Why do Men in Long Term Marriages Cheat?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
still_learning is offline still_learning Post #1  March 11,2010, 2:32pm
still_learnin…'s Avatar

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 1

See profile

Most of my dating life, married men have been attracted to me. I'm talking about men in long-term, seemingly okay marriages. Single men, not so much, even when I have been attracted to them and they seemed to enjoy my company.http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/im...s/confused.gif

I used to think that this happened just because I was a cute young thing, but it is still happening. I'm in my early sixties!

Do all women find a lot of married men falling for them, or do you think that there is something about me? Usually these are men who don't seem to be players, are accomplished and interesting, and I would be glad to be friends with them AND their wives.

Comments and perspectives are very welcome. I don't want to jolt marriages and I do want to find a companion/husband of my own.

Thanks!
 
  Reply With Quote
RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #2  March 11,2010, 4:43pm
RoxyRedhead's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

Northwest

Posts: 3,239

See profile

I think it's genetically hardwired into the gender. I am not saying that to be critical, but to be honest. It takes thinking about NOT cheating and making a decision to honor ones wife and relationship - something that requires a man to fight against the urge to procreate with as many women as possible,

Perhaps some men get bored with the same old same old..as a wife there were sure times when I got tired of hearing the same war stories over and over. My first husband was a Don Juan from 3 months after our marriage for the next 10 years..until I';d had enough. He was insecure and good looking so he got women interested in his sad story of the wife who had her own career (and who made more money that he did-even after she suppored the family so he could go to college).

My second husband would tell me about the women who came on to him. He know I had issues and he wanted to be honest. It was hard, but I know he never cheated..he was a good guy and I still miss him 5 years after his death.

OTOH-for every guy who cheats, there is a woman also participating in the incident...
 
  Reply With Quote
livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #3  March 11,2010, 4:47pm
livenlearn's Avatar

Yay! spring has sprung.

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

cosmos

Posts: 3,439

See profile

According to the book The mail Brain, it has to do with brain chemicals.
But the good news is not all do it.
For some reason your a magnet to them? Your giving off some kind of chemical that says your good mating material. Genetically you might be rare, cause thats what supposedly attracts them.
 
  Reply With Quote
grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #4  March 11,2010, 5:18pm
grlnxtdr's Avatar

If nice guys finish last, I'll be waiting by the finish line, Hurry up!

Pacesetter

Joined: Nov 2008

Southern California

Posts: 308

See profile

I used to have this problem. I would befriend a married guy through work or other appropriate friend zone place, and within a few months they were asking to sleep with me.

It happened several times. I never indicated that I wanted more than friendship so I was perplexed. I finally asked a guy friend what the issue was and he told me because I seem like a lot of fun. I am easy going, laugh easily, not moody, and probably even a little flirty giving genuine compliments etc. He said that this is what was atrracting these married men. I was giving them attention and listening to the stories that he has probably told the wife 100 times and laughing at them because they were knew to me. I was all the fun of a new women in thier life without any of the monotany or marriage. Basically I was an ego boost to them.

I never engaged in any affairs with the men. Once the behavior was brought to my attention I realized I acted that way with married men, because I was more comfortable expressing that side to married men. I thought it was all harmless fun and games and they knew I was off limits, because they were off limits to me . I guess you could say I was unwittingly a tease. After I realized my behavior was the cause of the inappropriate requests, I became much more serious with my male friends and co-workers. I still enjoy their company, but I don't compliment or spend too much time chatting with them in a silly flirty manner.

I have not gotten propositioned at all by married men since. I keep it much more "G" rated conversation.

Are you a ball of fun with these men? If you are then maybe that is why they want more than friendship.
 
  Reply With Quote
cleanslate is offline cleanslate Post #5  March 11,2010, 6:41pm
cleanslate's Avatar

is back in the real world of work and responsibilities

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2010

Charlotte, NC

Posts: 136

See profile

I've too have been hit on by a surprising number of married men; I'm not sure why that is. I know that not all men cheat, but there have been times when I seriously questioned if the percentage is not very, very high. My guess is that more men - AND women - cheat than many people realize (or choose to acknowledge), but that it is still not a majority of the population.

And I remain steadfast in my belief that an affair is a sympton, not a cause, of marital strife.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  March 11,2010, 7:03pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

RoxyRedhead wrote :
I think it's genetically hardwired into the gender. I am not saying that to be critical, but to be honest. It takes thinking about NOT cheating and making a decision to honor ones wife and relationship - something that requires a man to fight against the urge to procreate with as many women as possible,
+1.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  March 11,2010, 7:08pm
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,374

See profile

It doesn't really matter WHY. There are many, many reasons why. What matters is how you react to them.

I currently have 3 married men who have crushes on me. I never, ever, go anywhere alone with them (even to lunch as coworkers), I don't reciprocate any flirtatious comments or emails from them, and if there is a reason to socialize with them, I always make sure it is in a group of people. I constantly send off the "friend" vibe to them and not the "I'm interested" vibe.

There's no need to judge them, but there's also no need to join them, either.
 
  Reply With Quote
meri75 is offline meri75 Post #8  March 11,2010, 7:36pm
meri75's Avatar

really wants a double dissolution in 2011!

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2009

Australia

Posts: 5,112

See profile

Yes, it does happen. Only with me, the men are either very close to me in age or at least 25 years older. I pretty much behave in a similar fashion as to what WonderWoman described.

Though - I must say I see an awful lot of married women chasing after men too. I know of at least two married women who have 'left' work after chasing too aggressively after a man she fancied ...
 
  Reply With Quote
neardc is offline neardc Post #9  March 11,2010, 7:49pm
neardc's Avatar

Kumbaya, people!

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Near DC (duh!)

Posts: 7,738

See profile

I've found this to be somewhat true for me as well, and has been the case since I was in grad school (in fact, it would be a lot easier for me to find a married man with whom to become involved than a single one). In particular, these are men with more traditional marriages/wives who see me as different and more exciting/fascinating/worldly/cultured than their spouse (for a variety of reasons -- higher education, life experiences, etc.). I'm not flirtatious with them, so that's not the issue...

But, it does seem that married men are more likely to develop a crush on me than are single men (not that this happens at all frequently, but I have taken note of it over the years...). The most recent one was quite a few years younger, too, so I guess aging doesn't necessarily put a stop to it...lol.
 
  Reply With Quote
lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #10  March 11,2010, 8:03pm
lil_lamb's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Dec 2008

california

Posts: 1,364

See profile

men cheat. women cheat. but why folks want to cheat with you, that's a good question.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Need Advice | Ask a Dating Expert | Dealing with a Clinger »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
just got out of long term relationship and feel lost ajw204 Dating 15 May 14,2010 9:02am
long distance relationship, any success stories? treeye Dating 4 March 23,2010 3:47pm
What makes people NOT cheat? eHA_Admin_Lori Relationships 136 January 2,2010 6:42pm
Long distance communication problems; Bouffy Relationships 18 July 28,2009 11:28pm
how long before you actually met someone thedarknite Using eHarmony 11 June 6,2009 6:36pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“The tennis ball story is a good analogy, RD, and that's how I interpret "gut feeling" -- a conclusion/sense of something that's a thought, not a feeling; though it will have feelings associated with ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion

“Agree. Given where you are emotionally, I would cease all communication with Mr. Trade Show. You're vulnerable. He's up for a challenge. It's playing with fire. You'll be in a bad place in the ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Received lovely email from former poofer” discussion

“How about phone calls, then?” –  barbarella_42

Join the “Advice on Response time” discussion

“I have never spoken to a woman like he has. Yeah, I have never spoken to a woman like that either. It is a hard call to whether he is just as jerk, or whether he is a player. Both are feasible ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “So, men. Explain this to me, please!” discussion

“I have come to this same conclusion. Thank you.” –  bibittyboo

Join the “Confused about date #2” discussion

“Harmonygirl, I do not usually make up my mind on blanket situations but instead would examine each one on it's own merits, so I cannot answer your question. However, just in the going about of daily ... ” –  Ephemera

Join the “Atheism, Religion and Tolerance” discussion

“I was ok until the kiss on the cheek part....That doesn't sound like your defenses were up at all... It's one thing for a guy to walk up and start with the cheesy lines....But as soon as I say, "no ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “So this guy walks into a bar . . .” discussion

“ No. It is not wise. You have to throw all your eggs into one basket for love to work at all. Relationships are inherently riskier than careers. You can't use the same rules. You might lose ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Becoming Exclusive” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 6:24am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0