Dealing with a Clinger


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Women are have a tendacey to be more insecure and guys usually are way more into the sex 0 0%
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Sam_M is offline Sam_M Post #1  May 14,2010, 7:09am
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OK so I have an ex whom I tried numerous times to try and have a functioning relatioship with. At first, I found her very attractive, funny, kind and interesting. Over time however I started to feel like she was overbarring, always upset and emtionally dependant. I slowly started to seperate myself from her which was difficult as she was always throwing herself, in more ways than one, at me.

My problem is that I only can find one end of the spectrum, either partner who is a clinger, or a partner who just likes sex. I'm looking for an in between now but I begining to belive it doesnt exsist, or maybe I just don't see it?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  May 14,2010, 7:34am
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lol....if it was so easy to find the right person, nobody would ever be single.

To answer your poll, there are just as many clingy, desperate, needy men as women. This is not limited to one gender or the other. Unsolicited advice - the only way to deal with them is to draw unconditional boundaries and if that fails, to dump them clearly and irretrievably. Saves you both time and trouble and drama.

Food for thought.....if you ran into someone in between, would you recognize that? Also, if she were willing to date you, would you even know how to treat her and how to interact with her?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  May 14,2010, 8:08am
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Sam_M wrote :
At first, I found her very attractive, funny, kind and interesting. Over time however I started to feel like she was overbarring, always upset and emtionally dependant. I slowly started to seperate myself from her which was difficult as she was always throwing herself, in more ways than one, at me.
I see a contribution to the clinginess by your behavior. She was acting in a way that showed insecurity within your relationship, but didn't initially. Could that be the result of her innate insecurities? Sure. Could that be the result of you not reasonably assuring her enough? Also a possibility... we don't have enough information to know.

What we do know is that you told us that your solution was to separate yourself more from her rather than to reassure her. Wrong! The result: she clung on harder. If someone is clingy because they feel insecure, the way back (assuming you want a healthy relationship with this person) is to assure and emotionally support her/him, not to withdraw affection or attention -- that just fuels the insecurity more.

Your response to her perceived clinginess suggests to me that your behavior within the relationship might have precipitated her clinginess since she didn't start out that way. If this is the case, you are only going to end up with the extremes in your relationships -- women who don't care on a deeper level, or women who become insecure and cling on tight unless you change your approach.
Last edited by MelinCali; May 14,2010 at 8:37am.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  May 14,2010, 10:12am
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Hi Sam! There definitely is a huge range of good relationships that are somewhere in between "way clingy" and "disconnected sex".

It's possible that your ex was stuck as a Clinger. It's also possible you did things (without being aware of it) that made her feel insecure and that's how she reacted. It's also possible that for some reason most people wouldn't label her as clingy but for some reason you do.

Can you describe an episode of clinginess? Perhaps get feedback on it!

Welcome to EHA!
 
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