Friend into a Relationship, Calamity or Victory?


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Yeti is offline Yeti Post #1  March 12,2010, 1:10pm
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My issue is between friendship or relationship. I'll take what I can get with this one.

I have been friends with someone I'm attracted to going on 12 years. In the beginning of our friendship, we were both involved with other people, but would do things with each other as friends(as far as I knew). Going for coffee, a breakfast, a concert, maybe a movie we were both interested in. As time went on both of us in and out of relationships, I realized she was the main person in my life, that was there for me, that didn't change.

Years went by, I began to feel differently about her. She has meant so much to me, that whenever we got together it's as if the rest of the world didn't exist. No matter what my problems were, I became relaxed and composed around her. It was as if for these several times a month I could breathe as if I just woke up from the perfect nights rest. At this point I stopped dating and was waiting for her to feel the same, hopefully someday.

8 years had gone by in the blink of an eye and there was a moment when she became single and I was still waiting. I felt that I knew I had to say something, yet I knew I should wait. I paused, 3 months, before I talked myself into expressing my true feelings towards her. It didn't go well...

As I expected from the worst end of this, I wouldn't hear from her for some time. 6 months past and she began emailing me again and soon to follow were telephone calls. At least our friendship had resumed and I could breathe again.

About a year after "the incident" she asked if she could be on my coed quads volleyball team, containing my best friend, his wife, and my ex(from years earlier). All parties knew the situation, and friends being friends, said it was up to me. I told them, "at least we can get rid of my ex!"
Since then, we've been playing together For two years and the friendship is better than ever. After volleyball one night I spoke of going snowboarding if anybody was interested. She exuded excitement at the learning opportunity. So I told her to pick sometime when she wanted to go...

After a couple of weeks she let me know when...
She had picked Valentine's Day weekend. Which should mean nothing to me, but can mean so much more to some other people. I had never heard her speak, ill or will, of the day, as so many women do. It had not my place to be involved in her's for so many years.
The weekend went well, snowboarding/skiing, sharing a hot tub with about 25 others and a swimming pool with about 40 kids doing cannonballs, the 4-5 hours of driving each way was even a lot of fun.
That's not sarcasm, it just appears to be. After sharing a bed I did learn one thing about her,… she gives out her email address and driving directions in her sleep, kind of cute funny and also good for a laugh. On the way back we stopped for dinner at the Texas Roadhouse, I had forgot it was V-day. She got a rose from the hostess and I got uncomfortable. It was a nice dinner, no matter what day it was.

I spend so much time on that event because it is the event that confuses me most and is fairly recent. We have gone to dinners and movies many times since then. And, I know my feelings for her haven't changed, I just keep them to myself. I don't want to lose her as a friend and I would assume she would tell me if she felt differently, seeing as how I have already told her, albeit 3 years ago now.

I would appreciate anyone’s suggestions on this boisterous roller-coaster set of experiences that I find myself so amused and so disturbed by, at the same time.

It bears repeating...
I would rather be her friend than nothing to her at all. At least I will be able to breathe.
Last edited by Yeti; March 12,2010 at 3:09pm.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #2  March 12,2010, 1:27pm
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Saddly to say. I have never been there. But I just wonder if she would just let you go and visa versa, you wouldnt be able to find someone else? Seems your locked into a type of pergatory.
 
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Yeti is offline Yeti Post #3  March 12,2010, 2:32pm
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Tell you what..., if she got married, and not to me,.. I'd..

Cross that bridge when I gOt to it. I'd say it's a crush but other crushes have lasted only a couple of weeks to a couple of months. I'm going on 12 years...

I have grown to feel comfortable living alone. And, even more comfortable when shes around. I've never..
I'm hopeless, I know that for sure.

I read another guys predicament from a year or two ago. had this "Valentine's Day Bottle" Sounded like me back in '06. Only a little more over the top.
 
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Mr79percent is offline Mr79percent Post #4  March 12,2010, 2:46pm
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This is why it's hard to be friends with someone you are attracted to. She is enjoying all the benefits of your friendship and continues on in life, you are stuck in purgatory. I have a friend like that but I've only known her for 2 years, she is way different from me and younger, and lives in a different city so I only see 4 or 5 times a year. Thankfully I don't spend that much time around her so I don't get hung up on her, but this summer she wants to come with me to Vancouver..and I'm freaking about about it. I kind of view her like the "sun", if I only spend a small amount of time around her all I get a nice healthy tan. A week in Vancouver is going to burn me to a crisp I fear.
 
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Yeti is offline Yeti Post #5  March 12,2010, 3:29pm
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I was fine laying it all out there. It's something that had to be done. What makes me think differently, about the situation, is she hasn't dated anyone for the last year or so.

I wrote that "letter in a bottle" like the other guy. Moreover just stated I would have liked to ask her out but it always seemed like she was just going from rebound to rebound. I told her I didn't want to be one.

I don't know, I'm still building myself up, I think. Only difference is that it's not me asking her all of the time now, and a couple of times a week. like drinks tonight, its good conversation at least.

It's just different, altogether. I'll be there for her while I shoot myself in the foot.


I can see how different your situation is. I'd hate to go on a weeks vacation with someone I thought or hoped it might happen. Only to have them tag along and hook up with some stranger, and ruin my vacation, and my expectations. If that is your situation. I guess that's what it boils down to.. expectations,
but tonight drinks!!
Good luck with Vancouver, it's soo beautiful.
Last edited by Yeti; March 12,2010 at 3:31pm.
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #6  March 12,2010, 5:34pm
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Have you asked her why she isn't dating someone and hasn't for the past year? I wonder what her answer would be if you asked. Have you dated anyone in the past three years?

I think I would ask about why she isn't dating now and see if that leads to the topic of the two of you. I understand about not wanting to lose her but it would be nice to know how she feels. I wonder what she is thinking in spending that amount of time with you (and being in the same bed) about how you feel. Not a slam on her but if I thought a guy felt like that for me I wouldn't want for him to feel uncomfortable if I couldn't return the same feelings.

Let us know how things go no matter what. Best of luck, I really do understand how you feel.
 
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ltldab64 is offline ltldab64 Post #7  March 12,2010, 7:18pm
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Yeti wrote :
My issue is between friendship or relationship. I'll take what I can get with this one.

I have been friends with someone I'm attracted to going on 12 years. In the beginning of our friendship, we were both involved with other people, but would do things with each other as friends(as far as I knew). Going for coffee, a breakfast, a concert, maybe a movie we were both interested in. As time went on both of us in and out of relationships, I realized she was the main person in my life, that was there for me, that didn't change.

Years went by, I began to feel differently about her. She has meant so much to me, that whenever we got together it's as if the rest of the world didn't exist. No matter what my problems were, I became relaxed and composed around her. It was as if for these several times a month I could breathe as if I just woke up from the perfect nights rest. At this point I stopped dating and was waiting for her to feel the same, hopefully someday.

8 years had gone by in the blink of an eye and there was a moment when she became single and I was still waiting. I felt that I knew I had to say something, yet I knew I should wait. I paused, 3 months, before I talked myself into expressing my true feelings towards her. It didn't go well...

As I expected from the worst end of this, I wouldn't hear from her for some time. 6 months past and she began emailing me again and soon to follow were telephone calls. At least our friendship had resumed and I could breathe again.

About a year after "the incident" she asked if she could be on my coed quads volleyball team, containing my best friend, his wife, and my ex(from years earlier). All parties knew the situation, and friends being friends, said it was up to me. I told them, "at least we can get rid of my ex!"
Since then, we've been playing together For two years and the friendship is better than ever. After volleyball one night I spoke of going snowboarding if anybody was interested. She exuded excitement at the learning opportunity. So I told her to pick sometime when she wanted to go...

After a couple of weeks she let me know when...
She had picked Valentine's Day weekend. Which should mean nothing to me, but can mean so much more to some other people. I had never heard her speak, ill or will, of the day, as so many women do. It had not my place to be involved in her's for so many years.
The weekend went well, snowboarding/skiing, sharing a hot tub with about 25 others and a swimming pool with about 40 kids doing cannonballs, the 4-5 hours of driving each way was even a lot of fun.
That's not sarcasm, it just appears to be. After sharing a bed I did learn one thing about her,… she gives out her email address and driving directions in her sleep, kind of cute funny and also good for a laugh. On the way back we stopped for dinner at the Texas Roadhouse, I had forgot it was V-day. She got a rose from the hostess and I got uncomfortable. It was a nice dinner, no matter what day it was.

I spend so much time on that event because it is the event that confuses me most and is fairly recent. We have gone to dinners and movies many times since then. And, I know my feelings for her haven't changed, I just keep them to myself. I don't want to lose her as a friend and I would assume she would tell me if she felt differently, seeing as how I have already told her, albeit 3 years ago now.

I would appreciate anyone’s suggestions on this boisterous roller-coaster set of experiences that I find myself so amused and so disturbed by, at the same time.

It bears repeating...
I would rather be her friend than nothing to her at all. At least I will be able to breathe.
Life is what happens while you are making plans, we are a tale told by and idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing. An existential point of view.
 
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astrokat65 is offline astrokat65 Post #8  March 13,2010, 5:39pm
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Hi,

i'm involved in a somewhat similar scenario

is it possible your lady love is just a little slower and more hesitant to make the jump from friendship to lovers, for fear of it ruining your friendship?
 
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eRose is offline eRose Post #9  March 13,2010, 11:05pm
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From a woman's perspective, a rose on Valentines Day has romantic significance. If she gave it to you knowing how you feel I can only assume she's telling you that she's open to you.

Having said that, if she doesn't have any intention of developing a romantic relationship with you, then the rose was a cruel gesture.

One way or another, you'll need to find out in order to move on with your life. Have you asked her why she gave the rose to you? It's a safe question to ask without putting yourself out on a limb.

Best of Luck
 
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Yeti is offline Yeti Post #10  March 14,2010, 10:02am
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I am both surprised and not surprised that I din't think of that. Good insight and also some great advice for our Tuesday or Wednesday..
Thanks!!

Slower... Maybe, but that's really slow. I let the cat out of the bag 3 1/2 years ago. for awhile it did ruin our friendship. Now that the friendship is back I don't want to ruin it, again. That's all.

And, she got the rose, from the restaurant because it was Valentine's Day.

I'll keep you posted.
FYI... It was a king size bed.
Does that matter?
Last edited by Yeti; March 14,2010 at 10:54am.
 
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