What does it matter how my parents marriage was ?


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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #11  July 5,2010, 6:58am
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I think it's important to find out what your future in-laws are like.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #12  July 5,2010, 7:33am
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I think it's too complicated a question (if the marriage was bad) to answer that early on.

my parents marriage was carpy, and that's the reason I have trust issues, but once i'm in a relationship I'm a great girlfriend, and I've always been the breaker upper.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #13  July 5,2010, 8:07am
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marzo wrote :
I don't disagree with this, we tend to gravitate to what we are familiar with. But what does this mean for someone who grows up with just a mom, or just a dad, so no model of an adult relationship (in the home) either way?

I would only be guessing, but I think overall they are at a distinct disadvantage in relationships and other areas of life.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #14  July 5,2010, 1:56pm
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Nanette wrote :
I agree that the dynamic that exsisted with your parents is the one that you will tend to play out (and probably seek out) in your own relationships.
From what I can see in my extended family and others, a huge majority have selected mates that are nothing like their parents.

As far as my life, my parents relationship is a great example of why divorce is sometimes necessary. It was one of the most positive decisions that they could make. They get along great if they don't live in the same home.

I suppose it depends on whether a person tends to use the template of others to shape their life.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #15  July 5,2010, 3:51pm
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The majority do. I think that is a pretty well established fact.
 
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RyRy84 is offline RyRy84 Post #16  July 5,2010, 4:12pm
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The subject on this topic was so confusing, I had to comment.
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #17  July 5,2010, 4:31pm
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Nanette wrote :
I would only be guessing, but I think overall they are at a distinct disadvantage in relationships and other areas of life.

I've seen so many contradictions of this that I just don't buy it...no matter what research says. My ex...grew up in an intact family with a pastor dad and stay at home mom. Went to all the youth Bible camps, church every Sunday. At 40 he completely leaves me and the kids for another woman. My cousins...their dad left their mom when they were young teens...moved to another state, little contact...as adults they are both in strong married relationships. Some people in broken homes make a conscious decision to go a different direction than their parents, or find religion to help them. One is not always a product of their upbringing.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #18  July 5,2010, 4:52pm

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I hate that question. totally intrusive and I hate the fact that it seems they are assuming I'm simply a product of my parents with no free will to be my own person and I may have suffered damage because of their relationship. Totally rude and a form of acceptable discrimintation if you ask me.

I usually answer it with free text and state something along the lines of how it's none of the above and how I'm an adult and while my parents have influenced me I am my own person.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #19  July 5,2010, 4:59pm

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marzo wrote :
I don't disagree with this, we tend to gravitate to what we are familiar with. But what does this mean for someone who grows up with just a mom, or just a dad, so no model of an adult relationship (in the home) either way?
yes, it's really a form of discrimination and to make inferences from this question is I believe like going back to the dark ages when children were mistreated for being 'illegitmate' or whatever. It leaves no room for people who have triumphed over life's ugly side and taken responsibility for their own success in life and relationships.

Additionally, the choices are absurd. Whose marriage can fit neatly into one of the four given categories? My parents are still married, but niether distant nor affectionate at all times.

and I refuse to be judged for my parents choices, especially now that they are in their 60's and 70's.

not to mention I think I would know them and how thier relationship affected me best -- not something I want to give a random stranger the benefit of judging me for in a mulitple choice questions. Absurd.

Yeah, I kinda hold it against guys that ask this question ...it's too complex and I find it judgemental of them to think they could get meaningful information from the answer.
 
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charmed59 is online now charmed59 Post #20  July 5,2010, 8:16pm
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Given that I'm at the age where I'm dating folks that are either divorced, broken up from a long term relationship, or widowed; their own past relationships are much more of a harbinger on how they will deal with a future relationship. But questions of depth on past relationships is frowned on even on the first date, much less in communication before that. So for folks in their 40s or above that throw that type of question in there, I gotta wonder why.
 
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