What Warrants a Second Chance? And what Doesn't?

What Warrants a Second Chance and What Doesn't?

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What Warrants a Second Chance and What Doesn't?


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  June 4,2008, 5:11am

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Being in a long-term relationship requires that you weather many storms as a couple. If one person is the source of all of your problems, should you walk in the name of self-protection?
 
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AudreyH is offline AudreyH Post #2  June 5,2008, 9:31pm
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Ah, but what do you do when you reunite with a former lover after 17 years, who is married and you're married, but you both think you were meant to be together and tell each other this for an entire year. Hemoves out into an apartment, he does the paperwork for divorce but never serves his spouse and you go through with your divorce. move out and right when you are finally "free", your lover moves back in with his wife! You know he loves you, you love him, but does a huge betrayal like this warrant a second chance?
 
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peacerose is offline peacerose Post #3  June 5,2008, 10:31pm
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What does NOT warrant a second chance? Physical, mental and/or emotional abuse do not warrant a second chance given to an ex. The second chance that they do give is for yourself - to do some real "inside" work to figure out what might have led you to become involved with that person (ie: Is it a pattern?) and once you were in the relationship why did you stay in it (for what ever period of time)?
 
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beccam is offline beccam Post #4  June 6,2008, 7:36pm
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I went through this recently. My ex and I had been together for 2 years and over that time period, he lied to me about money issues twice. The third time, it was a pattern and for my security-I had to make a hard decision and ask him to leave. I know it was the right thing to do but it still hurt.
 
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beccam is offline beccam Post #5  June 6,2008, 7:37pm
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AudreyH,133382 wrote :

Ah, but what do you do when you reunite with a former lover after 17 years, who is married and you're married, but you both think you were meant to be together and tell each other this for an entire year. He moves out into an apartment, he does the paperwork for divorce but never serves his spouse and you go through with your divorce. move out and right when you are finally "free", your lover moves back in with his wife! You know he loves you, you love him, but does a huge betrayal like this warrant a second chance?
WATCH out b/c I just went through that and got burned big time.
 
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dreamergal is offline dreamergal Post #6  June 7,2008, 7:31am
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beccam,134039 wrote :

AudreyH,133382 wrote :


Ah, but what do you do when you reunite with a former lover after 17 years, who is married and you're married, but you both think you were meant to be together and tell each other this for an entire year. He moves out into an apartment, he does the paperwork for divorce but never serves his spouse and you go through with your divorce. move out and right when you are finally "free", your lover moves back in with his wife! You know he loves you, you love him, but does a huge betrayal like this warrant a second chance?


WATCH out b/c I just went through that and got burned big time.
The fact that you were both married means you were idiots to get involved with each other. What good comes out of destroying four or more lives?
 
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cameracollector is offline cameracollector Post #7  June 7,2008, 7:57am
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AudreyH,133382 wrote :

Ah, but what do you do when you reunite with a former lover after 17 years, who is married and you're married, but you both think you were meant to be together and tell each other this for an entire year. Hemoves out into an apartment, he does the paperwork for divorce but never serves his spouse and you go through with your divorce. move out and right when you are finally "free", your lover moves back in with his wife! You know he loves you, you love him, but does a huge betrayal like this warrant a second chance?
Ah, yes. Like Butch and Sundance, you both walked up to the edge of the cliff. Unlike Butch and Sundance, however, you jumped and he didn't. Been there.


I think he knows he can't live up to your expectations of him, and like the coward that he is, he's tucked his tail between his legs and gone back home.I'm sure he did want to be with you, but in the end, he couldn't be who you needed him to be. Heck, Sundance jumped even though he couldn't swim. This man is not who you thought he was.


The important thing for you at this time is to STAY AWAY FROM HIM. You are very vulnerable. He will want to keep you entangled. He will give you all kinds of "logical" reasons why you should stick around waiting for him. DO NOT DO IT. Don't expect him to understand.


Get yourself to a good therapist so you can make peace with your current situation and figure out how you gotthere.Take a hiatus from dating. Acknowledge that you have been deeply wounded. Surround yourself with people who love you. Move away, if you can. Do something you always wanted to do but couldn't do when you were married (travel, take art or music lessons, go back to school). Give youself a time frame (at least two years) to do what you need to do to heal yourself.


And then, take a page from AA and make amends to the people you've hurt (like your ex).


Good luck!
 
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cameracollector is offline cameracollector Post #8  June 7,2008, 8:07am
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dreamergal,134287 wrote :

beccam,134039 wrote :


AudreyH,133382 wrote :


Ah, but what do you do when you reunite with a former lover after 17 years, who is married and you're married, but you both think you were meant to be together and tell each other this for an entire year. He moves out into an apartment, he does the paperwork for divorce but never serves his spouse and you go through with your divorce. move out and right when you are finally "free", your lover moves back in with his wife! You know he loves you, you love him, but does a huge betrayal like this warrant a second chance?


WATCH out b/c I just went through that and got burned big time.


The fact that you were both married means you were idiots to get involved with each other. What good comes out of destroying four or more lives?
dreamergal, don't judge unless you've been there(remember that old saying about walking a mile in someone's moccasins?). She already knows she was an idiot; she doesn't need you to tell her that. People who are very unhappy don't mean to do stupid things. They are usually just trying to make the pain go away. I don't have a lot of patience for people who do the same dumb things over and over again, but ALL of us, even the most seemingly grounded people, can do dumb things when we are in a lot of emotional pain.
 
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Red Sox Girl is offline Red Sox Girl Post #9  June 7,2008, 8:28am

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AudreyH,133382 wrote :

Ah, but what do you do when you reunite with a former lover after 17 years, who is married and you're married, but you both think you were meant to be together and tell each other this for an entire year. He moves out into an apartment, he does the paperwork for divorce but never serves his spouse and you go through with your divorce. move out and right when you are finally "free", your lover moves back in with his wife! You know he loves you, you love him, but does a huge betrayal like this warrant a second chance?
Absolutely not.
 
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dreamergal is offline dreamergal Post #10  June 7,2008, 9:27am
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cameracollector,134311 wrote :

dreamergal,134287 wrote :


beccam,134039 wrote :


AudreyH,133382 wrote :


Ah, but what do you do when you reunite with a former lover after 17 years, who is married and you're married, but you both think you were meant to be together and tell each other this for an entire year. He moves out into an apartment, he does the paperwork for divorce but never serves his spouse and you go through with your divorce. move out and right when you are finally "free", your lover moves back in with his wife! You know he loves you, you love him, but does a huge betrayal like this warrant a second chance?


WATCH out b/c I just went through that and got burned big time.


The fact that you were both married means you were idiots to get involved with each other. What good comes out of destroying four or more lives?


dreamergal, don't judge unless you've been there(remember that old saying about walking a mile in someone's moccasins?). She already knows she was an idiot; she doesn't need you to tell her that. People who are very unhappy don't mean to do stupid things. They are usually just trying to make the pain go away. I don't have a lot of patience for people who do the same dumb things over and over again, but ALL of us, even the most seemingly grounded people, can do dumb things when we are in a lot of emotional pain.
CameraCollector,


It means they didn't think about anything or anyone but themselves. Love is a choice, not a feeling, and at that time they CHOSE NOT to love their spouse. Both of them are in error. Neither one took their marriage vows seriously enough.


If I even entertained such an idea as to get involved with a married man, I would hope people would smack me upside the head and call me an idiot (at the very least).


If you are THAT unhappy in the marriage, finish the marriage THEN try to find your happiness. The problem with happiness is that it can only be found within. No one person can "make" you happy or complete you.


I have absolutely no tolerance for infidelity. I didn't speak to my uncle for over 20 years because he cheated on his wife with herbest friend (and later married the slut). I still have no respect for him and we see each other at most every few years.
 
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