phenomenon is frustrating me.

What makes it even more intolerable is that without exception these guys have very high regard for their significant others, whether they are fiances, wives, or girlfriends; and, they feel the need to advertise to me how incredibly wonderful the women in their lives are. That leaves me scratching my head and asking, "So why are you telling me this again? And, if your woman is so phenomenal why on earth are you flirting with me?!"

I have never really dated much. I was in a committed relationship for 20+ years that ended a few years ago. Since that break up I have been on one date. And I'm convinced that guy was married too, even though he never admitted it to me.

I'll admit, having entered into an exclusive relationship so young in my life, that I am not an experienced dater. I don't understand the games people play and I'm a bit intimidated. But this committed-guy syndrome I seem to keep attracting into my life is not acceptable. I don't want someone else's guy flirting with me, and then easing his own conscience about his actions by delivering glowing remarks about how wonderful his woman is. Please! Give it a rest! Pick on someone your own size!

I'm obviously doing something wrong. Why can't a guy who is 'free' find his way into my path? This can't be the norm. Can it? Otherwise, how can a woman ever expect to find a life companion? In my experience they all seem to be taken!

To Mr_Right:
An example of a recent proposition to me: A married guy who thinks his wife is an incredible cook, wife and mother, asks me to fly with him (just the two of us) to another city for "lunch" one weekend for a chit-chat. A chit-chat? Yeah, right.

To BikerBeagle: Believable enough? Is that flirting, or just a man that wants to see if he can sleep with me to demean me because he is not attracted to me at all?

I have a couple of thoughts on your question:

First, are you sure that flirting means intent? I flirt, somewhat, with women in my workplaces, even though I know there is no possibility (or intent) of anything.

I flirt because it is fun. Nothing more.

Second, how is it that these are the guys you're speaking to?

Most people, I think, are selective in who they will "allow" into any level of intimacy with. This selectivity produces a highly non-random sample; therefore, what appears to be common behavior is is not in fact a measurement of men, but an outcome of your methods.

For example, nearly all the e-mail I receive on online dating sites (all but ten out of about 350 messages) are women looking for money, and half of them advertise how they pose nakked on the internet. I am cognizant that this is not a valid conclusion that 97% of women are like this - I realize that those who are are disproportunately active online, which is surely the true explanation for my data.

In the same manner, the "player" style of man may be presumed to be more active at approaching women; this does not make these men common as a percentage of all men.

A mitigation to this problem is to enhance the diversity of your men, such as by approaching men, initiating with men, meeting men in different settings, etc. Anything which improves sample diversity improves accuracy in assessing the true prevelance of a trait.

Hi kaecee,

If you get approached by men who are not available, but never by men who are available ... I wonder if you are somehow sending out negative signals to the available men.

It's not necessarily that you're inviting unavailable men, but more that you're turning away available men somehow?

Of course not knowing you I have no idea whether this is true, or what you might be doing. You say you're shy ... perhaps you generate walls of some kind when an available man is around? What do you think?