Can I get an old friend from years ago that I've found to become my life mate?


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Trego is offline Trego Post #1  March 26,2010, 7:45am
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Hey,

I need some advice. I know this girl, well, I knew her back in college. And we were friends, and I kindof had a crush on her, but never told her. Well, before I could, some other guy asked her out and she accepted. So I was shy about it. We were still friends though.
Anyway, I lost contact with her, we both moved away from that college. Now it's been years later, about nine years.
I've been able to travel a bit and do some things, but lately I was thinking I want to have someone to share it with. I thought about all the girls in my past, and she came to mind. So I searched for her on facebook. She added me, and her profile said she was single. I talked with her, and then she told me she has a boyfriend (not the same one as before though). I felt shy, but...
I went ahead and told her five days later (yesterday) about my feelings for her, how I loved her and wanted to be with her cause I saw her not just as a lover, but as someone I could be friends/companion with for all my life.
She hasn't written me back yet (yeah, well, it hasn't been that long since I wrote her it). Did I do the right thing? Right timing? What should I do next?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  March 26,2010, 10:29pm
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Trego wrote :
She hasn't written me back yet (yeah, well, it hasn't been that long since I wrote her it). Did I do the right thing? Right timing? What should I do next?
No, this was not the right thing to do. You freaked her out by dumping all this on her. I don't expect that she'll write you back. I'm guessing that your "talking" with her was all messages and IMs? It doesn't sound like you have met up.

Timing has nothing to do with it -- you never had a relationship, yet you her told that you loved her. That's way too much! Especially as she said she has a boyfriend -- she told you that she is emotionally involved with someone else.

Just because she hasn't indicated that she has a boyfriend on FB doesn't mean anything--a lot of people don't use FB as much as others do, especially to announce things like relationship status changes.

I'm not sure what you imagined would happen when you told a woman who is already in a relationship that you loved her when you never had a romantic relationship and haven't seen each other in 9 years. You were clearly building up some fantasy in your mind that is completely unrealistic.

What you should do next is work on yourself and having a realistic approach to dating. There is some sort of delusion if you think a woman is just going to drop a boyfriend because you tracked her down after nine years and confessed your love to her. I think you should consider talking about this with a therapist. Unless there is some possibility that she had some interest in you in the past, you have no chance of a relationship with this woman after what you did here. It's too creepy and a little stalkerish that you hunted her down on FB, then made this confession.

For future reference, if you really do cultivate a relationship with a woman you think you love, telling her is something to do in person, when you can look in her eyes and know she feels it too or might soon.
Last edited by MelinCali; March 27,2010 at 8:58am.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  March 27,2010, 7:45am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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Trego wrote :
She added me, and her profile said she was single. I talked with her, and then she told me she has a boyfriend (not the same one as before though).
Translation: "I may or may not be single, but I have no interest in you changing that situation".
Trego wrote :
I felt shy, but...
I went ahead and told her five days later (yesterday) about my feelings for her, how I loved her and wanted to be with her cause I saw her not just as a lover, but as someone I could be friends/companion with for all my life.

Did I do the right thing? Right timing?
Wow ...really? ...that's crazy - and I mean that in both the figurative and literal sense of the word.

Trego wrote :
What should I do next?
Seriously? ..."get professional help" comes to mind ...

*just walks away shaking his head*
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #4  March 27,2010, 9:01am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
Translation: "I may or may not be single, but I have no interest in you changing that situation".
You may be right. I hadn't considered that her stating that she had a boyfriend might have just been a brush off. It all depends on the "conversation" that lead up to it I suppose--if it didn't feel just like regular catching up with an old acquaintance and there was already a bit of a creepy vibe.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  March 27,2010, 11:01am
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I think the mistake you made was in assuming she's the same person she was 9 years ago. You know, if you met up, you might not be so entranced anymore. Or maybe you would be.

Put yourself in her place. You've had no contact for a long time, were never in a romance (from her point of view), she tells you she has a boyfriend, then out of the blue you tell her you love her? If this happened to me, I'd be put off by it. A lot.

A better approach would have been to view her as a new woman you're interested in, see if you could date her, see what happens.

I think you're in love with a fantasy perhaps?

As for what to do next ... the same thing everyone else who's single and looking does: look. Ask women out. Be open to new relationships.

Even if she answers back that she has some willingness to explore a relationship with you ... you need to get straight with yourself that you are not already in one with her, it's something you would need to develop, and it might not develop.

Good luck!
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #6  March 27,2010, 12:36pm
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Good posts above.

When I was just out of college, something vaguely like this happened to me. He was a friend of mine whom I saw every few weeks but gave no inkling of any interest in anything other than friendship: there was never any verbal expression of interest and we never touched physically in any way whatsoever. (I got more physical contact from my straight female and gay male friends!) His "confession letter of undying love" scared me to death, as did the threats that followed when his feelings when unrequited. The incident scarred me emotionally for years and is one of the reasons I remain a 44-year-old virgin.

It's too late for you to "unconfess." If she doesn't reply, please just leave her alone.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #7  March 28,2010, 1:43pm

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Apparently, with the social networking craze in full bloom, there been a lot of hooking up with sometimes decades old boyfriends.

Most of these new meetings end with one of the people saying "I can't believe I used to go out with that guy" or "I don't know what I expected, but she isn't the same woman she was in 1970".

Well, no duh!

You goofed, move on. There isn't any cure for your goof. Sorry!
 
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