toonice26 is offline toonice26 Post #1  May 11,2010, 3:53pm
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My boyfriend of 9 months and I broke up a few weeks ago because he basically lost his feelings for me and fell out of love with me. I have done what all girls do these past few weeks and have been analyzing, reanalyzing, and studying these past few months. During our talk, I had made a comment that I felt I had gotten overconfident in our relationship since he was constantly reassuring me that he wasn't going anywhere and so we both quit putting effort into our relationship.

While our relationship was seemingly great from the outside, I felt I had just been going through the motions. After our talk though that got me thinking, I was so happy in our relationship and so sure about us, why was I just going through the motions? Then I realized, these last few months I had been doing that with everything in my life lately. I have just been going through the motions in life, seemingly happy on the outside, but my personality has almost been subdued than my normal self. I have no ambition and no real drive. I go through the motions, seem to be happy, talkative, etc. but I am content just sitting and doing nothing. When we go out with friends, I am content just sitting back and observing which is not me.

It occurred to me that this all started happening when I switched my migraine medication to Topamax. I had taken this medication before and had a similar, only much more pronounced effect, but the neurologist had assured me that we would do a small dosage and that I should be okay. I told my boyfriend to keep an eye out for personality changes, but then I forgot about it and just went about life. The problem with this medication is when it does change the person, they don't typically realize it. Luckily for me, I had something happen in my life that caused me to look back and analyze things. Otherwise I wouldn't have caught it. I did some brief research on the internet and found multiple reports of this medication causing personality changes. I have an appointment set with the neurologist in a couple of days to switch back to my old medication and will hopefully go back to my old self. Other people have reported that they went back to their old selves within days.

The sad thing is, it is probably too late for my relationship because his feelings already changed and faded when my personality changed. He is a very social and outgoing person and I was becoming a very quiet, withdrawn person, especially socially. However, I would like to send him a message to just let him know. I am thinking of phrasing it in a way that I am thanking him for choosing to end things when he did, because who knows if or when I would have realized what the medication was doing to my personality otherwise. I believe things happen for a reason and I am thankful they happened when they did because I can now go off the medication and get back to being me again. Does this seem like a horrible idea? I am not planning on wording it in anyway that it makes it seem like I am trying to convince him to give us another shot, although it would be great if he decides to if he realizes that my change in personality was the reason he started to have doubts about us. However, I want to let him know that I am thankful that I had a chance to realize what was going on so I could go off the medication and start to feel more like myself. Thoughts/advice?
 
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annother is offline annother Post #2  May 11,2010, 4:09pm
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I'm not sure what the question is, but it sounds as though this relationship is over. Regardless of the medication, he no longer feels the same way about you. Nothing you can say will change that.

However, if you are no longer shy and withdrawn, you could start going to social functions. If he is at some of those events, he will see that you are back to your old self.
 
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toonice26 is offline toonice26 Post #3  May 11,2010, 4:23pm
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Sorry, the question is, do you think it is appropriate to send him a quick message just saying thank you for helping me realize I haven't been myself? As long as I realize that this isn't a message hoping to get back together, but a message that is more for my own closure?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  May 11,2010, 4:24pm
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toonice i have a feeling he just wasnt the right guy for you. 9 months isnt a terribly long time to be involved with someone. i would just let it go. i'm sorry.
 
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Goomph is online now Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  May 11,2010, 4:26pm
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Well, you had told your friend about the possible personality changes, didn't you ? Obviosuly he missed the clues then, and letting him know that it was the medicine will probably also get lost somewhere.

Consider the possibility that even without the effects of the pills you are taking, he might have arrived at the same point.

Line Annother said, start going to social activities and if he sees you and realizes that you are back to old yourself and if that was the reason for him to break up with you he might contact you. I doubt it that the note you mentioned will achieve much.


Good luck ....
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  May 11,2010, 4:50pm
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I probably wouldn't communicate with him about this ...it makes it appear as though you are changing your medications to be better suited for him rather than because changing medications are better suited for you.

As Nanette stated, 9 months isn't a long time and, while I'm sure you have an emotional investment in this, do you really want to be with a guy who bails at the first opportunity when life get's 'real'?

Lots of people out there who are willing to be in a relationship when 'party' is on ...but disappear when the time comes to clean up and pay the bar tab.

No big loss here, in my opinion.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  May 12,2010, 10:03am
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I don't see any problem in sending such an email ... as long as you're clear in yourself that the point of it is not to restart the relationship.

If really the point is that you want to restart with him, then that's what you should say, if you contact him.

Sorry you had to have this happen! It is good though that it made you aware of a bad side effect of the medication.

In future: it would be better to assign the task of monitoring you for personality changes to someone other than a new boyfriend. He had only known you for a few months when your personality got medicated/changed. How could he be expected to realize that? That task would be better assigned to a longterm close girlfriend or family member, or make yourself go check in with a doctor (preferably psychiatrist who's familiar with your medication) on a regular schedule, whether you feel like you need it or not.

Good luck!
 
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toonice26 is offline toonice26 Post #8  May 13,2010, 5:05pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I don't see any problem in sending such an email ... as long as you're clear in yourself that the point of it is not to restart the relationship.

If really the point is that you want to restart with him, then that's what you should say, if you contact him.

Sorry you had to have this happen! It is good though that it made you aware of a bad side effect of the medication.

In future: it would be better to assign the task of monitoring you for personality changes to someone other than a new boyfriend. He had only known you for a few months when your personality got medicated/changed. How could he be expected to realize that? That task would be better assigned to a longterm close girlfriend or family member, or make yourself go check in with a doctor (preferably psychiatrist who's familiar with your medication) on a regular schedule, whether you feel like you need it or not.

Good luck!
Sassafras you had a very good point. I should not have asked him to watch for any change in personality. What was a change in my personality from medication, he saw as a change in his feelings for me.... and thus the end of our relationship. I wish I had realized this sooner, but lesson learned I suppose. I met with the doctor today and he agreed that I should go off the medication. He said that since it works with the brain it can change the personality or mood of the person taking it. So we are trying without any migraine medication for a while, which he thinks will help me be a lot happier. If only I wasn't also depressed right now because of the break-up! Unfortunately I know the damage has probably been done to the relationship and I was "different" for too long and his feelings faded too much. One of the things he fell in love with me for was that I was confident, strong, and outgoing. I lost those qualities on this medication so the normal boredom from routine was exacerbated by the fact that I was different from the person he originally fell in love with. It breaks my heart and I wish I could go back... but I can't, so I have to figure out how to just move on and learn from my mistakes.
 
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