What does it matter how my parents marriage was ?


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Joadams is offline Joadams Post #1  July 4,2010, 11:54am
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Sorry typo in topic. What does it matter how my Parents Marriage was.

I keep seeing people ask me this, why is that important ? If you are a person that ask this question explain to me the logic behind it . Do you eat all the same food your parents ate, do you like all the same movies your parents liked ?
Last edited by Joadams; July 4,2010 at 12:01pm.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  July 4,2010, 12:30pm
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That's something I might talk about with someone I know well, as a matter of curiosity and getting to know them better.

I don't really care how their parents' marriage was, but what it was like for them to grow up within that family is interesting, if I care about them.
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #3  July 4,2010, 1:36pm
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I think it is important to some as it might indicate who your role models are for your own relationships. If you grew up in a violent home, would you be more prone to address issues violently also? If one parent consistently gave the other the silent treatmetn rather than address issues head on, is that how you would react as well? I've heard it said a number of times that the way someone learns to handle relationships is predominantly based on what one saw in adult relationships as you were growing up.

In my case, my parents have been married 55 years. They still hold hands and have (embarrassing) tickle fights on the couch. Even though marriages are never smooth sailing, we rarely saw them fight but instead saw them talk things out between them. And that's how I tend to be in relationships. I don't get into drama or shouting matches or silent treatment. If there's an issue, I bring it up and hope we can talk it out. I learned from the best, and hope it carries over for my relationships.

On the other hand, it does set the bar pretty high. I have never seen a reason to settle for less than that kind of relationshp and have turned out to be middle aged and still single. My sister has been married 3x but finally got the kind of relationship my parents have with hubby #3. My other siblings found it first time out.
 
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jov27 is offline jov27 Post #4  July 4,2010, 5:35pm
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I think it's a completely inappropriate multiple choice question. Or short answer question. I have no idea why e-harmony has it in the initial list. What a bizarre thing to ask right off when you don't know someone and when there's only room for a phrase! I've noticed that men who fancy themselves amateur psychologists ask it. But the answer doesn't mean anything! You could say that things were great - and they weren't, you're just an oblivious soul. You could say things were terrible, and you are great because you've had enough real therapy to know how to relate.

I find the question offensive and negative when I'm asked it. I've never ruled out anyone who does ask it, and I've met quite a few of those men. But to a one, they were men who were not themselves as smart and insightful as they seemed to imagine they were.

That's the kind of thing to talk about in nuance later - when you can feel out a person's insight, empathy, awareness of self and others.
 
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PreachersSon is offline PreachersSon Post #5  July 4,2010, 9:55pm
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jov27 wrote :
I think it's a completely inappropriate multiple choice question. Or short answer question. I have no idea why e-harmony has it in the initial list. What a bizarre thing to ask right off when you don't know someone and when there's only room for a phrase! I've noticed that men who fancy themselves amateur psychologists ask it. But the answer doesn't mean anything! You could say that things were great - and they weren't, you're just an oblivious soul. You could say things were terrible, and you are great because you've had enough real therapy to know how to relate.

I find the question offensive and negative when I'm asked it. I've never ruled out anyone who does ask it, and I've met quite a few of those men. But to a one, they were men who were not themselves as smart and insightful as they seemed to imagine they were.

That's the kind of thing to talk about in nuance later - when you can feel out a person's insight, empathy, awareness of self and others.
I'm not sure, but I think there was a little bit of negativity there! So... What was your parent's marriage like?

Um, I actually tend to agree more with the previous poster who said that it reflects how you will see things in a marriage. The question is an attempt to get a "snapshot" of your frame of reference on relationships. I know from experience, for instance, that a woman who grew up with an abusive father tends to transfer that onto every man she dates, and ASSUMES he is scum, like her dad, and keeps trying to create a scenario where he can "prove" it.

It's not about being an "amateur psychologist", either. It's just a fact of life that your earliest influences (your parents) model how you approach relationships. It really is a case of "monkey see, monkey do" (And I am NOT calling women monkeys. It holds true for men as well.). As far as the answer not meaning anything, assuming you are honest, I think most people have a pretty good idea, at least by young adulthood, of the real state of their parent's union (or lack thereof.).

I will grant that it is very early in the process to be asking that question, but eHarmony tends to be kind of an accelerated process anyway, even if you take it slow. Remember, the slogan is "Getting to know someone at the deepest levels." You can almost justify the question being that early on those grounds.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #6  July 4,2010, 10:26pm
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I think that the marriage itself means almost nothing.

There is a possibility of gaining some idea about a matches attitude toward marriage because of their experience with it among the people in their lives.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  July 5,2010, 4:51am
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I agree that the dynamic that exsisted with your parents is the one that you will tend to play out (and probably seek out) in your own relationships.
 
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jov27 is offline jov27 Post #8  July 5,2010, 5:24am
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PreachersSon wrote :
I'm not sure, but I think there was a little bit of negativity there! So... What was your parent's marriage like?


It's not about being an "amateur psychologist", either. It's just a fact of life that your earliest influences (your parents) model how you approach relationships. It really is a case of "monkey see, monkey do" (And I am NOT calling women monkeys. It holds true for men as well.). As far as the answer not meaning anything, assuming you are honest, I think most people have a pretty good idea, at least by young adulthood, of the real state of their parent's union (or lack thereof.).

I will grant that it is very early in the process to be asking that question, but eHarmony tends to be kind of an accelerated process anyway, even if you take it slow. Remember, the slogan is "Getting to know someone at the deepest levels." You can almost justify the question being that early on those grounds.


My parents' marriage is complex, nuanced, devoted, exclusive, companionable AND not what I want. I think there are many many healthy aspects about it, some dysfunctional ones, and some that suited them, but wouldn't suit me. OK now THAT answer is too long for the space provided.

Your interpreting my comments personally is a touch 'amateur psychologist' yourself don't you think? A psychologist might do an hour interview, or even 4 hours assessment to come to the conclusion that you come to from a paragraph?

I do feel 'negative' about that question and wanted to communicate that to the OP. My distaste for it is related to my dear friends who grew up in less than stellar households, and who are among the kindest, most considerate and thoughtful people I know. They are not reactive "monkeys" but insightful men and women. I know what their truthful answer would be - and it wouldn't communicate how in fact they are better than most people at relating. Among other things, given their histories, they are very hesitant about drawing conclusions about other people with limited information.

People think they can draw conclusions from snippits - but that's goofy. You cannot get to know someone 'at the deepest level' in multiple choice questions. IMO those topics should be left until later when they can be discussed in words. No one would ask this of someone they just met in person. It's too intimate. Asking it in GC is not a way to 'get to know someone;' it's only a way to find some reason to close someone down - close someone down when you have only a phrase and don't even know what the story is? Go for it. It's not possible to have insurance against all bad future relationships through collecting data out of context. Won't happen. Some parents with great marriages have kids who can't relate. Some parents with bad marriages have kids who are much more insightful, empathic and sensitive because of it.
 
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marzo is offline marzo Post #9  July 5,2010, 5:36am
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OK, I get this, I really do. But, the thing that is stupid about that question being placed there, is that most half-witted people get this. Do you think they are really going to divulge the negative aspects of their parent's relationship while they are trying to woo you? They know where this question leads! They will tell you what you want to hear, and I don't blame them. Too many judgements can be made on them (however accurate they may or may not be) based on something that they had no control or choice about. If their parent's weren't functional, they had enough unwarranted punishment in their lives, with out it continuing to have to steal happiness from them in their adult lives.
I know people with "happily married forever" parent's who are jerks too, or "divorced parents" who learned not to make the same mistakes. While it can go either way, I've learned to refrain from judgement based on that, and instead look for other character traits and personality traits.
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marzo is offline marzo Post #10  July 5,2010, 5:43am
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Nanette wrote :
I agree that the dynamic that exsisted with your parents is the one that you will tend to play out (and probably seek out) in your own relationships.
I don't disagree with this, we tend to gravitate to what we are familiar with. But what does this mean for someone who grows up with just a mom, or just a dad, so no model of an adult relationship (in the home) either way?
 
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