crashnburn is offline crashnburn Post #1  March 19,2010, 3:09pm
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I've been dating a guy for about 2 months - we are both divorced - he has kids and shares custody. He seems interested and keen.

But there are times I feel he is being secretive and I am unsure of whether I am being overly suspicious or whether he is being secretive. For example, I will tell him my plans - things like tomorrow nite I am going to the movies with Jane . He will tell me if he has his children but for other outings he will just say he is going out and later he'll mention that his friend was a she in conversation but never a name.

I'll talk about my friends by name - but he'll mostly refer to them by something descriptive about them like "my polish friend."

I think some of this is normal - but some of it makes me think he may be still dating other people - and I guess we may not have clearly drawn that line yet.... Am I being overly suspicious?

Should I bring it up with him? Is it a red flag?
 
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cleanslate is offline cleanslate Post #2  March 19,2010, 4:22pm
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You can't be overly suspicious until you have a "right" to be...and until you and he clearly define your relationship, you don't have that right. Talk to him about exclusivity. If he agrees to being exclusive with you, and then his current behavior continues, at that point that will be a red flag and you will have a right to be suspicious. Until then, he's within his rights to keep his private life private.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  March 19,2010, 4:28pm
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You are overly suspicious if you are suspecting someone of something that is not a negotiated agreement.

If clear dating exclusivity is what you want (and this is reasonable at two months, in my opinion), have you asked for this?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  March 19,2010, 4:37pm
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crashnburn wrote :
I've been dating a guy for about 2 months - we are both divorced - he has kids and shares custody. He seems interested and keen.

But there are times I feel he is being secretive and I am unsure of whether I am being overly suspicious or whether he is being secretive. For example, I will tell him my plans - things like tomorrow nite I am going to the movies with Jane . He will tell me if he has his children but for other outings he will just say he is going out and later he'll mention that his friend was a she in conversation but never a name.

I'll talk about my friends by name - but he'll mostly refer to them by something descriptive about them like "my polish friend."

I think some of this is normal - but some of it makes me think he may be still dating other people - and I guess we may not have clearly drawn that line yet.... Am I being overly suspicious?

Should I bring it up with him? Is it a red flag?
I think might be. I'm that vague with people I don't know very well and am not in frequent contact with, not someone that I consider at least somewhat an intimate.

Whether its an issue imo depends on where you are at with physical intimacy in the relationship, and I would be weirded out if he were still dating others and we were getting busy on the couch together (even if there wasn't sex) unless it was clearly stated that one was dating others.

I would do one of two things:

ask
see him less and be more vague with him. you are probably telling him with whom at least partly to say "i'm not dating others" which might be why you think he is not disclosing who exactly he is seeing because he isn't disclosing.
Last edited by Nanette; March 19,2010 at 4:39pm. Reason: lol the last line is confusing but its funny so i'm leaving it
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #5  March 19,2010, 6:41pm
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Why do you expect him to report all his activities to you as if you were his mother and he was 10?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  March 20,2010, 6:25am
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mrflyer wrote :
Why do you expect him to report all his activities to you as if you were his mother and he was 10?
I think a general expectation in any genuine relationship is that both people will be transparent in their activities. It's the only way trust is built.

The problem seems to be that the OP is assuming they are in a relationship when, in fact, she has not confirmed this.

The other - assuming that if you are revealing details the other person will - this is just a trait of communication that women engage in more frequently than men. If a female friend reveals something personal in detail, I tend to match that detail of revelation. But assuming that someone will communicate the same way you do is a mistake. There are all sorts of communication styles. Figuring out the other person's style and working with that is more useful than assuming they communicate the same way you do.

Personally, I would probably pass on a man who, after this much time, was being less than transparent in his behaviors and was being this slow about stating his intentions with me (and then doing the things that validate those intentions) but that's just me. It certainly isn't a model everyone should follow. I do think it's time for a serious conversation here, though.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; March 20,2010 at 6:52am.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  March 20,2010, 10:00am
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"Suspicious" makes it sound like you think he should not be dating other women but that he probably is ... like he's doing something bad.

But if you haven't established with him that you're in an exclusive relationship, he is free to date other women.

I get the sense that you want exclusivity but are afraid to ask for it? Is that right? Probably you have to ask, or live with not-knowing.
 
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CaramelsYummy is offline CaramelsYummy Post #8  March 20,2010, 10:18am
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crashnburn wrote :
I've been dating a guy for about 2 months - we are both divorced - he has kids and shares custody. He seems interested and keen.

But there are times I feel he is being secretive and I am unsure of whether I am being overly suspicious or whether he is being secretive. For example, I will tell him my plans - things like tomorrow nite I am going to the movies with Jane . He will tell me if he has his children but for other outings he will just say he is going out and later he'll mention that his friend was a she in conversation but never a name.

I'll talk about my friends by name - but he'll mostly refer to them by something descriptive about them like "my polish friend."

I think some of this is normal - but some of it makes me think he may be still dating other people - and I guess we may not have clearly drawn that line yet.... Am I being overly suspicious?

Should I bring it up with him? Is it a red flag?
It's sounds like him, he still is guarded (some fallout from divorce perhaps? Is he newly divorced?) If you like him, keep dating him. Don't make an issue of it yet. Where it might be "both him and you" The two of you are not on the same page with where the relationship is going. It sounds like it's not going forward at the speed you want it to, and he wants it at the pace he has set. If you guys make it to the three month mark, maybe you should attempt to gently ask him about "exclusivity" if that is a concern for you, because time's a wastin'-- You don't want to be wondering these kinds of things and you've been with him for a whole year, do you? If he doesn't want to be exclusive, then avail yourself of your other options, as well.
 
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crashnburn is offline crashnburn Post #9  March 21,2010, 1:04am
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Hi and thanks for all posts - (overall - it sounds like I am a tad overly suspicious and yes all the comments especially those about communication styles were really helpful) i had previoulsy touched with him on exclusivity and after a our *talk* today he said that is where he is and has been - I didn't press him about details of past events as that may be his way and maybe now when a query comes up I can casually ask - rather than fret. T

This has really been a great help - thanks!!
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #10  March 21,2010, 11:57am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
I think a general expectation in any genuine relationship is that both people will be transparent in their activities. It's the only way trust is built.
So you expect your dates to account for every minute of their time that wasn't spent with you?
 
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