What does it matter how my parents marriage was ?


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brixjnz is offline brixjnz Post #31  July 10,2010, 6:42pm
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cp30 wrote :
I'm suprised by the extremely judgemental behaviors of people. People have free will and to think you can judge a person without context -- a simple question about their parents marriage -- means you basically think that person is simply a product of their enviorment...that you must think all people are incapable of rising above their circumstance.

This whole thinking is troublesome to me. In so many ways.

of course our childhoods are imporant. But it requires a conversation with a person to even begin to grasp what that person has done with their circumstances.

This is really playing psychologist with very limited information. And I do believe it's show a discriminatory mind.
Are you really surprised CP? I mean, I totally agree that it's disturbing. But based on what I've seen until now, I'm not particularly surprised. In the effort to remove all possible risk from life and love, and the necessity to actually get to know someone personally before making judgments about who they are and what they believe about relationships, they sometimes apply questionable and disputable statistical and psychological analysis to weed out the undesirables. The sad thing is that in the weeding out process they lose the opportunity to get to know a lot of people for who they are beyond the surface.

As far as I'm concerned any person that judgmental deserves what they end up with anyway.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #32  July 10,2010, 7:17pm

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Emme0264 wrote :
CP, I have no idea what your parental or family situation was. All I can say is that you are amazing, kind, supportive, funny and there for people when they need you. If people want to rule you out because your parents fought or you had a single mom or whatever, then they are losing out on a tremendous person over something irrelevant to you.

Yes, how you grew up may have some impact on how you view relationships and what you learned from the relationships you witnessed, but that background is certainly not the be all to end all. If someone dumps you over this stupid question, send him my way and I'll personally kick the snot out of him for letting you go over something ridiculous. And then he can go and try to find a woman with a perfect family life, which means he will die lonely since there is no such thing.
shucks thanks Emme

you know, my parents are still married. My dad is 70 and my mom is in her mid 60's. They got married when my mom was 17. So, obviously this is a very long time....4 kids. And they made it through the 70's....I look back on the history of the country and the decades my parents were married through and I have so much respect for them. Warts and all.....because no of course they are not perfect, not even close. And to suggest that because my parents are married and on the surface could probably pass as "normal" (whatever that means) and happy....seriously it would tick me off too if someone assumed something about me because of that.

I've been around long enough to see how good or bad people can turn out independent of how they were raised and their circumstances. I thank my parents for all they did for me but I take credit for my views on relationships, how I'm going to raise my kids, and my emotional health. I'm not a helpless (33 year old for that matter) mold that just absorbed whatever my parents did as the only possible "right" behavior in the world and I'm developed enough to go off into the world and learn for myself other ways of doing things than I've seen in my home as a child.

My parents have passed down both good and bad things to me. I have a tenuous relationship with my mother, as she has aged she has become extremley difficult and she did suffer abuse as a child which she largley overcame. An adult learns to take the good their parents gave them, respect it and try to discard the bad. None of us grew up in a vacuum and have no excuse to be in one once we have left our homes. It's not too hard to develop ones own moral code especially as it relates to relationship ideals, values and thoughts on raising children.

gah. anyway. Thanks....I have a few butts I'd like you to kick on my behalf anytime
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #33  July 10,2010, 7:19pm

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brixjnz wrote :
Are you really surprised CP? I mean, I totally agree that it's disturbing. But based on what I've seen until now, I'm not particularly surprised. In the effort to remove all possible risk from life and love, and the necessity to actually get to know someone personally before making judgments about who they are and what they believe about relationships, they sometimes apply questionable and disputable statistical and psychological analysis to weed out the undesirables. The sad thing is that in the weeding out process they lose the opportunity to get to know a lot of people for who they are beyond the surface.

As far as I'm concerned any person that judgmental deserves what they end up with anyway.
silly! I know! But it does still suprise me that people can be this limited in their view!

What about all the adopted children, foster children, children of hard working single moms? These people have a hard enough time in life and probably had to mature faster than most and it's ok to rule them out because they alledgedly didn't have the right role models?

Come on, I know far too many "bad" girls from good homes....and divorced people whose parents are still married.
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #34  July 10,2010, 7:27pm
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gah. anyway. Thanks....I have a few butts I'd like you to kick on my behalf anytime
Send 'em my way. I haven't kicked any butt (obnoxious or otherwise) in a while and I don't want to get out of practice. :-)
 
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bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #35  July 10,2010, 7:59pm
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I'd like to answer some of the multiple choice questions with May I ask why you're asking me that? But their chicken response would be to hit close 9 out of 10.

I've known of plenty of people with parents in intact long marriages, who were/are themselves dysfunctional - so that question and the answer is largely irrelevant. In some cases the home life is so stable and comfy that the adult offspring settle into a rut and never grow up - and never leave the nest. I have zero interest in basement dwellers and don't wish to be given the third degree by them.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #36  July 10,2010, 8:33pm

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bluskies4ever wrote :
I'd like to answer some of the multiple choice questions with May I ask why you're asking me that? But their chicken response would be to hit close 9 out of 10.

I've known of plenty of people with parents in intact long marriages, who were/are themselves dysfunctional - so that question and the answer is largely irrelevant. In some cases the home life is so stable and comfy that the adult offspring settle into a rut and never grow up - and never leave the nest. I have zero interest in basement dwellers and don't wish to be given the third degree by them.
I've seen it a really unreasonable amount of time.
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #37  July 10,2010, 8:39pm
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cp30 wrote :
I've seen it a really unreasonable amount of time.
I just realized that I don't think anyone has ever asked me the question about my parents' marriage.
 
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bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #38  July 10,2010, 8:47pm
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I was asked the question by a majority of my matches. I think I'd be more interested in their siblings' marriages over their parents. Siblings are more telling IMO.
 
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samanthao is offline samanthao Post #39  July 11,2010, 8:06pm
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Oh my GOSH! I HATE that question. Some things are too heavy for first communication, and based on statistics about half of people don't have pretty answers to that question. I understand why people ask, but there are better ways to find out whatever it is they are trying to find out.. and there are more appropriate times.

I tend to respond with a light answer, something along the lines of "My parents divorced when I was young, however, my mom is re-married and my step dad is great!"
 
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flocondeneige is offline flocondeneige Post #40  July 12,2010, 3:35pm
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Personally, I think this question is totally irrelevant. Sure, some people use their parents as role models, yet many do not. In my case, my mom and dad had a very traditional relationship. The "house and kids" were the domain of my mom. The yard, car, and work the domain of my dad. That is absolutely NOT the type of relationship I want and certainly not one I have ever created, or hoped to create. I believe in equality and each person working together to create a healthy relationship. I want a husband who is as involved in raising the kids as I am; I want a husband who can cook dinner as I cut the grass (or wash the dishes after I cook) or one who can help me as I fix the plumbing.

My parents also divorced when I was in college. Does that mean I will get divorced? I would hope it most certainly does not! I have not made many of the similar mistakes my parents made in their relationship, such as getting married early, and hope that should the day come that I do get married that I will not use their relationship as a standard or guide.

The fact of the matter is that 50% of marriages end in divorce these days. Although research suggests that divorce rates tend to be slightly higher among children from divorced households, that does not mean that couples whose parents did not divorce are any more happy in their relationship. I personally know people who probably should divorce, yet for their own personal reasons do not. Does that mean their marrige is more successful than someone who is divorced? To me, success of a relationship depends on the mental and emotional health of the couple together.
 
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