Guy late to the dating world needs advice on women


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joystickd is offline joystickd Post #1  March 13,2010, 8:06am
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About 4 years ago i became friends with a coworker. We talked about everything like her wanting to leave her husband and me and my issues. Later on we got close. She became the first person i was ever intimate with. I know she was married, but in my mind i wanted to be friends but when we got closer i starting falling in love wtih her. I told her that i liked her and we got closer, but she eventually said she just wanted to be friends. I understood the situation but i still got mad because i was so tired of hearing "oh i just want to be friends". I have heard that since i started getting interested in women. Then one day we talked and she asked me to be honest about how I feel. I told her i love her. we started getting close again. then i got another job. i would go visit her at her job and she even got me a gift once. The people out there kept telling me things about her like she was having sex with someone out there. I got mad because i kept hearing it i didn't know if it was true or not. She said it didn't happen and he wasnt her type. she got mad because those same people said i was going around asking which wasnt true. I eventually found someone else, but she talked to that girlfriend. My girlfriend became so jealous. She cheated on me. I felt bad because I was still in love with the other person and i was with my girlfriend because she reminded me so much of that woman. Lately its has been so hard for me to meet and talk to other women. I am still in love with that woman and have been single for 2 years. I am still friends and talk to that woman. I have accepted that it will only be friends. I want to know what's wrong with me. I still in the back of my mind hope this person will be with me. I feel bad because I was so late to falling in love and having a girlfriend. I was 25 when that happened. What should I do? I am so confused and frustrated
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  March 13,2010, 11:25am
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If you keep getting involved with abusive people, you're going to keep getting abused.

A person cheating to be with you is a dangerous person, one you do not want to be with. You need to walk away, completely and irreversibly, from every such person.
 
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joystickd is offline joystickd Post #3  March 13,2010, 11:26am
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it hard to because i love this person so much
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  March 13,2010, 12:24pm
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That's not love. That's obsession.

Love includes respect. She didn't respect her vows to her husband. She didn't respect her relationship to you, and she didn't respect your relationship with your new girlfriend.

And you were a little short on the respect scale as well.

Love also involves responsibility. I'm not going to enumerate the ways this whole scenario was irresponsble to all the unknowing parties.

If you need help defining and recognizing love, consider counseling. There are also excellent reading sources out there that can get you started. What you are experiencing here is the adrenalin rush of both desire and drama. These are not love.
 
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joystickd is offline joystickd Post #5  March 13,2010, 12:53pm
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never got an adreniline rush from this situation. I don't consider myself obsessed. as of now i barely even talk to the woman.
 
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VolGal is offline VolGal Post #6  March 13,2010, 1:01pm
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joystickd wrote :
never got an adreniline rush from this situation. I don't consider myself obsessed. as of now i barely even talk to the woman.
But, hey, dude, you are posting here and talking with us about her and it's been - what - two years and you still can't stop thinking about her and what "might have been"?

Everyone else is right. I have a perspective on this because I have been a divorce attorney for more than 20 years. If she still hasn't left her husband for you, she won't and never intended to. YOU will always be the third wheel in that relationship.

Now, of course, if you enjoy being the third wheel and never having anything just alone to yourself, then by all means keep pining away. Otherwise, drop it, reconcile yourself that this is a relationship that you will never know what could have been (that "unknown unknown" in your life), paper over the hole with some beer or tequila, and please MOVE ON.

I really hate to be harsh. But everyone else is right.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #7  March 13,2010, 1:05pm
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joystickd wrote :
never got an adreniline rush from this situation. I don't consider myself obsessed. as of now i barely even talk to the woman.
No. You don't consider yourself obsessed. You consider yourself in love. You chose another woman for how much she reminded you of this one. You allowed your obsession with the first woman to ruin whatever possibility you may have had (slim) with the second one. You probably don't consider any of your previous choices as unwise.

So, why are you asking for advice if everything you're doing is working so well for you?
 
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joystickd is offline joystickd Post #8  March 13,2010, 1:13pm
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I guess I am. I thought something like this would never happen to me. Only things I do now is go to school. I went back to be a nurse and sit in my room all day. when the second girl cheated on me i lost my job a month later. i have been depressed every since. I went back to school and it has helped. Its always been hard for me to talk to people in general. Damn I never thought i would be like this
 
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joystickd is offline joystickd Post #9  March 13,2010, 1:20pm
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So what do I do now? i feel bad now knowing that i have been in denial for so long.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #10  March 13,2010, 2:05pm
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Get to the root of it.

Get a deeper understanding of why you have made the poor choices that you've made with women so you can learn how to recognize and avoid them in the future.

Learn to change your way of thinking about your former coworker so when she pops into your thoughts, you can stop those thoughts and redirect your thinking in a healthier direction.

Address your depression, which is apparently severe enough to affect your daily life and ability to fulfill your responsibilities.

The best way to do this is with a qualified therapist, preferably a clinical psychologist trained in cognitive-behavioral therapy. You may also want/need to try some medication to deal with your depression (if a mental health professional believes that this is warranted). Start by checking in with student health services to see what is available to you (believe me, you will be far from the first person they've seen presenting the kinds of problems you have).

The fact that you are starting to see that you are experiencing some problems -- and that you don't want things to continue as they are -- is a good first step. Now keep going in that direction so you can be in a much better state of mind for falling in love with a young woman who is both emotionally health and available to you.

Best of luck to you.
 
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