Fear of showing interest? (maybe I'm not just a shy girl!)


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sunkissed222 is offline sunkissed222 Post #1  April 9,2010, 10:55pm
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Hi everyone,

I'm a 25 year old female and I have this issue that I'm starting to think isn't just due to shyness. Little background first: I've ALWAYS been very shy but it's something I've been able to conquer in the last 5 years, I've come a long way. I think I'm smart, pretty, independent, confident, funny - I think most people who know me would tell you that. I have alot going for me and alot of potential (working on starting my own business) life-wise.

To the issue: I have this wierd fear of showing interest in guys. I can do the eye contact thing until I really start wondering about them, thinking about them and who they are, etc and with that kind of interest comes this fear of showing that I'm interested. And I don't know how to fix it.

Right now, when I'm not around the person, it seems easy and I'll tell myself "Okay, next time I see them, I'm going to do the eye contact thing, smile, etc" but when I actually see them? The inner dialogue in my head sounds like this: "Don't look at him, don't smile, don't act like you're interested. He might think you're being wierd". I know it's stupid and totally irrational but I don't know where that comes from or why I feel that way. If he's the first to show interest, I have no problem reciprocating it. But guys usually don't talk to me or show interest. My friend said it's "because they think they're out of your league". Even guys I've developed friendships with online will be like "I saw you at work (store) but I was too shy to say anything". It's SO frustrating. Between their lack of showing interest and my fear of showing interest, it's impossible to get anything started.

I didn't start dating until I was 20, I've had 2 boyfriends and they were both "talkers", they conversed pretty easily with everyone. But even with the first one, this woman that we both knew at work, had to talk him into asking me out. But anyways, I'm not really sure how to get past my fear of showing someone that I want to get to know them/attracted to them (or even why that fear is there?). Any advice or does anyone else have this problem?
 
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Ajaxx is offline Ajaxx Post #2  April 10,2010, 5:12pm
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I have the same problem. I've had some instances in the past where I'd shown interest in someone and it only led to awkwardness. They became somewhat conceited and condescending towards me, so I stopped showing interest in anyone. Consequently, I still haven't been in a serious relationship. I hate to think of all the opportunities I've missed because of this problem. I have to ask myself: is my fear of awkwardness worth missing out on finding someone great? Of course not. I just have to remember this.

...and I don't think you have to worry about any awkwardness, only others being flattered
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #3  April 10,2010, 5:30pm
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sunkissed222 wrote :
The inner dialogue in my head sounds like this: "Don't look at him, don't smile, don't act like you're interested. He might think you're being wierd".
That's a recipe for going nowhere.
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #4  April 10,2010, 5:36pm
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It can be intimidating, I know. I've been a shy, introverted man for many years (getting over that a bit, now). What has helped me has been gaining confidence through continued social interaction with strangers, actually having something to say on a topic that interests me, and knowing that the good far outweighs the bad in this case.

If you've read these boards much, you might see threads here and there about women showing their interest. I believe that nearly all men like to see a woman interested in them. I would be highly flattered by it, should I meet you in day to day life. There are many people in the world who are good, worthwhile people to know. Some of them are men. A few of those men you might be interested in, and a good part of *those* will be interested in you, as well.

Yes, there will be creeps and cranks. There will be people you might smile at whom later you might wish you'd never seen. There is good and there is bad out there. We all need to be prepared for that, too.

If you are comfortable being social with people, showing interest may be just a small step to take. For those who are like me, and don't like crowds and noise much, it can be harder. Some have found a that volunteering provides a good place to practice being social with folks you don't know- it also gives you something to talk about. There are those on here that sing the praises of places like meetup dot com, which I've never tried as yet.

Sometimes the best thing to do is practice being happy in general. Even if you aren't smiling specifically at someone, this is attractive. You can work up to eye contact, responsiveness, and initiating a conversation. You already have shown that you have courage- working on starting your own business is a big step! You can do this, lass. Have faith in yourself. I'm sure there are others here that can give you far better advice than I, but take every bit with a grain of salt. Use what works best for you and your situation. You will do just fine out there. *grin*
 
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GrahamB is offline GrahamB Post #5  April 11,2010, 4:15am
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Guys are indicating thier interest/dissinterest ALL THE TIME, so are Women. I think you are only thinking about the obvious signs.
It sounds like you generaly show dissinterest, which shuts a guy down.
I think a good idea for you would be when your "interested", focus on his "body language cues" and ignore your "interest cues" completely!
do you understand, his cues, look for them, thats how you know what he thinks.
You are both already giving cues/reacting and dont know it, many are subconsious.
Pay attention!!!, focus on his cues, be natural.
You'll find when you pick up on his consiously and they are possitive its an incredible confidence booster!!!
Knowing someone you like is interested will help you act in a more interesting way towards them.
The "flirty stuff" will come easily after, because you'll be having a lot of fun enjoying his attention if he is "in to you" and you know it.
Watch people interact who you know like each other to learn the subtle cues, watch thier body language.

Ps. you have very beatiful eyes, I'd enjoy looking into them.
Last edited by GrahamB; April 11,2010 at 4:28am. Reason: additional comment.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  April 12,2010, 9:38am
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I felt that way when I was young, and for me it was a fear of getting rejected. If they don't know you like them, they can't reject you.

Over time I figured out where that came from ... family history, cold parents, especially dad.

The solution for me was to keep reminding myself "he is not my dad ... he is not my dad ... he is not going to act like my dad did ... he is not my dad".

Could be something like that for you, could be something quite different.
 
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Kristian79 is offline Kristian79 Post #7  April 12,2010, 5:55pm
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sunkissed222 wrote :

I'm a 25 year old female and I have this issue that I'm starting to think isn't just due to shyness. Little background first: I've ALWAYS been very shy but it's something I've been able to conquer in the last 5 years, I've come a long way. I think I'm smart, pretty, independent, confident, funny - I think most people who know me would tell you that. I have alot going for me and alot of potential (working on starting my own business) life-wise.

To the issue: I have this wierd fear of showing interest in guys. I can do the eye contact thing until I really start wondering about them, thinking about them and who they are, etc and with that kind of interest comes this fear of showing that I'm interested. And I don't know how to fix it.

Right now, when I'm not around the person, it seems easy and I'll tell myself "Okay, next time I see them, I'm going to do the eye contact thing, smile, etc" but when I actually see them? The inner dialogue in my head sounds like this: "Don't look at him, don't smile, don't act like you're interested. He might think you're being wierd". I know it's stupid and totally irrational but I don't know where that comes from or why I feel that way. If he's the first to show interest, I have no problem reciprocating it. But guys usually don't talk to me or show interest. My friend said it's "because they think they're out of your league". Even guys I've developed friendships with online will be like "I saw you at work (store) but I was too shy to say anything". It's SO frustrating. Between their lack of showing interest and my fear of showing interest, it's impossible to get anything started.

I didn't start dating until I was 20, I've had 2 boyfriends and they were both "talkers", they conversed pretty easily with everyone. But even with the first one, this woman that we both knew at work, had to talk him into asking me out. But anyways, I'm not really sure how to get past my fear of showing someone that I want to get to know them/attracted to them (or even why that fear is there?). Any advice or does anyone else have this problem?
You sound aLOT like me. I was always a bit shy, but beyond shy around guys I was interested in. Now, that I'm finally overcoming it a bit...most all in my area or in my circle, are...married.
 
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shellRN is offline shellRN Post #8  April 12,2010, 7:58pm
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I know this feeling/situation all too welll..... I haven't dated in quite a few years - I made my priority getting my career situated and now I'm paying the price

I think it's all a big pyschological game - it's just a hard thing to get over... I suppose it can be done though...
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #9  April 12,2010, 8:23pm

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sunkissed222 wrote :
Hi everyone,

I'm a 25 year old female and I have this issue that I'm starting to think isn't just due to shyness. Little background first: I've ALWAYS been very shy but it's something I've been able to conquer in the last 5 years, I've come a long way. I think I'm smart, pretty, independent, confident, funny - I think most people who know me would tell you that. I have alot going for me and alot of potential (working on starting my own business) life-wise.

To the issue: I have this wierd fear of showing interest in guys. I can do the eye contact thing until I really start wondering about them, thinking about them and who they are, etc and with that kind of interest comes this fear of showing that I'm interested. And I don't know how to fix it.

Right now, when I'm not around the person, it seems easy and I'll tell myself "Okay, next time I see them, I'm going to do the eye contact thing, smile, etc" but when I actually see them? The inner dialogue in my head sounds like this: "Don't look at him, don't smile, don't act like you're interested. He might think you're being wierd". I know it's stupid and totally irrational but I don't know where that comes from or why I feel that way. If he's the first to show interest, I have no problem reciprocating it. But guys usually don't talk to me or show interest. My friend said it's "because they think they're out of your league". Even guys I've developed friendships with online will be like "I saw you at work (store) but I was too shy to say anything". It's SO frustrating. Between their lack of showing interest and my fear of showing interest, it's impossible to get anything started.

I didn't start dating until I was 20, I've had 2 boyfriends and they were both "talkers", they conversed pretty easily with everyone. But even with the first one, this woman that we both knew at work, had to talk him into asking me out. But anyways, I'm not really sure how to get past my fear of showing someone that I want to get to know them/attracted to them (or even why that fear is there?). Any advice or does anyone else have this problem?
If your avatar is your picture then I can understand why a lot of guys would think you seem unattainably good looking.

There was a thread about attraction in the "about you" forum a few days ago, and I think most of the guys agreed that physical attractiveness overcomes 99% of problems for a woman.

To put it clearly. You could do almost anything at all, no matter how weird in actuality, and most guys will react positively towards you.

So there's not much need to fear appearing "weird" since the way a guy's perception of a woman is created is heavily influenced by how attractive he thinks she is.
 
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illustrator is offline illustrator Post #10  April 12,2010, 8:32pm
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sunkissed222 wrote :
I'm not really sure how to get past my fear of showing someone that I want to get to know them/attracted to them (or even why that fear is there?).
That seems to describe the majority of people.

Fear of rejection.
 
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