Sex too soon. Is it too late?


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SunneeD is offline SunneeD Post #1  March 21,2010, 5:49pm
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So, I'll admit, I got wrapped up in the moment and I unfortunately had sex with my match on our first date! I really REALLY like him! Is it too late to "start over" so to speak? Have I already ruined it beyond repair?
 
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Sp3ctre is offline Sp3ctre Post #2  March 21,2010, 6:19pm
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Well that's a difficult question. Short answer... yes, way too fast!
Longer answer... people move at different paces depending on how the chemistry works. You typically would want to have an over-all understanding of the other persons intentions beforehand in order to steer clear of the one night stand types. So no... not totally beyond repair. Again, it depends on the intentions the two of you have for one another.

I'm personally a fan of 'slower is better'. I would never date a woman who would want to sleep with me on the first date, but again, that's just me. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

I'm not quite sure what you meen by "starting over". Unless you both came to the conclusion (beforehand) that you will be seeing each other again, then it could really be up-in-the-air, so to speak.

There's really not one answer that can sufficiently cover this, or make you feel any better about it for that matter. Do you understand his intentions, or did you go over them at all? I'm going to assume your intentions are to continue to see him. Based upon your statement that you "REALLY" like him the two of you just got caught up in the moment and let your burning chemistry take it's natural course... even if it may have been a little too soon.
Last edited by Sp3ctre; March 21,2010 at 6:47pm.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  March 21,2010, 6:22pm
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I don't think it's beyond repair, but it's awfully difficult to go back from that point.

I can just answer if it were me in that situation.

If I really liked the guy, and assuming that he contacted me again (I would not, I repeat, not be initiating contact at all whatsoever at this point) and if he called me, not just to chit chat but for another date, I would explain to him what you said here That you got "caught up" and that you don't ordinarily have sex on the first date, and while you acknowledge that it is unusual, you want to wait for continued intimacy.

Unless you just want to continue to have sex with the guy (which wouldn't be an option for me) then I guess thats okay too but thats not what I get from your post

Not knowing anything else about the relationship there is a chance that he will disappear after your explanation on how you want to go forward, which is okay. It just saves you time spent with someone that is either whiny and doesnt respect your wishes or only wanted sex.
 
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COUNRYISCOOL is offline COUNRYISCOOL Post #4  March 21,2010, 6:32pm
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Our first date was the drive in. He said I'd like to take you home tonight.

I said NO WAY!
Well I ended up staying the entire weekend!
Did I enjoy it? Yes it was the first time
in many,many years.
After things slowed down....he would throw it in my face!
I ended it because he was too controlling. I was afraid of him, kinda!
Bad, quick temper.
Lesson learned the HARD WAY!
Next guy-no drive-in...
dinner and movie
I'm still waiting for my TRACE ADKINS look alike in Pennsylvania!
I do see Trace as often as I can in concert. I also get as close as I can too.
Last concert Feb 2010 I had 3rd row seats, didn't need a camera...I never took my eyes off of him!
What a perfect man! Yes I know he's happily married, I don't want any married man....
it's just that Trace is so HOT!
Honkytonkbadonkadonk!!
 
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SunneeD is offline SunneeD Post #5  March 21,2010, 7:03pm
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Okay...that helps. But, it does get worse! I can tell he's VERY sexually driven! And I've mentioned it to him. He says it's because it has been SO long since he's had sex. He and I seem to have A LOT in common, and we've both been divorced for about six months. We've seen eachother 3 times in the last week and have had sex every time. In the last couple of days I feel like he's becoming distant. I don't want the sexual side to continue until the emotional side catches up, if that makes sense. I'm just afraid that at this point it may be impossible. He did say after the second night that he did not want a serious relationship at this point, because he wanted to focus on his kids. I have kids too and so I told him that I understand. I also explained that we don't have to even involve the kids at this point and that there was no need unless we were to get more serious. I stressed the fact that I'm not one to date around nor am I one to sleep around. But, in my opinion "not serious" could mean many things. Not serious could mean, I just don't have a lot of free time right now so I can't be spending all of my time with someone, which I completely understand. This is what I understood him to mean. But, can you be exclusive but not serious? I could see a future with this guy and I'm just not willing to continue to make choices that may ruin that. Should I talk to him and be straight forward about it, or should I just leave it alone all together? Should I just wait to see where it goes...should I quit trying to contact him. Should I let him initiate all the contacting? If so, for how long?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  March 21,2010, 7:21pm
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SunneeD wrote :
Okay...that helps. But, it does get worse! I can tell he's VERY sexually driven! And I've mentioned it to him. He says it's because it has been SO long since he's had sex. He and I seem to have A LOT in common, and we've both been divorced for about six months. We've seen eachother 3 times in the last week and have had sex every time. In the last couple of days I feel like he's becoming distant. I don't want the sexual side to continue until the emotional side catches up, if that makes sense. I'm just afraid that at this point it may be impossible. He did say after the second night that he did not want a serious relationship at this point, because he wanted to focus on his kids. I have kids too and so I told him that I understand. I also explained that we don't have to even involve the kids at this point and that there was no need unless we were to get more serious. I stressed the fact that I'm not one to date around nor am I one to sleep around. But, in my opinion "not serious" could mean many things. Not serious could mean, I just don't have a lot of free time right now so I can't be spending all of my time with someone, which I completely understand. This is what I understood him to mean. But, can you be exclusive but not serious? I could see a future with this guy and I'm just not willing to continue to make choices that may ruin that. Should I talk to him and be straight forward about it, or should I just leave it alone all together? Should I just wait to see where it goes...should I quit trying to contact him. Should I let him initiate all the contacting? If so, for how long?
Not serious means that he is only in it for the sex. Its all he wants from a relationship right now, which probably also means that he doesn't feel any obligation to you.

If you are looking for a serious relationship, I would end this one now. He won't change his mind because you are so great. It's where his head is at right now. Thats it.

He SHOULD have told you before you had sex the first time so you had the opportunity to make a decision about it. Water under the bridge.
 
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DrTonya is offline DrTonya Post #7  March 21,2010, 7:23pm
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SunneeD wrote :
Okay...that helps. But, it does get worse! I can tell he's VERY sexually driven! And I've mentioned it to him. He says it's because it has been SO long since he's had sex. He and I seem to have A LOT in common, and we've both been divorced for about six months. We've seen eachother 3 times in the last week and have had sex every time. In the last couple of days I feel like he's becoming distant. I don't want the sexual side to continue until the emotional side catches up, if that makes sense. I'm just afraid that at this point it may be impossible. He did say after the second night that he did not want a serious relationship at this point, because he wanted to focus on his kids. I have kids too and so I told him that I understand. I also explained that we don't have to even involve the kids at this point and that there was no need unless we were to get more serious. I stressed the fact that I'm not one to date around nor am I one to sleep around. But, in my opinion "not serious" could mean many things. Not serious could mean, I just don't have a lot of free time right now so I can't be spending all of my time with someone, which I completely understand. This is what I understood him to mean. But, can you be exclusive but not serious? I could see a future with this guy and I'm just not willing to continue to make choices that may ruin that. Should I talk to him and be straight forward about it, or should I just leave it alone all together? Should I just wait to see where it goes...should I quit trying to contact him. Should I let him initiate all the contacting? If so, for how long?
I appears from the above that all he is looking for at the moment is a sexual/casual relationship. He is not being vague or ambiguous at all. "Not serious" generally means that he wants to continue to be physically intimate with you without investing too much into the emotional side.

You need to decide for yourself if you are comfortable with basically engaging in a FWB situation or if you want more. If you want more you likely need to end it. He is not going to change his mind and one day wake up and decide he wants a more serious relationship with you. Sorry .
Last edited by DrTonya; March 21,2010 at 7:25pm. Reason: Did not see Nanette's response before posting...appears we both are saying the same thing.
 
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SunneeD is offline SunneeD Post #8  March 21,2010, 7:45pm
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That's a hard realization to swallow. But, I think you may be right! But, one last question. When we were talking on the phone, before we ever met...he asked the kind of questions one might ask if they were interested in a relationship. Like, would you ever consider moving or do you want anymore children, we even discussed beliefs and finances. If all he was interested in was sex, why would he ask, why would he even care?
 
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DrTonya is offline DrTonya Post #9  March 21,2010, 7:56pm
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SunneeD wrote :
That's a hard realization to swallow. But, I think you may be right! But, one last question. When we were talking on the phone, before we ever met...he asked the kind of questions one might ask if they were interested in a relationship. Like, would you ever consider moving or do you want anymore children, we even discussed beliefs and finances. If all he was interested in was sex, why would he ask, why would he even care?
Well.... Would you have gone to meet him if he asked you a ton of questions regarding sex on the phone beforehand? Or if the conversation centered on how sexually starved he was?

My guess...which is all any of us can offer here given that we do not know your guy...is that he was looking for general compatibility. He could have been looking for a relationship initially and then changed his mind. He also could have been caught up in the moment on the first date and once you both were intimate he realized that he did not need to be in a serious relationship to reap the physical benefits.

There's no real answer here. You should, however, talk to him. You can also agree to have another date with him - but do not sleep with him and see if he calls again to arrange a subsequent date. If he insists on sex, you will have your answer. Do not make the mistake of expecting him to one day wake up and "change" what he wants. He's been pretty clear that he does not want to have a serious relationship with you for whatever reason; now you need to look deep within yourself to see if you can accept that. If you cannot, do yourself a favor and stop sleeping with him. You will only feel worse about it all once you realize that he is choosing to only have a physical relationship with you.

Sorry. I do wish you the best of luck.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  March 22,2010, 7:34am
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SunneeD wrote :
That's a hard realization to swallow. But, I think you may be right! But, one last question. When we were talking on the phone, before we ever met...he asked the kind of questions one might ask if they were interested in a relationship. Like, would you ever consider moving or do you want anymore children, we even discussed beliefs and finances. If all he was interested in was sex, why would he ask, why would he even care?
He wasn't being sincere. It wouldn't be the first time.

Either that, or he decided that he wasn't that interested in you in particular, and it's his way of saying that if you're game for sex only, no commitment, then so is he.
 
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