How much do you trust your gut?


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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #1  July 1,2010, 6:01am
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I closed on someone after taking a night to think about it b/c a few things just seemed off - I won't get into details but the messages had a hint of desperation and defensiveness (in response to really bland questions like, did you grow up around here? how do you like being an uncle?). I was uncomfortable, considered chatting a bit more to see if I got anything definitive, then decided to go with my instincts and trust that what wasn't working still wouldn't work if we met.

So, how much do you trust those impressions? And have you ever ignored it and been glad you did?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  July 1,2010, 6:17am
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I definitely trust my gut and the times when I've ignored it and went forward with meeting, the gut turned out to be right on target. In short, while I don't always listen to it, I don't think my gut has ever been wrong.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #3  July 1,2010, 6:23am

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lunabeach wrote :
I closed on someone after taking a night to think about it b/c a few things just seemed off - I won't get into details but the messages had a hint of desperation and defensiveness (in response to really bland questions like, did you grow up around here? how do you like being an uncle?). I was uncomfortable, considered chatting a bit more to see if I got anything definitive, then decided to go with my instincts and trust that what wasn't working still wouldn't work if we met.

So, how much do you trust those impressions? And have you ever ignored it and been glad you did?
I wouldn't go just by impressions online. They'd have to tell me things outright that are obviously negative. ("I want to cut you apart and store you in my freezer" would be such an example)

If they just seemed like they didn't want to open up their life story online I wouldn't hold it against them to the point of refusing to meet them in person to see what they're really like.

It's too easy to project your own fears into text on a screen.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #4  July 1,2010, 6:54am
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hankscorpio wrote :
I wouldn't go just by impressions online. They'd have to tell me things outright that are obviously negative. ("I want to cut you apart and store you in my freezer" would be such an example)

If they just seemed like they didn't want to open up their life story online I wouldn't hold it against them to the point of refusing to meet them in person to see what they're really like.

It's too easy to project your own fears into text on a screen.
Good points - unfortunately what made me uncomfortable was the exact opposite. There was an assumption of a relationship much, much too soon. I actually ask somewhat bland questions (based on their profile or the previous GC steps) on purpose, just to allow for people to share as much or as little as they're comfortable with.

What I expect from the hometown question is a "yes, and I loved the park there" on the light side or "no, I moved here for a job and my family is still in ____. It was a hard decision to make, but I love what I do" on the more sharing line. Not all kinds of stuff about "we" and "us" referencing him and me. There is no 'we' and 'us' in the second round of questions.

Actually, in hashing this all out in words, I'm very certain I made the right move...but I am still curious about what other people have experienced.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #5  July 1,2010, 7:04am
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lunabeach wrote :
I closed on someone after taking a night to think about it b/c a few things just seemed off - I won't get into details but the messages had a hint of desperation and defensiveness (in response to really bland questions like, did you grow up around here? how do you like being an uncle?). I was uncomfortable, considered chatting a bit more to see if I got anything definitive, then decided to go with my instincts and trust that what wasn't working still wouldn't work if we met.

So, how much do you trust those impressions? And have you ever ignored it and been glad you did?
I don't trust texting or email to convey someone's personality, because frankly, it can't.
Texting/email makes lousy media for anything other than written words.

I would trust a phone call much more, because a person's voice including their tone, inflections, etc, can tell me more about their personality.
Remember, the idea is to meet in person.
Email/texting is about as far away from that scenario as it gets.
Last edited by TheThinker; July 1,2010 at 7:54am.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  July 1,2010, 7:37am
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That "we" and "us" while it's still just online is off-putting to me too. It seems to be pretty common. Sometimes it probably means the other person is in fantasy, etc. but I suppose there could be reasonable explanations for it, like ...

... they are talking about a hypothetical "we/us" but aren't being clear it's just hypothetical
... they hope it draws you to them

I actually don't think trust-gut is 100%. It's good, it's close to that ... but people can have knee-jerk reactions because of this or that in their history. Leading them to make a poor choice, based on gut reaction.

So ... I will trust-gut when actual survival is at stake. But just whether or not to continue GC with somebody? Probably not. Give the benefit of the doubt, let head work along with gut -- they both get a vote.
 
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Mr79percent is offline Mr79percent Post #7  July 1,2010, 8:22am
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DancingFool wrote :
I definitely trust my gut and the times when I've ignored it and went forward with meeting, the gut turned out to be right on target. In short, while I don't always listen to it, I don't think my gut has ever been wrong.

Since the vast majorities of dates don't result in a relationship, your "gut" is going to be right most of the time even if your gut consists of nothing but a coin-flip. Just throwing that out there.
 
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Mr79percent is offline Mr79percent Post #8  July 1,2010, 8:35am
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Sassafras54 wrote :

I actually don't think trust-gut is 100%. It's good, it's close to that ... but people can have knee-jerk reactions because of this or that in their history. Leading them to make a poor choice, based on gut reaction.

So ... I will trust-gut when actual survival is at stake. But just whether or not to continue GC with somebody? Probably not. Give the benefit of the doubt, let head work along with gut -- they both get a vote.
Sassafras is dead on--it's too easy to project negative traits when you haven't even talked to the person on phone. I'll admit the "we" and "us" bit is weird, but maybe he is doing it because of friend or some article recommended doing so. But closing is justified if the OP wants...it isn't a gut feeling--gut feeling is a negative vibe whose origin can't be explained. In this case, he coming across too strong. It can be explained.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  July 1,2010, 9:49am
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Mr79percent wrote :
Since the vast majorities of dates don't result in a relationship, your "gut" is going to be right most of the time even if your gut consists of nothing but a coin-flip. Just throwing that out there.
I think you and I have a very different understanding of what a gut reaction is. To me, a gut reaction is warning of danger, i.e. this person may be mentally unbalanced or downright dangerous to my well being. My point was that when my gut was telling me there is something seriously not right with this individual, choosing to investigate further proved the instinct correct. That's not to be confused with knee jerk reactions or just normal run of the mill dating oddities and challenges.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #10  July 1,2010, 9:54am

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I prefer to meet people rather than judge them by online responses or even phone conversations, since what I want from a relationship is an actual presence and not a pen or phone pal.

I can get a better sense of the person over 2 hours in a coffee shop-my preferred place for first meets-than I can over weeks of emails.

I trust my intuition and sensibilities in one- on- one meetings.
 
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