califloridan is offline califloridan Post #1  March 20,2010, 10:12pm
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Hi Everyone....I would really like some input on my first EH meeting last night. Please and Thank you.

First of all, I didn't really get to know the match too much via email and we didn't speak on the phone first. After reading a ton of posts on here that kept saying meet sooner rather than later I thought I was making a good choice....NOT! lol

So I meet this guy at a local bar and we play pool. It was a little seedy but not so much to ruin anything. I knew he was shy, he mentioned it 3 times in his profile, so I epected it. He kept turning his back to me and talking so I had to keep repositioning myself to hear him. He didn't smile or laugh hardly at all. That being said he was nice and a gentleman. I wanted to buy the second round of drinks and he said no, I didn't really like that, we had agreed to go dutch which I prefer. He came off as very beaten down by life and said all he does is work and didn't ever really try to change that behavior.

Long story short. I knew after 2 hours that he would not be someone I would choose to be friends with let alone anything more. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, he was a nice guy. So I made the excuse that I needed to get home to my kids. I thanked him for a nice time and was on my way. He started texting me after I left. After about 6 texts back and forth he said I was dishonest and I hurt his feelings for making up an excuse and he was taking it very personal. I don't have much dating experiance. I was married 10 years and my husband died 3 1/2 years ago. And this was my first real attempt at a date. I felt really bad that he was so upset, I wasn't mean to him. I smiled the whole time and really tried to get to know him but he wasn't giving me much to work with. Any ideas, thoughts, critisisims, etc would be helpful.
 
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alittledistraction is offline alittledistraction Post #2  March 20,2010, 11:18pm
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oh what fun :)

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I think you dodged a bullet with this one. You went on one date, it was only two hours, you decided it wasn't going to work out so you politely thanked him and went on your way. You owe him nothing more than that. It sounds like you tried and were open to him but for various reasons he was not a good match for you.

I'm wondering if perhaps there was a chance you might have accidently led him on somehow? Maybe led him to believe that there would be more dates to come? If you had, though I doubt it was on purpose, I could see him feeling a bit put off. Of course some people think that just being polite is showing interest though.

He sounds like he has his own emotional stuff that he has to deal with, and better he do that on his own for now. You want and deserve someone who is emotionally healthy. I'm not sure if you could have sorted that out more if you had emailed or talked beforehand? I usually try to meet sooner than later, sometimes you can have great computer/phone/text chemistry and in person it totally fizzles. I find it extremely frustrating to feel a connection to someone, especially if it has taken days/weeks/months to build up, and have it die the moment I meet the person for whatever reason. Trial and error I guess...Sorry your date was a bust and best of luck for the future!
Last edited by alittledistraction; March 20,2010 at 11:30pm.
 
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Careless_Memories is offline Careless_Memories Post #3  March 21,2010, 6:51am
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There is no tried and true reasoning for getting to a first date. So many say meet quick, skip the penpal antics, but there doesn't necessarily have to be a month of writing and phone calls. Some matches require a little more "get to know you" time before a meet, others can give off a quick spark and that's the only thing you WANT to do is meet.

I was always the type to go a little slow and get to know a match a little bit before meeting in person. Those dates have gone infinitely better than once that were rushed and usually ended up in more than once date.

The gentleman I am currently seeing, we talked for almost a month before we met just because of the sheer nuttiness of our schedules.

Do what feels right to you on a match by match basis. I think the guy mentioned in your post still has some growing up or healing to do for whatever reasons.
Don't let it get you down.


Good luck!
Last edited by Careless_Memories; March 21,2010 at 6:52am. Reason: typos
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  March 21,2010, 6:57am
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I'm assuming you do have kids, so your excuse for ending the evening was truth.

I think, short of obvious deception, calling a stranger on behavior based on what we hope and expect is almost always a mistake. That he did so indicates more of an issue with him than with you.

Now, if someone said "I have to get home to my kids" and I saw them sharing dessert with someone in a cafe an hour later, that is obvious deception. Still, even in that case, I would simply end contact and move on. Again, that he didn't, and without any obvious provocation from you, indicates more of an issue on his side than on yours.

You'll meet all kinds. I have. There are the guys who are talking marriage on a first date. The ones who talk about their sexual preferences on a first date. There are some who will make it a point to tell you every wrong, real and imagined, every woman has ever done them. There are also very good men with whom there just won't be that mutual attraction, or sometimes who are just at different stages in their lives.

You put yourself out there and you had a less than stellar date with someone you don't care to see again. It happens more often than not. It's a shame he couldn't be gracious about it, but it's better to know that now than later, eh?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  March 21,2010, 7:13am
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So, you lied and he got mad at you for lying! Jeez. I would have been mad, too. (Though, of course, since women lie about their interest more often than not, it's the honest one who is noteworthy.)

If he were here asking, my comment would have been "get used to it."

Having spent two hours sounds sufficient not to continue, so I can't see anything more you could have done on that front.

In my practice, when I don't want to see someone again, I make that clear at the end of the meeting. I would never imply I was interested in another meeting when I am not, and I would never make up a reason for leaving. There is no shame or blame in finding that a match is not going to be compatible.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #6  March 21,2010, 7:15am
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This dating thing ain't easy, is it?
First off, you just didn't click with the guy..it happens.
Sounds like you did all you could to at least make it bearable, for both of you..

You do know that the risk of using the ole'... "gee, uh...what time is it??...gotta get home to my kids" line (probably one of the most used lines by a single mom, also) also runs the risk of hurting the guy's feelings....
Yup, an oldie but a goodie....

But, he should have recognized this as a clear sign you wanted to cut it short, and get out of there.
It is, as they say, "what it is."
He certainly didn't need to be calling you out on that.
I've been around long enough that I recognize that line for what it is...an attempt to get out of the date early.
I'm just not the type that wants to make someone feel more uncomfortable than what they are already.
There's just no point in it, AFAIC.

Welcome to the dating world.....truly a game of numbers.
Last edited by TheThinker; March 21,2010 at 7:21am.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #7  March 21,2010, 7:45am
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D_Lion wrote :
So, you lied and he got mad at you for lying! Jeez. I would have been mad, too. (Though, of course, since women lie about their interest more often than not, it's the honest one who is noteworthy.)

If he were here asking, my comment would have been "get used to it."

Having spent two hours sounds sufficient not to continue, so I can't see anything more you could have done on that front.

In my practice, when I don't want to see someone again, I make that clear at the end of the meeting. I would never imply I was interested in another meeting when I am not, and I would never make up a reason for leaving. There is no shame or blame in finding that a match is not going to be compatible.

I don't really see where she lied nor do I see where she implied interest in another meeting.

Not every date requires a detailed deconstruction. The art of social grace is being able to read social cues as well as direct communication. A lack of interest in future contact could as easily have been made by saying no to another date when he asked. Saying this face to face at the end of a first (and painfully bad) date is not a requirement for honesty.

I would, in fact, advise women against doing this with a stranger, particularly in a venue where they don't know anyone. Now, if a man asked "Would you like to go out again next week?" I would probably say no and explain provided I felt comfortable with both the man and the environment, but I would probably not do so if I didn't feel absolutely secure in both. There are safety issues to consider when you're meeting strangers in strange places.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; March 21,2010 at 7:54am.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #8  March 21,2010, 8:52am
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Sorry your meeting didn't turn out. As someone wrote above, this ain't easy. Live and learn.

But what have you learned?

You seem to regret that you didn't spend more time in email on the phone. But take a minute and think about this. How would you have used email or the phone to prevent this bad date? I just don't see how you can. If you start using eH or the phone to find reasons to screen out people... indeed, it you start out assuming you don't want to meet someone and you require "proof" that someone is worth meeting at all... you will end up screening out many good ones. This is a bad attitude to have. So I hope this experience doesn't turn into "baggage" that your future matches will have to deal with. There are so many things that you can truly only learn by meeting in person.

You may also want to think about the length of your meeting. This is why the so-called "coffee date" works so well. Or any planned activity with a time limit built in, like a walk around a park. 2 hours is too long to spend with a date when you can tell it's gone bad in the first 5 minutes.

Lastly, you may want to protect your phone number, email address, home address, etc. until after a meeting or two. Then you don't have to worry about nagging calls or texts.

Good luck and stay positive.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  March 21,2010, 10:56am
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I dont think your mistake was in meeting quickly, I think it was in not talking on the phone. This might have revealed some of the attitude that you say he seemed to have or his being "beaten down".

I say next time talk to them on the phone, meet them right away, and tell them specifically when you don't feel chemistry.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  March 21,2010, 10:57am
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Yeah and what melman said. Short first meetings are usually best. I limit mine to an hour no matter what I never extend them
 
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