Why do they only see a woman when they get needy?


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Amazon925 is offline Amazon925 Post #1  March 28,2010, 3:51pm
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A large portion of my friends are guys. I prefer them to other women because there is less drama and they are more interested in having a good time than talking about how fat they think they look. I have been one of the guys for so long that I think they don't even see a female in front of them anymore, until they get frustrated. Today, yet another of my guy friends asked me to relieve their sexual frustration, which has just confirmed my theory that men view me as attractive enough to sleep with, but not as a potential girlfriend. One of my friends told me that I need to change if I want a guy to see me as a woman who is looking for someone to be with. Is that true? Are there no men in the world who value a laid back girl who can not only be his woman, but kick back, play video games, and not bother him with a lot of the stupid stuff most girls worry about?

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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  March 28,2010, 4:58pm
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Honey, you need better friends. I have a lot of guy friends too, and always have, and not one of them would ever have dared approach me with that.

I can't answer if you need to change. I don't actually know you. I know that a lot of men appreciate a woman who is casual and laid-back, but they like a good dose of femininity thrown in now and then as well. You look cute, (though you are upside down and I can't see you that well) so perhaps you just need to start with a guy who isn't a buddy and who wants to date you.

Next time one of those guys who treat you like you're one of the guys asks you that insulting question, tell him it's one of the other guys' day to take care of him.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #3  March 28,2010, 5:10pm

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obviously they don't see you as one of the guys if they want to boink you. however, they do not see you as Girlfriend Material.

I wouldn't worry about it. guys will ask anyone for sex on the off chance someone will say yes.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  March 28,2010, 5:22pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
obviously they don't see you as one of the guys if they want to boink you. however, they do not see you as Girlfriend Material.

I wouldn't worry about it. guys will ask anyone for sex on the off chance someone will say yes.
This is true. At a certain age. However, if they're still doing this at my age, they pretty much go in the hopeless file.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  March 28,2010, 6:17pm
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I think these posts are a bit negative.

Drawing a sex partner from a group of friends is normal in university-age people. As is not forming long-term attachments.

An invitation to be a partner, when the invitee is known to be without a partner, is not a problem.

***

To the OP:

- Why are you upside down?

- If you want a more-committed relationship, I'd start with spending time with a different crowd. However, I am guessing you are young enough that making a commitment is unwise, anyway.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #6  March 28,2010, 7:02pm

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D_Lion wrote :
snip:

- Why are you upside down?

- If you want a more-committed relationship, I'd start with spending time with a different crowd. .
First-your comment is a real generalization that applies to the group of men you are hanging out with right now-not all guys. I worked for 35 years doing a traditionally male job around nothing but men and I got respect and reasonably good treatment from 90% of them because I wouldn't tolerate anything else. You get back what you put out-if you accept the remarks then they will continue.

I agree with D_L in the snipped comments..and also want to know why you are upside down.
And, about comment 2..you're not going to change their viewpoint now that you've let it ride, I suspect- so it's time to set a higher standard in friends.....as regards the current friends, if you don't wanted to be seen as a boink partner in the future, put a stop to the comments. Tell the guys it's not appreciated and not acceptable.

They will probably be clueless about the change and call you unflattering names but if it's your desire to be viewed differently you have to make your point.

You might need to find a more mature guy and totally change your social group to accomplish this..is it worth it to you? Or can you accept that your'e mostly one of the guys but have convenient parts that they would like to explore on occasion?

Times can be tough when you're young....you either accept the trash talk or dump your friends....hope you fill us in on your decision and action plan if you come up with one.
 
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cc1979 is offline cc1979 Post #7  March 28,2010, 7:49pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
I wouldn't worry about it. guys will ask anyone for sex on the off chance someone will say yes.
Oh so true!!!

But, to the OP:
I have a group of friends like this too, from college. Back then I was like you, the girl who could chill and play video games just like the guys, when I wanted to. And as we got older, they grew up, and I did end up developing a very good, long term relationship with one of them. It's more their age than anything else, I'm guessing, for why they're not looking for a relationship.

As for the offer: I've experienced this too and it could be taken in a couple of ways.
1. The guy might actually like you but be too immature (and insecure) to ask you out.
2. Take it as a joke and give a good one back - like the line from Little Blue Monkey. (It could be asked in a joking manner, as a friendly joke - guys are cruel to each other sometimes in their joking - even if there is always the guy's willingness to go for it in the off chance that you said yes. But I'm guessing he figures you'll say no.)
3. There is the friends with benefits view - it's more common these days, and for those who are okay with it, there's nothing wrong with it.

But some guys will always just be bonehead guys, and I have gotten this request even in my 30s. Ok, I've known the one's I'm talking about for about ten years, so I'm not offended, I know it's mostly meant as a joke (again, even if there is a small glimmer of hope in there). (My ex's brother, even when the ex and I were together and he was home, the brother would flirt with me. The ex didn't react, so I definitely worry about it. Sometimes the brother and I would team up, pretending to seriously flirt, etc, just to get a rise out of the ex. All fun, no lines crossed, no one got hurt.)

So, if you don't think they have anything more serious behind the offer, and you're not into FWB, just joke back in a moderately cruel fashion, especially if other guys are around, and there will be good laughs and the guy will get the hint, friendships maintained - at least from my experience.

If you want something more, like the others said, you'll have to go to another pool of candidates. There is nothing wrong with having multiple sets of friends with different interests, and one of those other groups of friends may provide better options to you.

Just my perspective - hope it helps!
Good luck and keep us updated on how life progresses!
 
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scandalous is offline scandalous Post #8  March 28,2010, 7:50pm
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Amazon925 wrote :
A large portion of my friends are guys. I prefer them to other women because there is less drama and they are more interested in having a good time than talking about how fat they think they look. I have been one of the guys for so long that I think they don't even see a female in front of them anymore, until they get frustrated. Today, yet another of my guy friends asked me to relieve their sexual frustration, which has just confirmed my theory that men view me as attractive enough to sleep with, but not as a potential girlfriend. One of my friends told me that I need to change if I want a guy to see me as a woman who is looking for someone to be with. Is that true? Are there no men in the world who value a laid back girl who can not only be his woman, but kick back, play video games, and not bother him with a lot of the stupid stuff most girls worry about?

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A large portion of my friends are guys as well. I've worked in male-dominated jobs most of my life, and like you, I tend to feel more comfortable around guys as friends, but I do have some really good, close girl friends, too.

If one of my guy friends ever suggested that I sleep with him, I would not even consider it and I would tell him so. I don't prefer to date guys that I go to school with or that I work with. I also don't sleep with guy friends, because they are friends and just that. If you don't like it that they see you that way, you ought to tell them.

Your friend is wrong to say that you should change if you expect to find a guy who will date you. First of all, don't ever change for anyone else. If you want to change for you, for your own reasons, then that is your choice. There is a guy out there that will accept you and appreciate you exactly as you are. You just haven't found him yet. I have a very good boyfriend, who makes me laugh a lot and I am happy with him. It took me a while to find him, actually when I wasn't expecting to, but I consider I'm very lucky.

I think most men would love a laid back girl. I think men like to be in relationships where it doesn't feel difficult or full of drama. It sounds like you need to draw the line with your guy friends. Let them know where the boundaries are. If they don't respect you, you'd probably have to re-think these friendships.

Good luck!
 
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bretagne89 is offline bretagne89 Post #9  March 30,2010, 5:39am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Honey, you need better friends. I have a lot of guy friends too, and always have, and not one of them would ever have dared approach me with that.

I can't answer if you need to change. I don't actually know you. I know that a lot of men appreciate a woman who is casual and laid-back, but they like a good dose of femininity thrown in now and then as well. You look cute, (though you are upside down and I can't see you that well) so perhaps you just need to start with a guy who isn't a buddy and who wants to date you.

Next time one of those guys who treat you like you're one of the guys asks you that insulting question, tell him it's one of the other guys' day to take care of him.
I agree. There are guys out there who can appreciate women who aren't drama-ridden girly-girls. I'd say the key to being "girlfriend material" is being your laid back self, but feminine as well. Essentially, guys won't get turned off by your playing video games, but they will get turned off if you partake in a burping contest.

And as for your friends: I have numerous male friends, and even though it might cross their mind, they know better than to ask me for sex. I think your friends have crossed a line.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #10  March 30,2010, 7:31am
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I think you're looking too far into this.

Many guys, when approached with sexual frustration, is looking for a fix. It is not you, it is your situation. You and your "friends" are that. Friends. You are available and from what it sounds like, close. And close enough that the friends feels comfortable enough to approach you with this kind of request. Its also a situation maybe that any kind of relationship will cause ripples through your circle of friends, that none of your friends really want. Also, your laid-backness may give the impression TO YOUR FRIENDS, that its okay to ask.

That being said, you don't need to change. I'm certain that there are guys out there who want you in a relationship capacity. But you will not find them by just hanging out with your circle of friends. You need to venture away from your circle of friends to find that mate. They can't start in your circle of friends, or it may never blossom to a true relationship. There is probably too much interconnection.
 
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