Debrah49 is offline Debrah49 Post #1  March 28,2010, 8:09pm
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I am beyond trying to figure this guy out. We have dated for two years (3-1/2 hr drive) and have an absolutely wonderful time together every single time we are together. We enjoy all of the same things, can laugh at/with each other...this is chemistry... So what is the problem?

History: When we started dating I was not in school and was able to drive to see him about every other week for 2-4 days at a time due to his work schedule. It should also be noted that I have driven to his house too many times to count and he has been to mine...count them 3 times. Then I started to school and since then it has been more difficult to get together, usually one time a month for 2-4 days. I know his family (because I always have asked) but have never met them...I have met only a couple of his friends. He has not met my family and NEVER asks. He has not met my family simply because they do not live remotely close otherwise this would have taken place a long time ago. I used to occassionally text him simple things..."have a good day", "thinking of you" etc., (very occasionally, I didn't burn out his phone) he claims he doesn't know how to text and made a comment about getting text messages, so I have stopped this...

I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride with this guy. He pulls me in with things he says that makes me feel like he is thinking long term/more permanent commitment and then he pushes me back with other comments that lets me know in a subtle way that I am not priority.

When I go see him, we usually do something fun (opera, canoeing, hiking etc.) the first day and then I find myself outside helping him around his place for the rest of my stay. I don't mind this, but I am beginning to feel like a work horse. It should be mentioned that he spends a ton of money on me (christmas bought me a laptop - Valentines $500.00 of pearls) and the list goes on. He does say he loves me but...are these gifts of guilt? I ask this because I recently found out that low and behold he still has an eharmony account (he asked me to fix his computer and I saw the email from eharmony) that he is being billed for but I can't tell if his profile is active or not.

I haven't mentioned this eharmony account to him because frankly I am stunned and not sure what to say.

I believe I already know what the answer is going to be, but is this one of those "I am great to have around, but not permanent material?" Advise on how to "call" him on his new quest. Do I suddenly withdraw and see if I can shake the sugar tree a little?
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #2  March 28,2010, 8:20pm
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He is not a giving person.

The gift giving is easy.

Everything has to be a convenience for HIM.

I would hold out for more.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #3  March 28,2010, 8:28pm

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Oh gosh-I'm sorry but it does sound like you're a convenience for him. And I'm sure you know how hard it can be to change the dynamic of a relationship after it's been set for such a long time.

As for the eH account-many people don't realize they automatically renew and don't cancel. I would ask him about it-after all, you're supposed to be exclusive. I think this is a fair question. You were in his computer at his request. You might say "Did you realize you're still being billed for your eH account? Have you considered canceling it-or are we not exclusive any more?
I wouldn't pussyfoot around with this either. If he's being deceptive, you want to know.
Are you thinking he's seeing someone else while you are not there?

There isn't any way for you to back out of this (if thats what you want to do) with kindness...i expect he won't hear it/won't want to hear it. After all he's got a woman who will drive to his place and do yard work!

A friend of mine mentioned, when I complained about a similar situation in my present relationship, that If I'm not enjoying just hanging out with him (doing yard work etc) that there is something basically wrong with the set up. This might apply to you also.

For me, it was easy to tell my guy that if he wanted to sit around and watch golf on TV on one of our few nice early spring days, I was going home and do outside things around my house-I only had a 40 minute drive though. And I haven't been back since either. He can watch golf without my company.

I suggest that you simply decline to make the drive next month and invite him to your place from now on...see what he says. If he won't come to you, then you have to make a decision about if you are going to dump him or not.

And as for the money he spends-really that hasn't anything to do with the other-I doubt you are asking for presents, right? These gifts are from his kindness-I sort of suspect they aren't guilt just from what you';ve said-but I could be wrong.

Were I you, I'd mention the eH account face to face, the next time I saw him but not make any effort to go to his place again until he comes to yours for the weekend. If he doesn't want to travel, then he isn't interested in spending the time with you or has become so used to you doing things at his convenience that it may take a 2x4 alongside the head to make him see how selfish that is.

In any case, I'll be interested in seeing what others have to say about this...

Best of Luck!
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #4  March 28,2010, 9:37pm

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bigfincat wrote :
He is not a giving person.

The gift giving is easy.

Everything has to be a convenience for HIM.

I would hold out for more.
I didn't see your comment prior to my post- but you have a great male perspective on this..one I hadn't thought of. You're right..giving a gift, when one has money, is a fairly easy thing to do.

It's giving of ones time that takes effort.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  March 29,2010, 7:19am
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I doubt these are gifts of guilt. If he is financially secure, then giving them to you is easy. I would say that if anything he is at least generous with you and that is not a bad quality in a person.

As for the driving thing. Well.....you did set that one up yourself. Personally, I love to drive and love to travel in general, so in a distance involved relationship, I will do 99% of the traveling. That is my choice and it sounds to me like you also willingly set that precedent because it was easier for you to travel than him. I bet that if you asked him point blank to come more often to you, he probably will be willing.

As for the EH thing....that would concern me. I would ask him flat out what the deal is with that. You know him better than we do. Is he likely to overlook a small charge on his credit card and just pay the total bill so that would be why he hasn't canceled? Just ask. You need to know the answer no matter what it may be.

Other things that concern me is that for as much time as you've spend over in his neck of the woods you've hardly met any of his friends and have never met his family. Two years is a long time for those thing not to happen, unless most of his friends and family live out of state.

As for asking about your family.... Again, you know him better than we do. Some people are just more reserved than others. It should not necessarily be an automatic presumption of lack of interest. I also wonder if maybe you invariably fill him plenty to where he feels he knows enough and no need to ask more.

Really the best that you can do is to communicate with him and express some of your concerns in a non-confrontational way and see what he says.
 
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Debrah49 is offline Debrah49 Post #6  March 30,2010, 6:08am
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Thank you all for your great input on this situation. I have a better idea of what to do/how to do it...

Debrah
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #7  March 30,2010, 9:48pm

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Hope you come back and let us know what happens.
 
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