divorced twice - when to tell THAT gem?


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cricket99 is offline cricket99 Post #1  May 18,2010, 1:28pm
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I'm twice divorced. I refer to myself as divorced when talking to a new guy, but not TWICE divorced. when is the right time to reveal that particular gem of knowledge? don't want to tell too soon and seem like I've overshared, but dont' want to tell too late and look like I was hiding the info.

thus far, I've just brought it up casually in an early email or on the first date, saying, "oh, well, actually I have two ex's - got married way too young (age 20) the first time, so that's my excuse for that one!"

so far, so good, but I am wondering if I really need to be telling the guys this on the first few emails, etc. somehow seems better to clear the air and get out of the way early on, but still...is it too much too soon?
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  May 18,2010, 1:45pm
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Unless you hit the EH Lottery and find the love of your life within a few matches, you're going to have a lot of short-lived "relationships" -- 1-3 dates with someone. I don't think it's necessary to get very personal early on. And some people will experience it as TMI. Whether it's 2 divorces, or anything else personal.

However. I think in general it's just best to be You, in early dating ... not try to edit yourself for the other person.

If you want to tell, and feel comfortable telling, and it comes up somehow, then go ahead. But I don't think you "owe" that information.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #3  May 18,2010, 3:51pm
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Answer when asked?
 
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annother is offline annother Post #4  May 18,2010, 3:52pm
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I met a man whom I quite liked, but he told me on the third date that he had four ex-wives. After that things just seemed to go downhill. I started seeing reasons why his wives all left him!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  May 18,2010, 4:00pm
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I had a guy on a first date tell me (when asked) that he'd been divorced three times (ok) and that he'd tried to kill himself after the third (TMI).

There is a fine line between being honest and oversharing. I'd say that if you aren't getting too many people who suddenly don't have anything to say after you reveal this, then you're probably okay.
 
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Altair is offline Altair Post #6  May 18,2010, 4:09pm
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No need to make yourself look a loser by bringing it up yourself, like you are looking for validation. There is time for that later, when after they get to know you it may not matter as much. You are just saying "avoid me" So wait for the right time or when asked. In real life do you tell everyone you meet that you've been divorced 3 times? Let them get to know the real you so they are not trying to find reasons why your ex dumped you.
 
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cricket99 is offline cricket99 Post #7  May 18,2010, 6:11pm
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altair, hey, hey now! I've only been divorced twice. Not three times. sheesh!

it's actually come up, somewhat, in that the guys ask about my college days, or why I moved cross-country midway through college, and it seems like a natural progression to say it was because my then-husband's job transferred him, or that I took longer than normal in college because I got married along the way...
 
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Altair is offline Altair Post #8  May 18,2010, 9:54pm
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I wasn't necessarily meaning you. But there are some things that you are allowed to keep private until a later time. One no no is talking about your ex or other dates, at least on first dates unless you are comfortable talking about it. But people sometimes get an opinion of you from your past, so why tarnish yourself by being too open in the early stages unless you know it will be a deal killer, and even then it may not be a deal killer for all. For instance, some are ok with smokers and others aren't. Would you bring up that you have an STD unless you were considering having sex with someone and it has gotten to that point? I think openness is good, but at the right time.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  May 19,2010, 5:33am
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I'd answer when asked, but be prepared to be asked that question early on.

Which brings up another interesting question. When is it too early to ask?

If it doesn't come up in pre-date conversation, I'll probably ask about that on the first date.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #10  May 19,2010, 1:17pm
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I would mention being divorced right away, like in the profile.

As for when to mention it was 2 times, I'm not sure, but I don't think that needs to be brought up early. When you do disclose it, I'd be prepared for questions about why you got divorced.
 
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