What does it matter how my parents marriage was ?


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SeeShore is offline SeeShore Post #21  July 6,2010, 8:01am
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I think it is a very relevant question. Now, I don't think that it should be a disqualifier if a person has divorced parents... BUT statistically speaking, the chances of a marriage lasting if the parents stayed together (especially if they are HAPPILY married) is higher than if they didn't... so it's one nice indicator.

AND the way a person answers the question is very important.

Also, I had an insane woman for a mother-in-law. Not fun. My ex's parents were stuck (still are) in an unhappy marriage and the family dynamics put a strain on our marriage.

And related to this: They say you can tell the way a man will treat his wife by the way he treats his mother and to an extent I have seen this to be true more often than not.
 
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charlie990 is offline charlie990 Post #22  July 6,2010, 10:29am
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the state of harmony between one's parents is a critical factor ..the 'learning experience' is a process of mastering certain tasks, particularly related to survival .. those who's parents are loving,respectful, dedicated to each other AND thier families tend to produce happy and effective offspring ... children face neglect as a result of disharmonious or 'too busy' parents have more challenges to face in finding thier own way and gaining an understanding of what TRULY matters in life can be also be more ofa battle ..due to the workaholic nature of everyday American's ,this society is incredibly sick compared with many other supposedly 'civilised' countries.. just look at the leval of violence as just ONE factor.. a surefire signal of a lack of true humanity exists..
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #23  July 6,2010, 3:06pm
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By the way, I don't think being a child of a single or divorced parent at all means you're doomed to failure also. To the contrary, it is almost as important to see how NOT to be in a relationship as it is to see how TO be in one. For example, because I never really saw my parents fight, I am not educated on how to fight fairly and productively. Everybody fights. Seeing a good or bad way to fight can be extremely productive in your future relationships. As for single parents, lots of wonderful, well adjusted people had single parents. I think it depends more on the parent than the situation. Maybe a fairer question would be about your family life growing up than about the state of your parents' marriage.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #24  July 6,2010, 7:13pm
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cp30 wrote :
yes, it's really a form of discrimination and to make inferences from this question is I believe like going back to the dark ages when children were mistreated for being 'illegitmate' or whatever. It leaves no room for people who have triumphed over life's ugly side and taken responsibility for their own success in life and relationships.

Additionally, the choices are absurd. Whose marriage can fit neatly into one of the four given categories? My parents are still married, but niether distant nor affectionate at all times.

and I refuse to be judged for my parents choices, especially now that they are in their 60's and 70's.

not to mention I think I would know them and how thier relationship affected me best -- not something I want to give a random stranger the benefit of judging me for in a mulitple choice questions. Absurd.

Yeah, I kinda hold it against guys that ask this question ...it's too complex and I find it judgemental of them to think they could get meaningful information from the answer.
Eh, don't hold it against guys who ask this question, c3p0. I was one who did, back in the day.

Put yourself in a guy's shoes. There are all these girls that are in communication, and we need to find out quickly what the deal is with each one. So we might pick that question. No biggie.

Wait until after the first date before you hold it against them.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #25  July 7,2010, 10:03pm

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there's lots of men to choose from, too...
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #26  July 8,2010, 12:15am
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I actually think this is a good question. The type of marriage your parents had does help shape your thoughts and ideas of how to handle a relationship. It can also bring up a compatibility issue. For example: Person A, whose parents were married and divorced multiple times might have a more cavalier attitude about marriage, or even understand that marriage doesn't necessarily mean for life. They may find Person B, whose parents have been married for 40 years uncompatible because that person is more likely to think that marriage is for life, and would put Person A through a lot of strife of trying to keep a relationship intact that Person B thinks is best to just end.

A real example from someone I know is this: The parents of a female friend of mine are still together. However, the father is very abusive towards the mother (verbally and physically). She herself, goes for abusive men, because what we would see as abuse, she sees as a "corrective action" that a man sometimes needs to take against a woman, and she beleives the man does this out of love (because her father always told her mother that he loved her). She believes that a man showing love to a woman is to control her through fear, control and abuse.

We have to remember that everyone has a different idea on what is "normal." Someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family would see dysfunction as normal.

To sum it up: Someone asking about your parents marriage could be seeing if you have an example in your life of being willing to work out the hard things. However, they could just as easily be asking if you know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #27  July 9,2010, 7:00pm

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I'm suprised by the extremely judgemental behaviors of people. People have free will and to think you can judge a person without context -- a simple question about their parents marriage -- means you basically think that person is simply a product of their enviorment...that you must think all people are incapable of rising above their circumstance.

This whole thinking is troublesome to me. In so many ways.

of course our childhoods are imporant. But it requires a conversation with a person to even begin to grasp what that person has done with their circumstances.

This is really playing psychologist with very limited information. And I do believe it's show a discriminatory mind.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #28  July 9,2010, 8:11pm
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Could you imagine asking someone this question at a party or at the gym or at some other casual social "get-to-know-you" function? Of course not. So don't ask it in Guided Comm. either.
 
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mary_mary is offline mary_mary Post #29  July 10,2010, 4:52pm

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Hmm. Miss Manners had a response to an impertinent question like this (and a number of others one might cite):

Why do you ask?

That way I might find out something about him.

Starting with: whether he has a clue why he asked.
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #30  July 10,2010, 7:13pm
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cp30 wrote :
I'm suprised by the extremely judgemental behaviors of people. People have free will and to think you can judge a person without context -- a simple question about their parents marriage -- means you basically think that person is simply a product of their enviorment...that you must think all people are incapable of rising above their circumstance.

This whole thinking is troublesome to me. In so many ways.

of course our childhoods are imporant. But it requires a conversation with a person to even begin to grasp what that person has done with their circumstances.

This is really playing psychologist with very limited information. And I do believe it's show a discriminatory mind.
CP, I have no idea what your parental or family situation was. All I can say is that you are amazing, kind, supportive, funny and there for people when they need you. If people want to rule you out because your parents fought or you had a single mom or whatever, then they are losing out on a tremendous person over something irrelevant to you.

Yes, how you grew up may have some impact on how you view relationships and what you learned from the relationships you witnessed, but that background is certainly not the be all to end all. If someone dumps you over this stupid question, send him my way and I'll personally kick the snot out of him for letting you go over something ridiculous. And then he can go and try to find a woman with a perfect family life, which means he will die lonely since there is no such thing.
 
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